Sad country song. Please give an opinion

[matthoggard]

Some of you mey remember our song "Hey Bartender". I posted it a couple months ago.This is a rewrite. We changed the direction of the song and the story. The lyrics were re-written many times. I really feel like we have a keeper here.This song will be sent out to Demo by some real country musicians."She's been gone so long"www.taxi.com/matthoggardShe's been gone so long.© 2008 Mark S. Calhoun & Matthew E. Hoggardverse 1Hey bartender won't you pour me a drinkBy the way, make that a doubleKeep em' coming cause I don't want to thinkI just want to wash away my troubleschorus:You see,Shes been gone so long,I heard the angels sing.Shes been gone so long.she cant give back her wings.How can a broken heart carry onShes been gone so long.verse 2I was so proud the day she took my ring.I thought we'd last foreverHow was I to know she'd get angel's wings.She was gone forever after.chorus:You see,Shes been gone so long,I heard the angels sing.Shes been gone so long.she cant give back her wings.How can a broken heart carry onShes been gone so long.Verse 3Hey bartender pour me one more drinkHere's to her, I raise my glassI know ill see her again someday.When the future comes to passBridgeI feel her tears in every drop of rainBut she cant wash away my pain.chorus:You see,Shes been gone so long,I heard the angels sing.Shes been gone so long.she cant give back her wings.How can a broken heart carry onShes been gone so long.

[heinsite]

hi matt!i love the music here, well done, rough but that's what demo's are for--i think your chorus is strong. but being crushed for years from screeners on specifics in c/w lyrics, i'll just suggest that the verse lyrics are not specific enough. of course i'm usually wrong...i can hear through this tune and think it has great potential, but again, the verse lyrics need more specifics, more story, less cliche. thanks for posting this tune!!all the best,warren

[putter232000]

Matt:I hate to jump in here, because I do not know what genre you usually write, but I agree with Warren...How did she get lost forever, did she leave, die, what happened?? Angels/wings are pretty cliche, and it is important to be conversational with your lyric.."I know ill see her again someday. When the future comes to pass" is NOT conversational.While we get the drift that you are drowning your sorrows, there is no story no "furniture" for us to empathize with the singer. When writing..ESPECIALLY COUNTRY, ask yourself if this has been said before..what are you expressing differently? or How do I express this differently to be unique, yet universal in appeal?You are gaining on it, and I want to encourage you to keep on keeping on!Andy

[cameron]

Hey Matt,Well I just spent 10 minutes writing you a response to tell you that you might want to consider changing the name from "Hey Bartender" as that's already a country classic, but then I saw you've already done that. Boy do I feel stupid.Your revision is a major improvement over the earlier version. Unfortunately to get a country cut these days it has to be knocked out of the park, and I'm not sure that the song has a strong enough hook melodically or lyrically for that. Man, I hate to be negative, but that's exactly what I face with most of my own songs too. The bar is just so high, so you might want to go for film/TV listings. Damn though, I wish you would just go out and prove me wrong!!Cameron

[geo]

Umm.... guys.... she died..... that's why she been gone....I was so proud the day she took my ring.I thought we'd last foreverHow was I to know she'd get angel's wings.She was gone forever after.That's what I got from this verse..... do you have to be more explicit in country? I dunno....I like this.... good build through verse 1 and 2.... I would like the last chorus to be HUGE!!!!! Harmonies..... wailing guitars.... big black girl wailing away...."Ohh she gone she gone, she's been gone for so long".... maybe a horn section.... OK ... I'm tripping now but you get the drift...Good song!!Peace, Geo

[matthoggard]

Geo you got it!I hear the same things. Thats why we are sending it out for demo. I want to hear what COULD be cone with it. This is me and my co-writer in my little home studio.I know there are some cliche's but listen to country radio. There are tons of cliche's in the hits today. I listen to it everyday and they dont stick to formula as much as everyone thinks.I tried to build the last chorus a little more but im no expert producer.Thanks for the listen everyone. I think about tweaking this more and more, it might change some lyrically. We arent sure if we are gonna send this for a listing but we have a couple of people who are intersted in hearing a "produced" version so off to the demo people.Im no country musician. Im a rock musician with a huge country influence.Thanks again everyone. We really appreciate your time.M~

[putter232000]

Matt:DO NOT DEMO without at least a few qualified critiques! NSAI offers a free song evaluation service, and Jasonblume.com has a critique service for 35.00 and will critique the rough cut. I say this because there may be problems with the song and you do not want to waste a chunk demoing something that needs a few re-writes first.Do what you want, but the biggest mistakes we sometimes make as songwriters (before we become more seasoned) is to rush things.Andy

[jay10music]

MATT...I CAN'T SAY NOTHIN.. Cause I don't know nothin....When It comes to lyrics or the country scheme of things..I only can say what I here and feel..I can here that the production is sparce and your sending out for demo. But I see threw that and and the feeling u put into this shines threw. Vocal is superb 2 me ..except maybe the ending..It's a very soulfull country song and when the hook comes in, it just makes u feel good.. I don't know about the high bar stuff, but I feel that a great kick ass production on this song,would make it something to be proud of... JMHO.....Jay....

[billg]

Sounds like a good ol' southern rock ballad to me. If it's gonna be demoed as a country tune maybe the lyrics need work, I dunno that much about submitting for country stuff. I got right away that the girl was dead & think the lyrics are fine for southern rock. I like the song, good luck with your demo!

[ontariolightning]

Andy is right, this is way below the bar lyrically, get a few critiques, for the sake of the song, do whats best for it cause that will be the best for you