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I didn't mean to jump in the other thread and side track it. I think it will be less confusing to only be critiquing one song or artist per thread. Especially since this may go on for a few weeks Here's the original question and lyrics:Quote:Quote:Remember, this is for a staff writer deal for rock. Most rock bands write their own songs, so the only way this "mogul" is gonna get songs cut is if his writers have stuff that's clearly better than what todays hottest rock acts write.So what you need here are "event" songs. "Signature" songs. UNDENIABLE HITS.I think the main "problem" with your songs vis-a-vis a listing like this is that conceptually they are not unique enough. Lyrically, they don't have unique hook. Matt,Thanks again for the wisdom you so often share. I hardly ever post lyrics without music, but this is such a high bar listing that I think the lyrics will have to stand on their own too. I'm happy with the music and arrangement for song#1 for this listing, but nothing really to post/hear yet. Lyrically, this is concept #4 for song #1-- I'm posting it to see how strong the concept/hooks/ideas are. At this point, I haven't really "word for word" dissected this technically. It's idea and word choice for now. The phrasing may seem odd without the flow of the music, and there are some meter issues as well that need fixing. Goals- memorable, somewhat shocking first line -- repetitive but interesting chorus (simple phrase with unique meaning), overall - unique simplicity. btw-- edited this post to make clear I'm not looking for feedback JUST from Matto Save MeVs1If I were JesusIt wouldn't be enoughYou'd crucify meAgain and again for funAll I get is emptyTrying to fill you upDon't want to be SocratesYou're hemlock in my cupPrechorusYou only said that you said itTo see if I would say what you needed to feed your diseaseYou only want me to want youSo I can be a puppet on the whim of your heart string teaseChorus1Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescue2nd verseIf I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minuteHate what I've becomeprechorusI never meant not to mean itWish you never heard my trio of words too often saidYou know it hurts me to hurt youBut now I have to show my love by never ever loving you again Chorus 2Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but that's the only way I know to(bridge)Save me - from youSave me - from yousoloChorus 3Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from the rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but this time I'm not gonnaSave you There were other helpful responses as well, but this is my reply to Matto:Quote: I think you've got the makings of an excellent lyric here. I like the concept, I think it's strong, provocative, original. This forum is priceless. It's like having a room full of collaborators. Even with a co-writer, it's hard to be completely objective. I'm not going to read more into what you and others have said, but it helps confirm that at least we're on the right track to hit the target. However, I think it would be good to note that the most valuable info that I've received over the past year and a half with Taxi and this forum has been in the "this is not on target" category.A couple of years ago, I would have taken the first concept and run with it. I would have settled for the first opening line I came up with. Thanks for helping me learn not to settle...Quote:This is just after a quick read, I'll have to look at it again later, but for now the verses strike me as strongest. So much so that I was wishing the second verse could be the same length as the first.Interesting. We've gone back and forth on that. I actually cut it based on so many comments at the Rally about shorter 2nd verses getting back to the chorus faster. Musically the longer 2nd verse provides some contrast--- we'll probably track it both ways, so I'm going to work on more lyrics just in case...Quote:I'm wondering whether the chorus "save me from saving you from yourself" is a bit too "clever"...it just seems a little forced, like you're trying too hard to say something profound.I appreciate what you're trying to do but maybe this could be tweaked.Here's the top other 3 from the cutting room floor...Save me, from saving you againSave me, from saving you all the timeSave me, from being your saviorI'm still leaning... from saving you from yourself. I get what you are saying though. The others don't define the co-dependency thing as well, but maybe there's a better hook that might seem less forced.Quote:I'm not in love with the first pre, I think it could be better. Not sure why exactly it's not working for me...The second pre is better, although the "trio" line is again a bit overly clever perhaps. The last two lines rock however. Those to me strike the perfect balance, they sound fresh but yet completely natural.I like the concept of the first pre, but I think the puppet thing might be a little trite and overused --- at the least the word flow needs to be cleaned up. Musically the first line is kind of "sing song", and the longer line more intense-- almost like a question/answer.Definitely some work to do here. Thanks.Quote:Lastly I wonder if you could clarify the relationship between the two people a bit. Somehow it's still a little hazy to me. But that could just be me, hopefull others can chime in.The ambiguity was intentional on two fronts. I wanted to hint at a co-dependent love relationship coming to an end. That's the wrapper that a listener would pick up on. However, for me -- this song is about me -- (they all are in one way or another I'm my favorite subject...lol ) So imagine someone talking to them self -- and welcome to my world Also, there are several ambiguous me/you songs among the ala's -- as well as clearly defined relationships.Quote:Great start on this Aub, I think this can be a winner...excited to hear the music for this.Thanks man. I believe we are up to this challenge and everyone's insight will be very helpful. This target is definitely the bar beyond the forward.

Aub,Something to consider.Evanescence was "a la'd" in this listing and they do have a song with a similar(ish) hook with a call and response chorus, titled "Bring Me to Life." This could be a potential problem considering how they've already heard "Save me" done so well....different pov but close enough to raise an orginal lyric flag, in my opinion.

Quote:Aub,Something to consider.Evanescence was "a la'd" in this listing and they do have a song with a similar(ish) hook with a call and response chorus, titled "Bring Me to Life." This could be a potential problem considering how they've already heard "Save me" done so well....different pov but close enough to raise an orginal lyric flag, in my opinion.Thanks for the flag Randy... I think we my be different enough musically to be ok... but very worth consideration.Aub

Okay... the lyric changes may seem minor... but a LOT of time is going into this tune. I have a very sucky scratch vocal that is toooo late night, one take quick punch bad throat nastiness to post publicly yet, but if you're a masochist and would like to be punished -- pm me and I'll link u up.Vs1If I were JesusIt wouldn't be enoughYou'd crucify meAgain for funI get so emptyTrying to fill you upI am no SocratesBut there's hemlock in your cupPrechorusYou only say what your saying to hearIf I will say it again and heal your diseaseYou only want me to want you to playMe like a puppet being pulled by your heart string needsChorus1Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from your rescue2nd verseIf I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minute but IHate what I've becomeFate has twistedWho I used to beI'm running stop signsFor the red light of your deceitprechorusI never meant not to mean what I sayYou heard three little words wish I never had saidYou know it hurts me to hurt you but nowI have to show my love by never loving you again Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from your rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but that's the only way I know to(bridge)Save me - from youSave me - from yousoloChorus 3Save meFrom saving you from yourselfSave meThis time I'm running from your rescueSave meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but this time I'm not gonna bleed toSave you

Quote:2nd verseIf I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minute but IHate what I've becomeAub, This is a great line. Stopped me dead in my tracks. It also seems (to me at least) to sum up the entirety of the lyric.As always, just my opinion, take it or leave it but....[overanalyzing]Should this be your chorus?I ask that because my other observation is; the current chorus seems too clever for its own good. Maybe I'm just confused though. You're asking this person to Save you in the chorus. But its the same person you've just described in the verse that screws you up. So why would this person save you, or even be a good person to ASK to save you? Especially, If you've declared you're "running from the rescue" anyway. [/over-analyzing]

Quote:Quote:2nd verseIf I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minute but IHate what I've becomeAub, This is a great line. Stopped me dead in my tracks. It also seems (to me at least) to sum up the entirety of the lyric.As always, just my opinion, take it or leave it but....[overanalyzing]Should this be your chorus?I ask that because my other observation is; the current chorus seems too clever for its own good. Maybe I'm just confused though. You're asking this person to Save you in the chorus. But its the same person you've just described in the verse that screws you up. So why would this person save you, or even be a good person to ASK to save you? Especially, If you've declared you're "running from the rescue" anyway. [/over-analyzing]Thanks TwilsbachOver analyzing is what I do best The only reason I'm posting this is to get this kind of feedback, and it is greatly appreciated!The "Save Me" was intended to be a more generic cry than a specific request, and the hope was to more clearly define what it means in the end of the second chorus:Blame mefor letting you go but that's the only way I know toSave meSo it's save me from saving you (from yourself). To me, the chorus lyric does flow better with the music, but better may not be good enough. So far I've not come up with a better chorus that says what I want to say, and lends itself to the messiah complex imagery and twist that to save me means to NOT save you.May not be the clearest thing in the world, but one thing I've noticed is that the input from the forum and other writers is much tougher than the actual screeners themselves - even in the high bar listings. I'm not settling, just musing -- can't say that I'm sold yet on the "save me from saving you from yourself", but it's going to have to be a GREAT line to replace it. Interesting idea about the chorus based around, if I could hate you -- Worth bouncing around, just will have to be careful and not go all Blue October Thanks again,Aub

So maybe you are sick of seeing this rewrite in cyberspace, but here's the latest idea -- A title and chorus revision, cut the prechorus in half (we weren't getting to the chorus fast enough, and cut the 2nd verse back again - to get back to the chorus faster). I'm still not going to post music yet, as the goal is to have the lyrics as strong as possible on their own AND with melody.Hate Me Save MeVs1AIf I were JesusIt wouldn't be enoughYou'd crucify meAgain and again for funVs1BAll I get is emptyTrying to fill you upI'm no SocratesBut there's hemlock in your cupPrechorus1You only say what you sayJust to see if I will say it back to youBut all I want you to do isChorus1Hate meSo I can stop loving youSave meFrom always running to the rescueVs2If I could hate youThis would all be doneLoved every minute but IHate what I've becomePrechorus2You know it hurts me to hurt youBut I have to show you my love by never loving you againChorus2Hate meSo I can stop loving youSave meFrom always running to the rescueHate meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but that's the only way I know to(bridge)Save me - from youSave me - from yousoloChorus3Hate meSo I can stop loving youSave meFrom always running to the rescueHate meFind your messiah somewhere elseBlame mefor letting you go but this time I'm not gonna bleed toSave you

Great tweak on the Chorus. I think that makes a huge difference.

Cool! I think the choice to get to the chorus' quicker was definitely a good one. Everything has to be strong, but in the end, it's all about that hook!

WAY BETTER chorus lyric/idea.nice work Tex.