the Outsider

[sgs4u]

Can y'all have a listen, and throw me some darts. My objectivity is now moot. I need some feedback. Mix, lyrics, instruments, anything. I'll fix the stringy thingy that somehow made it's way into the opening bar, soon I promise. 1st song on my broadjam page. lyrics by CouchGrouch!http://www.broadjam.com/steveagilbertThe OutsiderI saw her in ragged yard sale clothesGlasses resting on a freckled noseBrown hair pulled back with bent up bobbie pinsSittin’ ‘neath a tree before my classWith her best friends by her on the grassRobinson Crusoe and Huckleberry FinnShe was writing in a tattered binderWhile the other kids played tag behind herShe sits alone on the short school busReads alot but barely gets a C-PlusShe’s got no one to help or guide herEats lunch with her old headphones onLost in a fog of dreams and songOut of sight, out of mind, the outsiderNo one said “hi” to her in the hallShe sat in the back against the wallglad to hide her old shoes beneath her deskShe looked out the window once or twiceInto pictures of another lifePainted by a heart full of lonelinessOne by one my class read their assignmentsWhile she bit her nails in nervous silenceShe sits alone on the short school busSometimes the driver forgets to pick her upShe’s got no one to help or guide herEats lunch with her old headphones onLost in a fog of dreams and songOut of sight, out of mind, the outsiderShe walked up slowly to the head of the classDropped her binder and everybody laughedThe paper shook as she read her scribbled poemAbout an orphan child, in a foster homeHer pen spilled her pain out into the lightMy tears were the first to see the soul inside She sits alone on the short school busReads alot but barely gets a C-PlusShe’s got no one to help or guide herEats lunch with her old headphones onLost in a fog of dreams and songOut of sight, out of mind, the outsider©2007 Robert George & Steve Soucy

[billg]

Great F*&%$#! song Steve! Good production too. Who's singing? -billg-

[jchitty]

Steve, man, I LOVE this song. Remember Janis Ian's old song, "At Seventeen?" This song packs an emotional punch like that one did. Good job.

[dgolding]

Very good indeed. I love the story in the lyric. Very well sung and produced, as usual.If you put a gun to my head and made me nitpick, I'd like to hear a little more 'grunt' in the chorus. As it approaches, I keep feeling that it's going to get a bit grittier, and it doesn't. If it was me, I'd try a slightly overdriven geetar. The only other thing is that one or two of the lyrics seem a bit difficult to squeeze in to the lines, and that slightly hampers the flow.Overall though, top notch stuff.

[horacejesse]

Steve, some of the lines do not feel comfortably metered yet.It may be too chordy for country, but not for sure, and I see you have it undefined for genre. The sentiment here is strongly country, the music pulls in another direction. Only country writers and fans are into maudlin sentiment on a consistent basis. Only country writers dwell on family, lonely little orphans, etc., except for the occasional song.A lot of key changing here. I like that. The G major to E major change feels pretty good.The melody of the first two lines is suspect. I know I have heard it more than once in other country songs. I could dig them up if push came to shove, but I am not sure how important that is, since I hear it in commercially successful country songs quite often. It bothers me personally, and I try to never allow that in my songs, but that may just be an idiosyncracy of mine. Even though I try to never let it happen, sometimes melodoc fragments do creep in that I suspect came from somewhere other than my imagination. The storyline is strong. Did you have a lot of work to do to get the lines to meter? Couch often writes in very long lines.I think it is a fine effort with potential, but no Me And My Baby yet.

[clonsberry]

I don't think I'd make a good screener at all. I'd love to help you tighten it up but I couldn't pick out anything wrong with it. That's amazing! I'd buy it. I'd buy it in a second. You'll have to finder tougher ears than mine to pick that apart. I like the lyrics. Love the dynamics of the song. Mix sounded great. (I think I'd like to hear a little more background, drums, etc. But what do I know? I can't even get a forward so don't listen to me.)Loved it.

[johnhampt]

I think this song is ideal for a TV show or movie. Very clever and whimsical. Singer has an honest and sincere quality about the way he sings this. Yes, I liked it....

[sgs4u]

Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy lives. thx Bill, yeah it's my nice guy voice. The one I use when I like what my kids have done today. Chits - 17, was my inspiration (besides Robert's obvious talent) for the song. You can hear it in the 2nd chord of the song. I got to see Janis sing the tune once at the Bluebird. It had me in tears the same way it did when I was 17.dgolding - yeah, it needs some guitar crunch. Can you let me know which vocal lines seems clunky?Horace - I am one of the people who thinks every line, every chord, every note has ALREADY been done. So I don't worry about anything except the legal definitions of plagiarism. It's supposed to sound familiar, but distant enough to be tough to pin down.I'm from Canada, and it's very tough to remove THAT sound from my palette. I'd much rather sound like I was from Nashville singing cowboy tunes, but this is who I am. Getting another singer could certainly help with that. You think it's chordy, yes I agree. I'm a little worried about it being too much so. OTOH, glad you like the chorus key change. And I recorded 5 different days trying to get the lyrics to sound smooth, so I guess I'm not done yet. Let me know which lines you think aren't there yet, if you have time. I agree, it's no - Me and My Baby, not with ME singing. If there was a cowboy voice as good as that other girl is at R&B, this song might be great. What do I know? I just hope it gets thru the screeners.clonsberry - wanna buy it, cheap hehe, $10,000. 1/2 goes to CouchGrouch. It is noble to make no suggestions. Sometimes we songwriters automatically suggest changes, when they aren't needed. I do think this song still could use a few screws tightened tho. Drums and BG's do actually need to be louder. I'm gathering suggestions, and your's matter too. Thanksjohnhampt - the tune is really just a song demo. I don't think the production with just me doing everything, is ever going to score high enough for that high profile a placement. But if a great singer were to cover it with a great band... who knows?

[johnhampt]

I was saying the song would be ideal for TV or film. Not necessarily this recording. And I think your voice is ideal for the song. Really. It's not a pretty voice or sang perfectly but it was honst and was appropriate for the song. It added character. If you put a singer that sang it perfectly then I think it would take away from it. Are you shooting for a modern country sound? I don't think it has that. At least not the way you produced it. The chord changes are very nice but they don't sound "nashville". You have to dumb it down to achieve that sound. It's a bit progressive which is why I like it. I would never think of chord changes like that. Again, good job!!

[horacejesse]

Steve, you will have to clue me in as to why anyone would purposely write a song to "sound familiar" unless it is for a listing asking for something that sounds like something else. Our philosophies and beliefs are apparently quite different on this matter. I agree that all twelve notes have already been played, I disagree this means I can write anything as long as it passes the legal test. My personal test is a lot tougher than the legal one. You said every chord has already been played. True enough, but every melody hasn't, and I was referring to your melody. Like I said, it happens to me also, and sometimes there just does not seem any place else to go.I will point out specific metering problems with the lyric when I get back in this evening.Hope you did not find the rest of my criticism too harsh or irrelevant. It means nothing if it is not honest. That does not mean you run up to a woman and shout, "Your baby sure is ugly." Honesty only counts if something useful is actually said.