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Hello all,I've been working up a song based around a backing track I posted a while back. I've now recorded the main vocal parts, but have another session booked with the vocalist for Friday, and would really appreciate some feedback on the song if anyone gets the chance before then. The song is 'Widow (song sketch)' and it's on my Taxi hosting site.I'm planning to add in ad libs on the Friday session, but I'm also considering some extra vocal parts through the middle section into the final prechorus and chorus, but I'm not sure whether that would be over-egging the pudding. I'm also open to any other suggestions for other vocal parts or lyric changes as well, of course. This is still a pretty rough mix, but hopefully it gives a pretty good idea of the general vibe.The lyrics are:VERSE 1:You out on the street again tonight?Tell me the truth.You bringing the heat again tonight?I’m begging you…PRECHORUS 1:(Stay, stay)You know there’s gotta be a better life we can lead(Stay, stay, stay with me)I can give you the reason you need.CHORUS 1:Cos I can be your queen,And I can be your slave,I’ll give you whatever you ask for babyI just don't wanna be your widow.VERSE 2:I know a player needs respect,But you’re playing with death.I don’t want the street to claim your last sweet breath.PRECHORUS 2:(Stay, stay)Babe I know that it's a rush to do what you do.(Stay, stay, stay with me)But I can make it up to you.CHORUS 2:Cos I can be your queen,And I can be your slave,I’ll give you whatever you ask for babyI just don't wanna be your widow.MIDDLE SECTION:[nothing yet]PRECHORUS 3:(Stay, stay)Your eyes are telling me there's nothing more I can say.(Stay, stay, play with me)So let me show you a better way.DOUBLE CHORUS 3:Cos I can be your queen,And I can be your slave,I’ll give you whatever you ask for babyI just don't wanna be your widow.

Hi. I´m looking into the genre myself these days; as it´s a very current thing to pitch.I like the lyrics alot, allthough they are dark.I think the arrangement needs to be more hmm .... current.Tricks is great to use in the genre, but here I feel they aren´t great enough to be so different. I would use some more of the tricks that is common to the genre and less of the soverydifferent elements. A list of those surprisetricks includes (but not limited to).. 1-2 places allmost offpitch (or totally surprising) vocals and instruments. close to offpitch/offchord instruments (obviously used with intention).Allthough the lyrics is great I miss more syllables - words to tempo it up.I would also experiment hard with different basic rythm samples/grooves as I feel there are grooves that will make this more current and also better.Good vocalist imo.Listen to some genrespecific hits and copy some sounds/moves.Keep it up.

I actually liked the fact that "Widow" sounded like "Weirdo".It reminds me of the song "Creep" by Radiohead, where the comparison was the other way around.From a British point of view, I think that Triv's got some edgy ideas, which tends to work well in the UK.The boundaries of music are pushed a lot harder here, which is why you might hear some odd stuff coming out.My only suggestion is that it's a bit too much outside the current trends. So perhaps commercialising it a bit more might make it stand out more.Apple pie tastes great if you just sprinke a little cinnamon on it

Quote:I actually liked the fact that "Widow" sounded like "Weirdo".It reminds me of the song "Creep" by Radiohead, where the comparison was the other way around.From a British point of view, I think that Triv's got some edgy ideas, which tends to work well in the UK.The boundaries of music are pushed a lot harder here, which is why you might hear some odd stuff coming out.My only suggestion is that it's a bit too much outside the current trends. So perhaps commercialising it a bit more might make it stand out more.Apple pie tastes great if you just sprinke a little cinnamon on it Absolutly agree jeffe.We are a bit more quirky this side of the pond!Pass me my banjo and squeal like a pig boy.

Quote:I like the lyrics alot, allthough they are dark.That's generally my bag -- I think I'd have to get into co-writing to get anything more upbeat. Bitter and twisted, me!Quote:Tricks is great to use in the genre, but here I feel they aren´t great enough to be so different. I would use some more of the tricks that is common to the genre and less of the soverydifferent elements. A list of those surprisetricks includes (but not limited to).. 1-2 places allmost offpitch (or totally surprising) vocals and instruments. close to offpitch/offchord instruments (obviously used with intention).I'll give this a bit of thought -- I'm going to have to revisit the backing track to do a proper mix anyway.Quote:Allthough the lyrics is great I miss more syllables - words to tempo it up.Interesting -- I was actually worried I was using too many already, and going all Alanis. Shows how much I can judge at this point!Quote:I would also experiment hard with different basic rythm samples/grooves as I feel there are grooves that will make this more current and also better.I really liked the loop (it's what inspired me to write the track), so I'd be reluctant to can it, although I had thought of adding a percussion layer or two to give a bit more light and shade.Quote:First, the Oriental vocal parts sound fine in the intro but they're nothing more than distracting artifacts in the verse (they pop out of nowhere, really.). Then I kinda like them again in the chorus, though only as a necessary spark of interest. But to be completely honest I really think this use of an Oriental / Eastern pop hook has been played out (for now) and might be a little cliche in this song.I was beginning to think of chopping out the verse vocal samples myself too. I think the backing track will have to do some changing in the light of the vocals -- it's pretty obvious that it should, really.Quote:So unless your singer/main character is of Eastern descent, following the Kabbalah or at the very least... living above a Curry House. The motivation is both tired and out of context. IMO I can see where you're coming from with this, although it was the trace of despair in that sample which inspired the lyric, and I think the chorus wouldn't work half as well without it. With highsight I think a more characteristic/hooky sample would have been a better choice.Quote:Now about the vocals, I LOVE HER. She is almost the female version of yourself - without the unique stylings, but a great singer just the same.She's a bit of a phenomenon, to be honest -- a student of mine, and only 16 years old.Quote:The word "for", as sung, in the following line sounds too jazzy for this production.I’ll give you whatever you ask for baby At the end of the day, she is more of a jazz singer, but I can only really work with what I have access to!Quote:Here the word "widow", as sung, in the following line sounds very close to the word "weirdo".I just don't wanna be your widow. Surely that would have an obviously annunciated 'r'? I don't really hear it at all. Anyone else have a view on this? I'm happy to be out-voted!Quote:But the phrase "I just don't wanna be your widow" sounds kinda boring and could be written in a more compelling way. Something to reflect the anger and frustration or her situation. Since I don't see this guy changing for anyone... the entire weight of the story lies heavy on the singer who has few choices, she can leave, she can beg on deaf ears as we listen in or she can crack a whip and build a cage!!! . [/color] ... however you write it I want to understand the decision and I want to sympathise. And I want it available in 4 languages - is that too much to ask ? How about this?"I'll give you whatever you ask me for, but I ain't stickin round to be your widow."Quote:I'm not sure why I blew you a kiss here...? But it's the kind of thing you can't take back. So enjoy.Careful. I might turn into Prince. Or more likely just a funky purple frog.

Hello all,In case anyone who kindly gave me feedback is interested, I've now completed a proper mix of this song. It's on my Taxi hosting page (still called 'Widow'). Next stop is to pitch at various listings and see if it gets me anywhere. Thanks again everyone!