"RAIN" - critique please !

[serge]

Dear friends !Can I ask you for a strong critique of the song "RAIN".Here is the link, please http://www.mixposure.com/song.php?songid=27883I really need an opinions of recording musicians and songwriters.I doubt that any TAXI screener will ever give it a "forward" status. It's not the kind of music that majors need today, sorry ANY critique will be highly appreciated. And if you'll need my feedback on your songs - just call on me Serge / Private Beat

[nutunes]

HiThe link does not auto start on my pc - try a soundlink pageRegardsPhil

[jmshamblin]

Style:__ On target for today's market in ________ genre_x_ Not current sounding__ Hard to classifyStyle Comments:Melody:__ Good music in verses_x_ Verses could be stronger_x_ Good music in chorus__ Verses/Chorus sound too similar__ Memorable Hook__ Hook not obvious enoughMelody Comments:You have a pretty decent chorus melody. i howeverwould concentrate on making your verse melody's stronger.Structure:__ Intro too long__ Well-written structure_x_ Good sectional contrast__ Not enough sectional contrast__ Could use a bridgeStructure Comments:I would most definitely shorten your bridge some.i would also consider adding a vocal.Lyric:__ First line makes me want to hear more__ Engaging__ Cohesive__ Good use of imagery__ Rhymes well__ Communicates emotion to listener_x_ Lacks focus__ Unique_x_ Too abstract__ I don't understand it_x_ Too predictable__ Too many cliches__ Awkward phrasing_x_ Vocal does not help to sell song__ Vocal does help to sell songLyrical Comments:The lyrics need to be more focused. Why can't you sleep? Why does Rain make you cry? I would focus on telling moreof the story.Title:__ Good title_x_ So-So title__ Can't determine title by listening_x_ Could appear in a more strategic place__ Doesn't repeat enough__ Repeats too oftenTitle Comments:I am a strong believer that more often than not thetitle of a song should come from the chorus. Why? Becausethat is where your hook comes from and you want that titleto stick in the minds of your audience. If you keep thelyrics basically the same for the chorus I would go with "No Return" and drill that bastardinto the ground. O.k. maybe not drill it but you get what i mean.OVERALL COMMENTS:overall i believe there is potential in this song. In myopinion it is just a matter of focusing it and bringing all thepieces more together.Now give a rating 1 to 10, 1 being the worst, 10 being the best:_5_ Music_4_ Lyrics_2_ Marketability_3_ Arrangement_3_ Production_7_ EngineeringNOW. Would you walk this into a label credibility on this music?__ YES_x_ NONOW. Give a reason why did or didn't forward this:the song needs more work. it could be much better if focused more.Serge,i hope that I've helped you in some fashion. just keep working. You might also consider taking some on-line courses from Berklee College of Music. They have several courses that have proved beneficial to me. Check out www.berkleemusic.com Best WishesMattP.S. Remember it's o.k. to get discouraged, but IT'S NOT O.K. TO GIVE UP!!!!

[serge]

Hi Matt !Nice to meet you man !Thank you very much for your excellent review !I asked for an objective opinion and I get one ! So don't worry that I'm discouraged with it Thank you again Matt !Serge