TAXI.com

Hi all... I'm really grateful to be here. I have lurked for a while and look forward to my stay here

A little intimidated to be around such wonderful artists as yourselves, but I guess I have to put my ego on the line and ask for a no holds barred opinion of this track.

I don't know how to link directly to "Handguns At The Fair" but you'll find it at http://www.taxi.com/miguelcapelo

OR

http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/song_3123969.

Please unblock popups for http://www.reverbnation.com if you use this link....



Handguns At The Fair

Little Trinkets shining bright
Amongst dingy stalls I walk
Would you show me your desire
And may I pretend that I care

There's useful life inside an old shell
You seem to think you know me well
An evil grin so out of place
On a roller coaster of delights and frights
For us all

How pathetic is your love for life
It's like a dying man's last request
How pathetic are your toys and guns

Handguns at the fair
Handguns at the fair

Lifeless dolls in their dozens
Sitting restless in a child's nightmare
With words and captions they may be assured
Of an audience at the Hobby Fair, but for now...

They sit lifeless in your wake and smile
The idiots at the fair cannot comprehend
How your passions and your plays
Are for fun

Handguns at the Fair
Handguns at the Fair

What big ambitions I may have had
I now leave them at the Hobby Fair
In lifeless stations you conduct
Your sweet symphony of timeless, endless
Despair

Miguel,

This sounded...on my computer speakers at least, to be well recorded. As I listened, I was trying to figure out 2 things....

1. what artist today would sing this?
2. What was it about?

It sounded to me to be kind of like the protest songs in the 60's but I was confused as to what the message was supposed to be. In the beginning, the voice over was clashing with the lyrics..... my feeble brain can only focus on one thing at a time, and trying to understand either was near impossible.

Once the VO stopped.... the music sounded like it was well recorded. I could hear everything in the tune..... still had a hard time understanding the point of view due to the cryptic lyrics. Maybe I just didn't get the symbolism....

When listening to the song "where have all the flowers gone" and the lyrics in the subsequent verses......one immediately gets the symbolism in the words, of the desolation that comes from war..... I think it would help for you to clarify your words, and boil the message down to it's most essential essence.

Remember, most listeners will give it less that one time through to decide if they like & understand it. Very few will sit and ponder the deeper meaning behind the symbolism. Is it about someone at a fair? A gang shooting at a fair? Or symbolic of something else all together....

I'm sorry, but I sat and read verse 2 several times.....and still do not know what it's wanting to say.... and the voice over was talking about global warming, tax and cap......and I can not make the connection to the lyrics with the VO..... what is it's (the vo) purpose? If I'm asking these questions, you can be sure other listeners are too.

Just my POV....maybe I'm just dense......

Thanks for taking the time to review my music...

I know it's a bit retro, but 60's... damn....

I've always been a music video fanatic (even music I dislike I sometimes catch myself watching...)

The song is about how I went for a walk to the Hobby Fair here in my hometown and was taken aback by how some very old looking people were still savoring their toy and doll collections...and actively selling and trading them. Nothing wrong with that, but it had a kind of desperate feel about it. It was almost like the stallholders were trying to sell me on their collections and acting like I was their friend, even though I had no interest whatsoever....I took the theme and exaggerated it. Crime is insane in South Africa and I glimpsed a stall holder's handgun protruding from under his shirt...

The whole thing was very surreal and weird and so I wrote a song about it... I always write stuff with the music video in my mind and maybe the lyrics are not keeping up ?

I like being vague intentionally, so as to accommodate as many meanings as possible... For all I know, someone might think this is chucky at the fair


I don't understand what you mean by "once the vo stopped" and your constructive criticism of "I'm sorry, but I sat and read verse 2 several times.....and still do not know what it's wanting to say.... and the voice over was talking about global warming, tax and cap......and I can not make the connection to the lyrics with the VO..... what is it's (the vo) purpose? If I'm asking these questions, you can be sure other listeners are too. HELP <--- I don't understand the preceding about VO, global warming, tax and cap.... What does this mean ?

I definitely do not think you are dense, especially for giving me an opinion I sought. I'm really hoping some of the veterans here will step up and tell me what they think as well... I can handle criticism so go for it...

Thanks again and if I have any success with forwards etc then I will do the same for others on this forum... but not until then !

M

Hi M,

Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to review songs, you don't have to wait until you get a forward. Just tell us what you think.

I can't listen now, but I did read through your lyric several times. I have the same basic opinion as guitarhacker. I could not understand what it was about either.

After reading your explanation of what it was about, I think that the subject matter may not be of interest to very many people. And I'm not sure how handguns and crime in South Africa is reflected by doll selling at a Fair.

It seems like a very artistic/vague lyric that may not have very much commercial potential, either for artist pitches or film-tv pitches.

Just my opinion, of course.

Dean

Hi Miguel
What matters here is what your goal is for the song. I hear some really good elements. As others noted, if you are looking to pitch the song for purposes other than your own pleasure or CD, it needs some work. If you are an independent singer-songwriter, marketing your own work, that's different than pitching your song elsewhere. The lyrics are just too cryptic- you said that was intentional, but that is very limiting commercially. One exception to that could be a 60's style film/TV replacement track if you take it that way. The musical hook could be stonger too. You might want to vary the rhythm, note phrasing, etc on the hook line so it differentiates better from verse lines (e.g. longer notes in one section, shorter in the other, etc)

Your voice, guitar playing, and recording sound good. You have definitely have a cool singer-songwriter thing going on! This is very pleasant to listen to!

Good luck! Let us know what your goal is.

Casey

Thanks for taking the time to review, Dean. I am listening carefully to what you say. I doubt this artistically vague piece would sell to another artist. I do think it might be a film/tv piece though... Do not hesitate to disagree if you find the time to listen to it...

Miguel

Hi Casey

I love your work and I definitely see you as one of the yardsticks insofar as forwards and deals go on this forum. Thanks for your review of the song. Can you explain :"One exception to that could be a 60's style film/TV replacement track if you take it that way" ... this 60's thing sounds terrible :-/

Thanks for your comments on the singer/songwriter thing...it means a lot to me.

You've nailed it about goals... I have too many now that I've got time on my hands... Do I:
1) Do the singer / songwriter thing... satisfy my musical self and hopefully get a film / tv forward
2) Write for others....
3) Compose for film / tv

These are rhetorical questions of course but I'm sure a lot of people have tread this path before...

Very interesting song! In the mix, I think the drums could be more prominent. There are a few phrases that I think are missing rhymes. More than once, I was expecting a rhyme, and instead something else popped up.

The main chorus melody is pretty good at the "pathetic" line that has that upward melody. It's very memorable, clearly the best element of this song.

Overall, the vocals definitely need to be better. They need more strength, emotion, purpose. And the lyrics and rhythms need to support that as well.

Hope this helps! -Jeff

MiGuElCaPeLo wrote:Thanks for taking the time to review, Dean. I am listening carefully to what you say. I doubt this artistically vague piece would sell to another artist. I do think it might be a film/tv piece though... Do not hesitate to disagree if you find the time to listen to it...

Miguel

Hey Miguel,

I came back to listen. I think it sounds pretty good. Pleasing to listen to. I liked the backing music. Your voice sounds pretty good. I'll leave comments on the production and mixing to others.

Lyrics that are very general and will 'fit' many film-tv scenes 'sell' the best. If the lyric has specifics in it, that limits it's use in film-tv. When I analyze my lyrics for film-tv, I think .. what kind of scenes do these words fit ... what scenes will the words 'Handguns at the Fair' fit .. not too many scenes, imo.

I see you have another song titled TEMPTED. Now that is a theme that is very general and if the rest of your lyric is very general, that could be a great film-tv song lyric, because in almost every film or tv show some character is tempted by something. Tempted to steal, to cheat on his wife, to do drugs, etc.

Of course, I have many songs that have specifics in them too. Not all songs can have perfect film-tv songs lyrics. Some songs I just do because I love them, and I still try to pitch them, but I know they have limitations.

Dea

Thanks Jeff and Dean... I am very, very interested and listening intently to what you guys have to say.

Migz