New here, confused by recent review by #377

[Rhoddurre]

I'm new to TAXI and have received a couple of returns on a song submission. I'm trying to figure out how I can improve the chances of a forward in the future. While the first return I received makes some sense, I don't understand the comments by listener 377. The song is on my TAXI page http://www.taximusic.com/hosting/home.p ... =rhoddurre "Too Tired for Talking"

Here is the listener's comment:

"When it comes to labels and radio stations they really enjoy songs that lock in on the female demographic from teens to early thirties. They are the ones advertisers are seeking since they are a key buyer of merchandise and the labels make the bulk of their money of this demographic. This age group loves the idea of their man taking them to someplace nice or making their day better. In your song you wrote:

We could dance in our room,
When the kids have gone to bed.
We could laugh, and make love,
And just hold you in my arms instead.
Yeah, we could hold hands
Gazing up,
At the stars when we're out walkin'. . .
Yeah, we could do that,
But I'm just Too Tired for Talkin'. . .

The last two lines lose the female listener since the first person elected to pass on the items he mentioned to her. If you can change the last two items to be more proactive with his girl it will enhance the appeal of the message."

I don't understand this, unless the listener thought that the protagonist was refusing to do the first two activities. I thought the lyrics were pretty obvious that the song was written from the perspective of a man who was suggesting these romantic activities instead of talking. There, he is clearly not rejecting these activities. Does the listener mean that I've lost the female demographic merely by the singer saying he doesn't want to talk, therefore she is not interested in these more romantic activities? I really don't know what the listener meant. Can anyone help? I'm trying to figure out what's 'wrong' with this song in this reviewers mind so that I can possibly make it better, but I'm at a total loss.

Thanks for any opinions on what the reviewer might have meant and also on anyone else's opinions on making the song better.

[richmstudios]

Actually, it took me a while to get what you were trying to say even after you explained it. I think what throws the listener off is the "We could do that, but I'm just too tired..."; the "could" and "but" immediately indicates that none of the above-mentioned things are going to happen. Maybe (and I'm NOT a lyricist so bear w/me here) something like "Yeah, we should do that, 'cause I'm too tired of just talkin'".

[Rhoddurre]

Thanks for your response. Yeah, I 'm going to see if I can't tighten up that lyric a bit- I think I see the problem.

Thanks again.