TAXI.com

Hey Lyric Lovers....

First off I wanted to say how much this board means to me. I appreciate comments so much. Recently I had a forward on song demo i made - which I only decided to make because of some positive comments here which re-inforced my beliefs in the song. Thank you!

That said, I am not on the lookout for positive comments - just the truth! Here is a new song lyric - any comments at all are appreciated.
I tried writing this one very loosely based on a book i read intertwined with my own life experiences... Thanks in advance, Andy. I call it:

Touched (by Your Sunshine)
Music and Lyric ©2013 Andy Mackay

Tears from my heart
Fall like blood on the snow
I want to hold on
But I know I’ve got to let you go
We walk these winter woods
Our secret time a way
you risk it all
But you come anyway

And you help me to believe in me
With whispers from your lips
You hold me like you need me
And you leave me with a kiss

And I’m touched
Touched by your sunshine
And the good
The good in your heart
And I know you will never be all mine
so I’ll go, and I will go on, I’ll go on

In the background of life
Where I hid so well
You reached out
You knew the pain I felt
Like a burst of light
Out of the darkest night
I saw your face
A beautiful sight

And you may not know the consequence
Of what you mean to me
But if we ever meet again
I know that you will see

I am touched
Touched by your sunshine
And the good
The good in your heart
And I know you will never be all mine
so I’ll go, and I will go on, I’ll go on

BRIDGE

If only I could see what I mean to you
Even in the smallest way
Well, maybe someday

I am touched
Touched by your sunshine
And the good
The good in your heart
And I know you will never be all mine
so I’ll go, and I will go on, I’ll go on

I really like how your straight forward lyrics evoke such strong imagery in the first verse and the start of the second - I think 'light, night sight' are the weakest lines - I 'd brainstorm around these words try this web-site I find it handy http://www.visuwords.com/ - put in the word 'night, light' and see what it throws back; if you don't like what you get put a suggested association back in to generate another set?

I am uncertain about the 'whole risking it all' & 'now having to go' - get a hint of an affair of the heart with a married woman/man. So if your listener gets that too and my husband/wife has just left me I won't care how much you say this person is 'The sunshine' I wont believe you? And if I am an artist looking for a song to sing I won't want to take the risk of singing about having an affair, even if the are the sunshine!

It is such a vivid beginning and very filmic, with the winter/summer metaphor - that I think the underlying reference could limit its appeal?

You don't have to wait till someone leaves before you tell them they are 'sunshine' - Stevie Wonder did it? I know people are complicated and good hearts can do wrong things in the name of love, but that is the stuff of novels & film - I'm not sure a song is the right platform for ambiguous characters - unless the song is just about the ambiguity of the character.

I think the material has lots of potential and you have a lovely direct, yet image evoking style of writing. If I have missed the point/meaning here then pls delete as necessary.

HTH
Burt

Burt:

Thank you for this FANTASTIC insightful critique. You really gave me a listeners take. Just what i needed. I will work on it.

Andy