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I Visit Me
Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:30 am
by LooknGlass
I have been busy and going through some heavy stuff lately and I have had writers block. I have a tune in mind for this but it is a very rough 1st draft. Any comments would be welcome.
Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go;
I visit me,
the me that's real.
Somewhere in my heart
in a part not torn apart
I visit me,
where I still feel.
I visit me,
the me you don't see.
Buried deep within my mind,
in a place hard to find,
I visit me,
where hope still lives.
At the core of my being,
where I bottle everything,
I visit me,
the me that still forgives.
I visit me,
the me you don't see.
Someday I may show myself,
but first I must be healed.
What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go,
I visit me;
the me that's real.
I visit me
I visit me
© L. James Tanner
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:10 pm
by inga
Applause.
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 6:12 pm
by mobster85
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 8:34 pm
by nylyrics
well, i think the response previous by inga "applause" is quite appropriate and poetic in itself. This is masterpiece in progress. Can't wait to hear the tune. Please do share.
Andy
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:30 pm
by simonsays
I like this a lot too LooknGlass.
I have only a couple small nits with it. (See below in green)
Steve
LooknGlass wrote:I have been busy and going through some heavy stuff lately and I have had writers block. I have a tune in mind for this but it is a very rough 1st draft. Any comments would be welcome.
Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go;
I visit me,
the me that's real.
Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart
I visit me,
where I still feel.
I visit me,
the me you don't see.
Buried deep within my mind,
in a place hard to find,
I visit me,
where hope still lives.
At the core of my being,
where I bottle everything,
I visit me,
the me that still forgives.
I visit me,
the me you don't see.
Someday I may show myself,
but first I must be healed.
What scares me
Is (what) me [The redundant (what) here seems unnecessary to me. Unlike the (still) you use to great effect. Something more descriptive like (how much) or (how little) might work better IMO. Bonuses -- (Much-me) adds alliteration, and (little-there'll) matches up well too.]
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
Deep down within my soul
as far as I can go,
I visit me;
the me that's real.
I visit me
I visit me
© L. James Tanner
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:51 pm
by inga
Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart
suggest using "a". because you already a "t" sounding in every word in that line following it.
parT
noT
Torn
aparT
-----------
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 6:08 pm
by inga
1/What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
2/What scares me
Is how much
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
3/What scares me
Is how little
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
hmmm...I would put it side and deliberately not look or think of it for a week. When you go back the right version will jump out at you.
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 6:15 pm
by inga
My spelling there is proof you cannot type properly when the cat is determined to lie fully streched out, feet up in the air, where the keyboard should be situated.
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:45 am
by simonsays
Inga,
(The) doesn't have a 'T' sound like the other words you quote. It has a 'TH' sound. The difference between BATH and BAT. I also suggested a change due to the similarity, when said or sung, between (a part) and (apart). Reading them -- they're easy to separate, but vocally -- not so much IMO.
Steve
inga wrote:Somewhere in my heart
in (a the?) part not torn apart
suggest using "a". because you already a "t" sounding in every word in that line following it.
parT
noT
Torn
aparT
-----------
Re: I Visit Me
Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:51 am
by simonsays
Hi again Inga,
You left off the (me) in the last two options listed. I second you on your suggestion of coming back later to look at things.
Steve
inga wrote:1/What scares me
Is what me
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
2/What scares me
Is how much (me)
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
3/What scares me
Is how little (me)
there'll be,
by the time I am revealed.
hmmm...I would put it side and deliberately not look or think of it for a week. When you go back the right version will jump out at you.