Hello lyric lovers,
I recently wrote this chorus that I really liked but I've been struggling to get a matching verse for it, until I decided to match it with the verse for another song I had written earlier. It sounds good to me but I'd really appreciate feedback on whether the verses and the chorus are in sync and flows as one story. Thanks in advance.
GOLD
Verse 1
Sometimes in this life
We feel our spirits break
For the battles that we fight
We feel we cannot take
And then we look up to the sun
And we feel its scorching heat
For the light we truly seek
Is there inside of us
Restoration
At the end of this long road
No contention
Now I know
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Gold
Verse 2
Sometimes all your dreams
Can keep you wide awake
And the more you seem to reach
The more it fades away
But if you’re looking to the stars
Just remember who you are
For the strength you need to stand
Is never really far
Oh restoration
At the end of this long road
No contention
When you feel it you will know
Chorus
You are made of gold
You won’t burn, no you won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make you stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break you
It only feeds your hunger
You’re burning brighter, brighter
Gold
Bridge
So burn, burn, burn, burn
So burn it up, burn it up, burn it up, burn it up
This is what champions are made of
I’ll never give up
Building momentum
Heading for my prize
No time for second place
It’s the price I have to pay
I have everything it takes
This is my life
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger, stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Gold, gold, gold, gold
I’m brighter, I’m stronger, wiser, better
I am gold, gold, gold, yes I’m gold
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Gold
Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
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Oma
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BurtHK
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Some strong images going on
But you are telling me rather then showing me and in the Ch I am not sure of who the I, you or they are and most importantly how I should feel about them?
In the Ch you say the flame feeds you? But what is the flame - is it a good flame (positive pop/christian) or a negative flame (indie-goth/thrash metal)?
For me the most outstanding kernel is n the word 'restoration' - in fact I think you think it is too because you wrote it with an uppercase R in V1?
You evoke battlefields where spirits break; sun that scorches us; and dreams from which we awake - all juxtaposition that seem to beg the question is there restoration?
In many way your bridge is reiterating what you have already said and is redundant - bridges should counter pose the main idea or at least propel the final verse to a higher level of consideration
Restoration is the hook here for me - give us vivid images of the solider questioning their action on the battlefield and use it as a metaphor for betrayal in a relationship, then give us a second verse about dreams that we do or do not want to wake from again as a metaphor for a relationship then in the Ch as if there is Restoration?
Great word, excellent concept to build upon.
HTH
Burt
But you are telling me rather then showing me and in the Ch I am not sure of who the I, you or they are and most importantly how I should feel about them?
In the Ch you say the flame feeds you? But what is the flame - is it a good flame (positive pop/christian) or a negative flame (indie-goth/thrash metal)?
For me the most outstanding kernel is n the word 'restoration' - in fact I think you think it is too because you wrote it with an uppercase R in V1?
You evoke battlefields where spirits break; sun that scorches us; and dreams from which we awake - all juxtaposition that seem to beg the question is there restoration?
In many way your bridge is reiterating what you have already said and is redundant - bridges should counter pose the main idea or at least propel the final verse to a higher level of consideration
Restoration is the hook here for me - give us vivid images of the solider questioning their action on the battlefield and use it as a metaphor for betrayal in a relationship, then give us a second verse about dreams that we do or do not want to wake from again as a metaphor for a relationship then in the Ch as if there is Restoration?
Great word, excellent concept to build upon.
HTH
Burt
The sooner you fail, the sooner things can get better.
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songmaster
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Hi Oma
I really like these lyrics. It feels like a Whitney Houston type of strong song. I think if you just changed the first verse to first person, it would work much better.
Example
Sometimes in my life
I feel my spirit break
Every battle that I fight
I feel I cannot take
Then I look up to the sun
And I feel it's scorching heat
For the light I truly seek
Is there inside of me.
Anyway, just my take on it. I hope it helps.
This sounds like it will be a great song.
All the best
Tom
I really like these lyrics. It feels like a Whitney Houston type of strong song. I think if you just changed the first verse to first person, it would work much better.
Example
Sometimes in my life
I feel my spirit break
Every battle that I fight
I feel I cannot take
Then I look up to the sun
And I feel it's scorching heat
For the light I truly seek
Is there inside of me.
Anyway, just my take on it. I hope it helps.
This sounds like it will be a great song.
All the best
Tom
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Oma
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Hi Burt,
Thanks for your insightful comments. I feel you on the verses, I guess I should tell a story and make it more relatable. As for the flames, its just talking about the challenges of life that come to break you but instead they end up making you stronger so its not necessarily negative or positive. But I think I will have to rephrase that line as someone pointed out to me in a PM, gold actually melts when heated, I guess what I was trying to depict was really a bible verse that talks about our faith being tried in fire and coming out as fine gold at the end, I guess instead of saying stronger there, I would have something that maybe depicts refinement or being better. I take it you like the restoration concept, I just need to develope the storyline, however your last paragraph is not quite clear to me though, is it a question or a suggestion?
Hi Tom, thanks for the suggestion, you are right. I should make the first verse more personal and paint the imagery instead of just telling.
Will be reposting a rewrite soon. Thanks for your contributions.
Thanks for your insightful comments. I feel you on the verses, I guess I should tell a story and make it more relatable. As for the flames, its just talking about the challenges of life that come to break you but instead they end up making you stronger so its not necessarily negative or positive. But I think I will have to rephrase that line as someone pointed out to me in a PM, gold actually melts when heated, I guess what I was trying to depict was really a bible verse that talks about our faith being tried in fire and coming out as fine gold at the end, I guess instead of saying stronger there, I would have something that maybe depicts refinement or being better. I take it you like the restoration concept, I just need to develope the storyline, however your last paragraph is not quite clear to me though, is it a question or a suggestion?
Hi Tom, thanks for the suggestion, you are right. I should make the first verse more personal and paint the imagery instead of just telling.
Will be reposting a rewrite soon. Thanks for your contributions.
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BurtHK
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Hey Oma
The last paragraph is just a suggestion of a metaphor you might use.
Cheers
Burt
The last paragraph is just a suggestion of a metaphor you might use.
Cheers
Burt
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shibes
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Hello Oma -
Thought I'd tie back to your original question and look at the meter of your verses, which I think is tripping you up a bit in terms of the overall prosody and leads to the use of "restoration," which I think works as an overarching universal message for the song, so perhaps really your chorus. I think using gold as the metaphor is almost too metaphoric! Given the point-of-view (omniscient which I think is fine) you may want to stick to less specific references. This also feels like a song larger than the speaker, so again, OK to be less "story-based" here.
In terms of the meter ( - is a soft sound; x is a stress; | is the end of a foot) I'm going to rearrange your lines so they're in proper feet (think they're split because of the internal rhyme you're using, which is a great device for this song). By monitoring the meter, you can see there's a breakdown. And, the great thing about moments like those is the song is putting a big red flag right where you need to look. The meter breaks down just before your Restoration line. The song structure is telling you something - it's evolved. I think you've found your real chorus.
You've got 5 feet per line, which is very traditional length and works great for songs with a universal theme like yours. Notice in the "revised" below how removing a few words put more focus on the words "we" and "take" in the second line. Again, stresses the universal message with the pronoun "we" and moves it into a more powerful place within the lyrics meter.
- x | - - x | - x | - x | - x
Sometimes in this life we feel our spirits break
- - x | - - - x | - x | - x | - x
For the battles that we fight we feel we cannot take
Revised to:
- x | - - x | - x | - x | - x
Sometimes in this life we feel our spirits break:
- x - | - - x | - x | - x | - x
The battles that we fight are more than we can take
Similar to your line 3 (second half of line 2 above), I would try and make line 5 less formal. Adding a phrase like "for the light we truly seek | is there inside of us" makes the song more like a hymn - which works here if that's what you're going for, but again, the "Gold" reference in the verse tends not to work with the imagery you've created because it's using a metaphor to describe a metaphor.
My general sense is you have two different songs here - I would go with Restoration as your chorus and see where it leads you, and use the Gold chorus with a different verse. "Gold" chorus seems to be referencing a specific moment in time that caused the pain - and is a rebuttal to that cause. The cause never showed up in the first verse so there's a leap being made by the writer that's not present for the listener. Verse one is about looking inward for inspiration, restoration - not being made of a substance that will actually melt when exposed to enough heat - particularly the sun (metaphor actually breaks down when combined with verse 1 which is problematic).
Stick with where verse 1 is taking you. The song knows where it wants to go.
And - now you've got a second song from the Gold verse!
Thought I'd tie back to your original question and look at the meter of your verses, which I think is tripping you up a bit in terms of the overall prosody and leads to the use of "restoration," which I think works as an overarching universal message for the song, so perhaps really your chorus. I think using gold as the metaphor is almost too metaphoric! Given the point-of-view (omniscient which I think is fine) you may want to stick to less specific references. This also feels like a song larger than the speaker, so again, OK to be less "story-based" here.
In terms of the meter ( - is a soft sound; x is a stress; | is the end of a foot) I'm going to rearrange your lines so they're in proper feet (think they're split because of the internal rhyme you're using, which is a great device for this song). By monitoring the meter, you can see there's a breakdown. And, the great thing about moments like those is the song is putting a big red flag right where you need to look. The meter breaks down just before your Restoration line. The song structure is telling you something - it's evolved. I think you've found your real chorus.
You've got 5 feet per line, which is very traditional length and works great for songs with a universal theme like yours. Notice in the "revised" below how removing a few words put more focus on the words "we" and "take" in the second line. Again, stresses the universal message with the pronoun "we" and moves it into a more powerful place within the lyrics meter.
- x | - - x | - x | - x | - x
Sometimes in this life we feel our spirits break
- - x | - - - x | - x | - x | - x
For the battles that we fight we feel we cannot take
Revised to:
- x | - - x | - x | - x | - x
Sometimes in this life we feel our spirits break:
- x - | - - x | - x | - x | - x
The battles that we fight are more than we can take
Similar to your line 3 (second half of line 2 above), I would try and make line 5 less formal. Adding a phrase like "for the light we truly seek | is there inside of us" makes the song more like a hymn - which works here if that's what you're going for, but again, the "Gold" reference in the verse tends not to work with the imagery you've created because it's using a metaphor to describe a metaphor.
My general sense is you have two different songs here - I would go with Restoration as your chorus and see where it leads you, and use the Gold chorus with a different verse. "Gold" chorus seems to be referencing a specific moment in time that caused the pain - and is a rebuttal to that cause. The cause never showed up in the first verse so there's a leap being made by the writer that's not present for the listener. Verse one is about looking inward for inspiration, restoration - not being made of a substance that will actually melt when exposed to enough heat - particularly the sun (metaphor actually breaks down when combined with verse 1 which is problematic).
Stick with where verse 1 is taking you. The song knows where it wants to go.
And - now you've got a second song from the Gold verse!
L.A. Schaible
t: @shibes
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Oma
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Re: Gold - Does the verse go with the chorus
Hello Shibes,
Wow you are really good, do you teach songwritting or something. Anyway, thanks for the comments, they are very helpful, I never actually thought of using the 'Restoration' part as my chorus, but it actually works so I'm gonna go with that and I also like the comments you made on phrasing the verses.
As for the Gold concept, I decided to write a whole new verse for it based on all the feedback received here, so I have put that below. I do not have a bridge yet but I'm just focusing on the verses for now. I hope this works, the style is pop/rock.
Verse 1
In the midst of adversity
I’m gonna come out a better me
I don’t break, I bend because
I am the real deal
So when the world is coming down on me
I don’t worry, I can rise above
Every storm, every flame, every pain
So bring it on
Oh yeah
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Gold
Verse 2
So now I’m shinning for the world to see
If you don’t like go on and leave me please
I won’t stop for nothing now
I’m through with the fire
So raise your hand if you’re feeling this
Whatever comes we can deal with it
The world is our party, and life is our game
And this is our time to win
So say
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Wow you are really good, do you teach songwritting or something. Anyway, thanks for the comments, they are very helpful, I never actually thought of using the 'Restoration' part as my chorus, but it actually works so I'm gonna go with that and I also like the comments you made on phrasing the verses.
As for the Gold concept, I decided to write a whole new verse for it based on all the feedback received here, so I have put that below. I do not have a bridge yet but I'm just focusing on the verses for now. I hope this works, the style is pop/rock.
Verse 1
In the midst of adversity
I’m gonna come out a better me
I don’t break, I bend because
I am the real deal
So when the world is coming down on me
I don’t worry, I can rise above
Every storm, every flame, every pain
So bring it on
Oh yeah
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
Gold
Verse 2
So now I’m shinning for the world to see
If you don’t like go on and leave me please
I won’t stop for nothing now
I’m through with the fire
So raise your hand if you’re feeling this
Whatever comes we can deal with it
The world is our party, and life is our game
And this is our time to win
So say
Chorus
I am made of gold
I won’t burn, no I won’t burn
You see these flames
They can only make me stronger
So this pain
Can last a little longer
It won’t break me
It only feeds my hunger
I’m burning brighter, brighter
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