simonsays wrote:
Album: Tales of Love
Song: "Old souls"
Copyright Steve Simon 2013
(1st Verse)
1 We met at a friend's party
2 I didn't need to be a seer
3 you had such a strong physical presence
4 way greater than your peers
// In this verse, I'm getting that the singee is really good looking, or striking in some way, doesn't really matter which. I'm wondering if dropping "physical" will make it work better with the chorus. The chorus seems to be about a connection on a different level. I get that the initial attraction can be physical, and switch, but this song doesn't seem to be about that. If that's what you want, maybe we need a second verse, before the chorus, that makes that transition for the listener.
'Physical presence' refers to the state of 'being there'. By using strong with it, I was describing someone others tend to gravitate to ... who can own a room. Not by their physical appearance, but by their sense of self. Weighty with experience and confidence is what I was trying to convey.
(Chorus)
1 You had an 'Old Soul'
2 at least as old as mine
3 yeah, an 'Old Soul'
4 that's stood the test of time
5 an 'Old Soul'
6 with wise eyes beyond your years
7 an 'Old Soul'
8 and you let me buy you another beer
// I don't think it's obvious what you mean by "Old Soul" until line 6.
Mike, line 6 is not intended as an explanatory line. The (with) could have as easily been an (and). Meaning, the (wise eyes) are an additional feature not any sort of clarification. Most of my exposition is in my verses. The chorus I was trying to keep simple and hopefully hooky ... content wise.
That first line is a power position, and the line grabs you, but for me, I spent the next four lines wondering what you meant.
I'm sorry I lost you there. I thought the term 'old soul' was pretty well known. It goes back to at least the sixties I think.
You could mean all kinds of things, and I don't think the chorus as written advances any of them ... again, until you say "wise beyond your years" late. I get that line 6 could be setting up the joke in line 8 (all the wisdom has to do with beverage choice ... and choosing the singer), but I think the concept is unclear enough that you should clean that up right away.
As with a lot of my songs ... this one has a comedic aspect. The first lines of the chorus are intentionally deep and spiritual. (albeit new-age-ish) The second to last line focusses on the eyes ... getting more into the physical, with the last line switching to the purely physical sexual twist. (Alcohol is known as a social lubricant for a reason. 
)
(2nd Verse)
1 We caught our selfs up
2 with tales of past lives
3 wow, that party never ended
4 It was a forever night
// I think it's "selves."
You're right. 
I'll change that.
And I think the second line needs to have another beat,
That does sound better! Thanks Mike. I think I'll add an (our) between (of) and (past).
which I would use to add another, similar, topic of conversation. I like the "forever night" line, but I'd like it better if this was in the present tense, and we felt like it was still going on. And as I type this, I think the whole song should be in the present tense. That way, the audience is participating as it happens, rather than looking back. And it seems odd to me that the "forever night" is in the past.
I'll look into using the present tense, but I'm not sure that will work here Mike. The singer is reminiscing about a night that seemed to last forever. (ie, romanticizing it)
(Repeat Chorus)
I appreciate your feedback. Sorry for the slow response.