Trying too hard [urban lyric? word vote..]

[Kolstad]

Wonder how this comes across?
Any cliché alerts?

Poor language? (english is just my second language)
Whats the vote for "stars" vs "hearts" in the chorus?

Imaginative genre is rock, maybe with some urban beats (or the opposite ).

Trying Too Hard
©2013 Magne Kolstad

I’ve been everything to everyone
Trying to get all good things done
I’ve invested the true blood of my soul
In twisted schemes of people who lost control

Now I can’t keep track of what’s gained and what’s lost
Can't even remember how much I’m worth
I’m just trying to shake the dust of my clothes
Gauging the scope of my woes

I’ve been trying too hard [trying too hard]
I’ve done my best but took it too far [trying too hard]
Forgot who I was and what I’d really want [trying too hard]
I’ve been carrying a torch for much darker stars/hearts [trying too hard]
Now I try to swallow my pride [trying too hard]
And it shows in my bittersweet smile [trying too hard]
I’ve been trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]
Trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]

I’ve been sold on a bad bargain
Selling out with too narrow a margin
Now their voices are just noise in my head
But I can’t stop the blast from breaking into the red

There must be a way to stage a comeback
Without sucking up shit and look like a hack
I won’t be making promises this time
And I won’t make nice, keeping kindly in line

Cause, I’ve been trying too hard [trying too hard]
I’ve done my best but took it too far [trying too hard]
Forgot who I was and what I’d really want [trying too hard]
I’ve been carrying a torch for much darker stars/hearts [trying too hard]
Now I try to swallow my pride [trying too hard]
And it shows in my bittersweet smile [trying too hard]
I’ve been trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]
Trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]

Now I’ll walk a mile in my own shoes
Start all over to pay my dues
Get back in shape, doing nothing for none
Defend my true space, and fight to hold on

Cause, I’ve been trying too hard [trying too hard]
I’ve done my best but took it too far [trying too hard]
Forgot who I was and what I’d really want [trying too hard]
I’ve been carrying a torch for much darker stars/hearts [trying too hard]
Now I try to swallow my pride [trying too hard]
And it shows in my bittersweet smile [trying too hard]
I’ve been trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]
Trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]
Trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]
Trying too hard for too long [trying too hard]

[emilyfra]

Magne,

I'd like to hear this with some of your cool music behind it (I made a comment on soundcloud as Francesca Tamellini). Looking at lyrics without a melody is a dry sort of experience.

Where I would comment is:

'I’ve invested the true blood of my soul' - surely by its nature a soul does not have blood?

'Forgot who I was and what I’d really want ' - i think you need 'What I really wanted'

'Without sucking up shit and look like a hack' - should be 'looking' it is a verb following 'without'

'Now I’ll walk a mile in my own shoes,' - Maybe 'walk for miles' - a mile isn't very far, The Proclaimers went for a thousand!

'Get back in shape, doing nothing for none' - not sure what the 'none' means here.


I hope this doesn't seem pedantic. You said you are not a native English speaker, so these are just little things in a sea of excellence!

[Casey H]

I hope this doesn't seem pedantic. You said you are not a native English speaker, so these are just little things in a sea of excellence!

Sorry, just had to razz you, Emily (all in fun) ... You used the word "pedantic" followed by "You said you are not a native English speaker"... That's pretty funny.

Just teasin' ya.
Casey

[rdance]

your second language is better than my first!

+1 hearts. i like stars too, but hearts seems more human/personal.

not sure about the one expletive since it might kill a forward.

emily covered other stuff i noticed.

i too would like to hear the musical context.

overall story is very relate-able...sounds like my life!

[Kolstad]

Thank you very much, Emily (or Francesca.. I'm confused )
"Pedantic" is exactly what I need at this stage. It always pays off later

Great pointers, really helpful inputs for the rewrite, Emily. Thanks a bunch!

[Kolstad]

I hope this doesn't seem pedantic. You said you are not a native English speaker, so these are just little things in a sea of excellence!

Sorry, just had to razz you, Emily (all in fun) ... You used the word "pedantic" followed by "You said you are not a native English speaker"... That's pretty funny.

Just teasin' ya.
Casey

She tried to be nice there, huh. Never know how us crazy creatives take critiques..

[Kolstad]

your second language is better than my first!

+1 hearts. i like stars too, but hearts seems more human/personal.

not sure about the one expletive since it might kill a forward.

emily covered other stuff i noticed.

i too would like to hear the musical context.

overall story is very relate-able...sounds like my life!

Haha, and your first language is better than my first language

One for hearts, check. Don't know why I even put stars up against it.. you know how one can become attached to what you write first.. that damn originality..

Right, must have got caught up too much in the rapper persona, when I wrote this. "Sucking up shit" felt like a colloquial line in the course of (mental) events. No need to murder potential forwards in advance

Appreciate the native POW, Richard!