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Hey guys,

Would love to get your thoughts on the song lyrics I've written below. Is the narrative clear?

ANOTHER 48 HRS.

I knew who I was this morning
I’ve changed a few times since then
But, the yearn for you is constant
Every now and again
You haven’t washed out completely
Just one drop and I’m converted, see
I martyr for your church, baby
Hallelujah, amen

Second to none
Oh, I kneel before you in this pew
On this dog day afternoon
You know my aim is true
Keep holding strong
Though, they say you embody all that’s wrong
and two days isn’t long
I won’t give up

Hosannas for a heathen
Loving you is treason
But, my heart don’t offer reasons
I’ll always come; I’ll always come back
Though, sweet surrender sours
and the shackles weigh as I tower
the sound of your voice rings louder
Here’s to another 48 hours
Another 48 hours
Another 48

Hi Jolan,

Thank you so much for reading and your kind words. I looked up "martyr" and you're correct. The line is supposed to translate to "I will die for you baby". I'll also correct the "every now and again" line. Going to brainstorm.

Thanks again!

Elizabeth

Of course, already left a message for "Battle Cry"

x

I really liked the metaphor, "I martyr for your church, baby", though you're using martyr as a verb (perhaps, "I'm a martyr for your church"?). The tongue-in-cheek "Hosannas for a heathen" is great.

I would concur that "constant" and "now and then" work against each other, yet there's a fun duplicity in that statement.

cheers,
Niall

Thanks Naillyboy! Per below, I added a comma which should switch martyr from a verb to a noun.

I knew who I was this morning
Changed a few times since then
But, the yearn for you is constant
Every now and again
You haven’t washed out completely
With one drop you converted me
I, Martyr for your church, baby
Hallelujah, amen

Second to none
Oh, I kneel before you in this pew
On this dog day afternoon
You know my aim is true
Son of a gun
They say you embody all that’s wrong
and two days isn’t long
I won’t give up

Hosannas for a heathen
Loving you is treason
But, my heart don’t offer reasons
I’ll always come; I’ll always come back
Though, sweet surrender sours
and the shackles weigh as I tower
the sound of your voice rings louder

Here’s to another 48 hours
Another 48 hours
Another 48

Hey Elizabeth,

If it's a song, nobody's gonna hear the comma you added when it's sung, so I agree w/the comment above to rewrite that line to "I am a martyr....", otherwise it still sounds live a verb...

I'm not sure what genre you're writing in, but it reads more like a poem than a song, IMHO. I don't really see a clear hook, a chorus, or a consistent rhyme scheme from verse to verse. There are some cool lines and images, but many are disconnected, and in answer to your main question, I'm not really sure what the narrative is here. My other comments are in parentheses below.

I knew who I was this morning (good opening line - it makes me want to hear more)
Changed a few times since then
But, the yearn for you is constant
Every now and again (I concur that you can't have it both ways - it's either constant or it's not)
You haven’t washed out completely (If your yearning is constant, than I don't get the 'washed out' reference)
With one drop you converted me (one drop of what?)
I, Martyr for your church, baby (I think the "martyr for your church" is a really cool image!)
Hallelujah, amen

Second to none (this line came out of nowhere and doesn't feel connected to anything)
Oh, I kneel before you in this pew (cool line!)
On this dog day afternoon
You know my aim is true (a bit cliche)
Son of a gun (also disconnected...)
They say you embody all that’s wrong (who says? in what way does he/she embody all that's wrong?)
and two days isn’t long (I get that 48 hrs is your title, but aside from that, we haven't heard any reference to it...)
I won’t give up (give up what? trying? seeing him/her? it's not clear...)

Hosannas for a heathen (cool but disconnected... )
Loving you is treason (why? where is the betrayal? and whose?)
But, my heart don’t offer reasons (I like the heathen/treason/reason rhymes)
I’ll always come; I’ll always come back (you haven't left yet...)
Though, sweet surrender sours (very poetic, but who is surrendering? and why is it souring?)
and the shackles weigh as I tower (also poetic, but I don't get it...)
the sound of your voice rings louder

Here’s to another 48 hours (I get the connection to the "two days isn't long" line... I wonder if you could expand this into a chorus)
Another 48 hours
Another 48

There are plenty of examples of songs that have ambiguous lyrics (much of prog rock, for instance), but they tend not to be narrative songs. When I think of "narrative", I think of story-songs. I think there's a story here, but you haven't really told it clearly yet, IMHO.

If you want to leave it to the listener to figure out what you're trying to say, that's cool, too. Good luck with it, what ever you decide!

@mikemichnya Thank you so much for reading and replying! A lot of your observances make sense and I'm currently rewriting and will post when I'm done.

Hey Elizabeth,

Glad you found them helpful! I look forward to the rewrite.

@mikemichnya - Hey, revised lyrics below. I responded to your inquiries next to the accompanying lyric in bold. Look forward to hearing from you and others!

I knew who I was this morning
Changed a few times since then
But, the yearn for you is constant
Time and time again
You never washed out completely
In two days, you converted me
I martyr for your church, baby
Hallelujah, amen

Swore I was done
When I knelt before you in this pew
On that dog day afternoon
You tore my faith in two
Hard to out run
Though, I know you’re all that is wrong
And two days isn’t long
Habits die hard

Hosannas for a heathen ("heathen" continues the religious references made earlier)
Loving you is treason
But, my heart don’t offer reasons
I’ll always come; I’ll always come back
Though, sweet surrender sours (vocalist knows her devotion to her lover is ill advised thus why it eventually sours)
and the shackles weigh as I tower (as the vocalist grows in other ways, her love for the heathen shackles her)
the sound of your voice rings louder

Here’s to another 48 hours
Another 48 hours
Another 48

Hey Elizabeth,

There are plenty of songs w/ambiguous lyrics that did well ("Roundabout" by Yes always comes to mind), but IMHO, if you have to explain it after the fact, you haven't done your job. While I think I get the gist of this song - the singer has fallen for someone that's bad for him/her, and despite knowing better, keeps coming back for more - I still don't hear a clear narrative. There are some cool lines, but they aren't enough to hold my interest.

You know the old saying, "you don't get a second chance to make a first impression?" The average listener these days has such a short attention span, if you don't grab them and hold them, they're off listening to something else the first chance they get. Each line should lead almost inexhorably to the next line, but in a completely unique and interesting way. Most listeners won't stick around for ambiguous lyrics ~ unless they can dance to the beat, or the melody is really hooky. The more abstract and ambiguous your song is, the smaller your potential audience, IMHO.

There are some craft issues (such as the wildly different line lengths from verse to verse, the lack of a clear hook or consistent rhyme scheme, etc.) that can be corrected, but the big issue for me is the high level of ambiguity and abstraction in your lyrics, as opposed to a conversational narrative. But that will take more rewriting than adding, subtracting or switching a word or two.

Check out the Pat Pattison lyric writing workshop offered by Berklee College of Music on http://www.coursera.org. He talks about the lyric writers best friends: who, what, where, when, how and why:

Who is doing the singing? To whom are they singing? Why is the singer singing it?
What is happening? Where and when is it happening?
How does it all play out (or come together, as the case may be) in the end?
And most importantly, Why should the listener care about this song?

The answers to those questions (among others) should rapidly become apparent to the listener as the song progresses. If they don't, you might have expressed yourself, but you haven't communicated, and you can't expect the listener to get what you're trying to say. The challenge is to get those cool lyrical ideas to paint a compelling picture for the listener in a completely coherent and conversational way. Consider:

How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man?
How many seas must the white dove sail, before she sleeps in the sand?
How many times must the cannonballs fly, before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is Blowin' in the Wind,
The answer is Blowin' in the Wind...

Conversational, yet poetic. There's a consistent rhyme scheme from verse to verse, consistent line lengths, and a killer hook. (And I'm not really a fan of Dylan ~ heresy to some!)

Or for a more modern example, check out the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off."

I admit that my bias is that I want my listener to "get" what I'm trying to say, and not some other message that I didn't intend. But that's clearly not for everyone, and certainly there have been some great songs (American Pie) and songwriters (Joni Mitchell) that do just that. If you favor the more poetic approach, and that's the style you want to write in, go for it. Just be aware that you're narrowing your potential audience considerably.

Best of luck!