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This song isn't finished yet, but I'd like to figure this out before I write the last verse and the bridge. Basically I'm trying to see which version of storytelling is better; I know it's important to introduce all the characters/establish location/etc. right away, in the first verse, but I don't want to rush things, either. If it matters, the music is a mid-tempo classic rock sound, with a breathy voice (think Bryan Adams or Bon Jovi). So which do you like better:

Exhibit A:

Verse 1:
I've known Jackie for a long time
She's always been a good friend of mine
We're watching you out on the dance floor
She says “What are you waiting for?”

Verse 2:
Jackie ain't the shy and quiet kind
She likes to lay it out on the line
Her eyes light up, the wheels are turning
Your ears must have been burning

Pre-Chorus:
'Cause the gossip has been flowing like water
And it's sounding sweet as cherry wine
I could play it safe but why even bother
Now I know what's on your mind

Chorus:
'Cause Jackie told me that you wanna be
My sweet baby tonight
Jackie told me that you wanna see
If we make it to the morning light
And I got a feeling Jackie's right


****


Or Exhibit B:

Verse 1:
I've known Jackie for a long time
She's always been a good friend of mine
Ain't the soft and quiet shy kind
She lays it on the line

Verse 2:
We're watching you out on the dance floor
And Jackie asks me what I'm waiting for
Her eyes light up, the wheels are turning
Your ears must have been burning

Pre-Chorus
'Cause the gossip has been flowing like water
And it's sounding sweet as cherry wine
I could play it safe but why even bother
Now I know what's on your mind

Chorus:
'Cause Jackie told me that you wanna be
My sweet baby tonight
Jackie told me that you wanna see
If we make it to the morning light
And I got a feeling Jackie's right

Ha, 18 views and no comments... I'm prepared to accept that neither one works very well.

Well, in case anybody's wondering, I decided to go with Exhibit B. I like it; the music has a classic rock/Boston/Foreigner sound to it. Probably have to wait until April to record the song, but here's the finished lyric:

Jackie's Right

Verse:
I've known Jackie for a long time
She's always been a good friend of mine
Ain't the soft and shy quiet kind
She lays it on the line

Verse:
We're watching you out on the dance floor
And Jackie asks me what I'm waiting for
Her eyes light up, the wheels are turning
Your ears must have been burning

Pre-Chorus:
'Cause the gossip has been flowing like water
And it's sounding sweet as cherry wine
I could play it safe but why even bother
Now I know what's on your mind

Chorus:
'Cause Jackie told me that you wanna be
My sweet baby tonight
Jackie told me that you wanna see
If we make it to the morning light
And I got a feeling Jackie's right

Verse:
Now we're close and dancing real slow
And Jackie's smile says I told you so
Ain't that always how the story goes
I, I was the last to know

Pre-Chorus:
But her whispers carried over the music
And now my future's looking crystal clear
I'm following the trace of your lipstick
To find the words I wanna hear

Chorus:
'Cause Jackie told me that you wanna be
My sweet baby tonight
Jackie told me that you wanna see
If we make it to the morning light
And I got a feeling Jackie's right

Bridge:
Did I hear some regret in her voice
Or am I just living in my head
Sometimes I wonder if we're just friends
Should I be at home with Jackie instead

(Instrumental)

Chorus:
Oh, Jackie told me that you wanna be
My sweet baby tonight
Jackie told me that you wanna see
If we make it to the morning light
And I got a feeling Jackie
Got a feeling Jackie
I got a feeling Jackie's right