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hi. would like to have some feedback on these lyrics. should i switch the verses? any other suggestions?



picket fences


(v01)
i can see you through the raindrops
on my window as you leave
walking down the cobbled pathway
in the mist
to the gate we were so proud of
now it's shutting off my dream
gonna keep it open wide
with all of me

i try so hard to keep my eyes dry
i still want you here
but when you close the gate
i can't hold back my tears

(ch)
picket fences
built together
you were the best to take the worst of me
and paint it white and shiny
picket fences
hard to mend them
now that you're gone
how can i paint them on my own
can't let it be weathered memories

(v02)
there's a fence around my empty home
enclosing all our years
i should write your name
on every single board
many howling storms have raged
but faithfully it's standing there
when i close my eyes
i still see us here

i may have loose hinges
but my gate is rough and tight
i hope you noticed
when you walked out of my life

ch

(bridge)
every time i face the mist
looking at our masterpiece
i'm crying over you
not a board i would not mend
just have you here again
i hope you are crying to

ch

melodymessiah wrote:hi. would like to have some feedback on these lyrics. should i switch the verses? any other suggestions?



picket fences


(v01)
i can see you through the raindrops
on my window as you leave
walking down the cobbled pathway
in the mist
to the gate we were so proud of
now it's shutting off my dream
gonna keep it open wide
with all of me

i try so hard to keep my eyes dry
i still want you here
but when you close the gate
i can't hold back my tears

(ch)
picket fences
built together
you were the best to take the worst of me
and paint it white and shiny
picket fences
hard to mend them
now that you're gone
how can i paint them on my own
can't let it be weathered memories

(v02)
there's a fence around my empty home
enclosing all our years
i should write your name
on every single board
many howling storms have raged
but faithfully it's standing there
when i close my eyes
i still see us here

i may have loose hinges
but my gate is rough and tight
i hope you noticed
when you walked out of my life

ch

(bridge)
every time i face the mist
looking at our masterpiece
i'm crying over you
not a board i would not mend
just have you here again
i hope you are crying to

ch

You got a really nice poem here, and it really does work well as a poem when someone can read it and think about it, but I'd suggest being less poetic in the future when you're writing songs (if you're writing them to appeal to other people).

The thing is, a listener can only process so many words in a song. The simpler the phrases the better, because it's easier for the listener to wrap their head around it; and once they do that, they can draw emotion from it.

fwiw: to answer your question: V2 could work as V1, and V1 as V2.

My 2 cents:
penny 1)
Since "Picket Fences" is your title, maybe consider putting that into the opening line;
and find a way for it to be more of your hook/phrase in the Chorus.
(have you got Country music/instrument tracks for this?)

penny 2)
Doesn't read too-wordy as a story-telling song; but, as a song,
the payoff line mated with the title will help it be memorable, imho.

Hope that's a helpful bit of coin.