Freeway
Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:41 pm
I'm working on a country story song - Form: verse chorus verse chorus bridge chorus
I'm not sure if the variations of the chorus work or if the story goes too dark too quickly - switching gears for the listener without enough buildup or explanation. I'm also wondering if I need another verse to give the song a satisfying ending or if the bridge needs to be a stronger lyric to close the story.
I do have music, but I'm still tinkering with the melody for the chorus. Once I feel the lyrics are solid, I'll focus on finishing up the music.
Constructive criticism greatly appreciated.
FREEWAY
She packed her bags
Hid’em in the trunk
Took the car
When her dad was drunk
Eased down the drive with the headlights off
Had nowhere to go but she wasn’t lost
She took the freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life's perfect
When the bruises weren’t worth it
And everyday hit harder than the last
She ran away without looking back
Long ago her Mama said,
“You’ll be a star
Deep down inside
That’s who you really are
Nothing you can’t do
That you put your mind to”
Then the empty pill bottle hit the ground
And her Mama never made another sound
She took the freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life's perfect
When the bruises weren’t worth it
And everyday hit harder than the last
She passed away too young and too fast
Two lane backroad no street lights
Not another car in sight
Singing just as loud as she can
“Mama, this world’s gonna know who I am”
She's taking the Freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life’s perfect
When the bruises aren’t worth it
Each day is getting better than the last
She's breaking free from the past
I'm not sure if the variations of the chorus work or if the story goes too dark too quickly - switching gears for the listener without enough buildup or explanation. I'm also wondering if I need another verse to give the song a satisfying ending or if the bridge needs to be a stronger lyric to close the story.
I do have music, but I'm still tinkering with the melody for the chorus. Once I feel the lyrics are solid, I'll focus on finishing up the music.
Constructive criticism greatly appreciated.
FREEWAY
She packed her bags
Hid’em in the trunk
Took the car
When her dad was drunk
Eased down the drive with the headlights off
Had nowhere to go but she wasn’t lost
She took the freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life's perfect
When the bruises weren’t worth it
And everyday hit harder than the last
She ran away without looking back
Long ago her Mama said,
“You’ll be a star
Deep down inside
That’s who you really are
Nothing you can’t do
That you put your mind to”
Then the empty pill bottle hit the ground
And her Mama never made another sound
She took the freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life's perfect
When the bruises weren’t worth it
And everyday hit harder than the last
She passed away too young and too fast
Two lane backroad no street lights
Not another car in sight
Singing just as loud as she can
“Mama, this world’s gonna know who I am”
She's taking the Freeway
Free from the pain
Pretending life’s perfect
When the bruises aren’t worth it
Each day is getting better than the last
She's breaking free from the past
But I agree with the above. That's a very well written lyric. Let us know when it has some music to it.