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minding my own business hearing the clouds roll by
felt you smiling sweetly out of the corners of my I's
don't know why, who knows why
could have been a dream, could have been a scheme malign
why I am a victim of (a beauty so sublime/your beauty sublime)
I need to know why, somebody tell me why
had to tell you quickly nervous was what you made me
you told me you were taken, we would never ever be
you knew why, you told me why

every time I see you all I want to do is cry
any time I'm near you I feel as though I'm going to die
I don't know why
I don't know why

but
your friends put us together
often and then leave us alone
torture ensues, pleasantries exchange
and low
you tell me stories sexy
you tell me stories true and strange
why why why why why why

every time I see you all I want to do is cry
any time I'm near you I feel as though I'm going to die
I don't know why
I don't know why

You don't care that
every time I see you all I want to do is cry
any time I'm near you I feel as though I'm going to die
I deny
that I know why
There's no why
In my mind's eye
In my ear's eye
In this goodbye

Hi Nickec,

This lyric reads well to me, I have to say not bad at all. I am just wondering how would it sound with having music add to it.
I don't have any suggestions to say to you but I would like to encourage you to keep up the good work. Nice lyric.

Irwin

Here it is. Guitar and voice.

https://www.tiktok.com/@necafarelli/vid ... 3748996215

Nick
What's your goal for the song?

I am open to licensing, I will finish versions for streaming. My goal for all my songs is to learn from them, give audiences the opportunity to make them part of their lives, and to share how to play them. Songs expand the mind. I am attracted to mind expansion and find that making music enriches us all.

Nick
I strongly suggest you study some books on lyric writing if you want to write lyrics that have commercial potential such as Film/TV licensing. These lyrics have a lot of issues. At times you reverse phrases to force rhymes which is clunky (had to tell you quickly nervous was what you made me). Words like "scheme malign" are not very conversational which is how lyrics should be. Try to step back and think about how two people (preferably young for today's market) might speak with each other.

The storyline also doesn't make sense. "you knew why, you told me why"... So she told you why. Then you go on to say "I don't know why".

Is English your first language? Some of this reads like it might not be, in which case you could find a collaborator to help you. If English *is* your first language, then it's just a matter of you trying to take the words out of logical order to force rhymes which doesn't work.

Also, listen to some recent popular songs, pick some, and Google for the lyrics. Study how they are put together.

Best,
Casey

Will do, Casey. Thanks.