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I haven't been on this site for a while, but I decided to give up writing melodies for songs and try and give 100% to lyrics. I always felt I was stuck in my past as far as melodies went. Anyway, any advice on this song would be appreciated.

Tom

You Breathe Life Into Me

I've been feeling cold, like I'm six feet deep
Love is feelin so remote, I can't rest in peace
You have come and raised me up, from this frozen sleep
All you had to do was breathe

Chorus

Yeah, I feel it now, my heart is starting to beat
Bodies warmin as you breathe new life into me
My blood is racin, like a mad mob loose in the street
Now I know you're all I need
You breathe life into me, and it all comes alive
Every color that I see, I never saw with these eyes
Things were getting kind of black, just before my demise
Now I'mma sighin with relief
You breathe life into me
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh
You breathe life into me
Ooh ohh, ooh ooh
You breathe life into me

I resigned to endless nights, wasted in the dark
Tryin to find a little light, in a strangers heart
I was always on the edge, and it was so sharp
Then you took me in your arms

Chorus

Bridge

Life's an uncertain dance
But one thing I know for sure
You are my second chance
You are my only cure

Chorus...end.

Nice job, paints a story and kept me reading til the end.

Thanks Hummingbird! I appreciate the encouragement

Tom

I too like the imagery, my only nit is the word 'twilight' which still evokes sappy teenage vampire movie to me. Of course, not everyone has a negative reaction to that story line. Maybe what you were going for?

My main problem is with the opening line:

I've been laying like a ghost, like I'm six feet deep

As I envision a ghost, it is FAILING to lie six feet deep... it keeps wondering around, tormented. So it feels like a contradiction.

Also, all those little permutations of "breathe life into me" may be hard to fit into a (repeating) chorus line. One has a part before it ("Bodies warmin"), another has an extra "new"... when this is sung, it might be hard to make it fit to a single melodic line.

Otherwise, nice work!

Thanks Alan! I was a little unsure of "Twilight" for the reasons you mentioned, but also, as I searched for a good adjective, words like "endless", "uneasy","restless" etc. they all seemed a little final and I wanted to make it feel like he was not permanently dead, but was in a bit of a transition, if only the right person would come along. I will have another look at it.

Thanks Zaychi! In beginning I had the line "walking like a ghost" but that didn't seem to work with "six feet deep" I think you are right about "laying" I might take the word "ghost" out and think of another line. Thanks for the confirmation. I didn't have too much problems with singing "You breathe life into me" if you hold the first two lines "You Breathe........life into me" it works. of course it all depends on the melody. I will talk a look at those other things you mentioned also. I appreciate your comments.

Tom

Maybe this works better. " I feel broken in my soul, like I'm six feet deep" ?
And for the "Twilight" line. " You have come and raised me up, from this "frozen" sleep "?
I think I like these better, thanks guys

Tom

I like your thought process.
+1 for the eagerness to work your craft

Thanks Alan! I really appreciated your help.

Tom

A "broken soul" is a bit of a clichee though, don't you think?