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Hey! So I know I'm pretty ruthless when it comes to critiquing others, so please feel free to let me have it with this one. I have a feeling it's too ambiguous...when I look at it myself, it leaves me asking a whole lot of questions. That's something I always point out with other people's lyrics. Regardless, I'm wondering if it makes sense to anyone else, or if I should scrap it's ambiguity and put specific examples, etc. in it. It's a ballad...Here goes:Lighthouse Shine No MoreErin VenableYou had a way with wordsAnd earnest blue eyesThat made me believe you could never lieStanding in the dark, your lightWas enough to make this simple girl think she was wise.(PC)But when morning cameI saw what pain You causedSoLighthouse, shine no moreOn Fantasy Island’s shoreI can’t live like this, that’s for sureLighthouse, shine no moreI played the game your way But it left me eatin’ sandAnd all my dreams, they crumbled in your hand.Looking in your face, I knewThat the only way out was turnin’ around and leavin’ you (PC)Oh, when morning cameI saw what painYou causedSo, Lighthouse, shine no moreOn Fantasy Island’s shoreI can’t live like this, that’s for sureLighthouse, shine no more(Bridge)Gonna row, row, row my boat awayIt’s your game of make-believe I can’t play

Hi Erin. I really like the structure of this. I get tired of seeing 4-line verses with 4-line choruses and a 4-line bridge. You have been creative with form and rhyme.I think the opening is fine:You had a way with wordsAnd earnest blue eyesThat YOU made me believe you could never liethis is where you lose me:Standing in the dark, your light was enough to make this simple girl think she was wise.Grammatically you are really saying: "Your light, standing in the dark, was enough to make this simple girl think she was wise." or maybe "Your light was enough to make this simple girl standing in the dark think she was wise." Either way, the meaning is convoluted. if there was light, how were you standing in the dark?this is ambiguous, but that ambiguity is okay, if this phrase is leading to the payoff of the chorus, where the meaning will become clear:But when morning cameI saw what pain You causedbut it doesn't:SoLighthouse, shine no moreOn Fantasy Island’s shore - where's the cause?"I can’t live like this, that’s for sure" - we don't know what this means. How did you live?Basically the song is saying:Act 1 - I was in the dark, I was attracted to your light, but when the morning came, you hurt me (how?).Conclusion/chorus - your light was really darkness, or your light was a Fantasy, I danced like a moth to your flame and got burned. Or I'm gonna punch/put your lights out. I'm gonna pull the plug on you.You've got great ideas, just take it deeper, be a little more edgy. Don't let the rhyme dictate the story. Good stuff. Love to see the next draft HTHcheersHummin'bird

Hmm...good point about not really having a payoff. Let me work with it some more...Thanks for your help!

OK, here's my 2 cents:"I played the game your way But it left me eatin’ sandAnd all my dreams, they crumbled in your hand.Looking in your face, I knewThat the only way out was turnin’ around and leavin’ you"I played love's game your way =6With dreams built on the sand =6They crumbled in your hand =6And when I looked into your face, I knew =10There was no trace of love from lovin' you =10I felt that this verse should continue the theme of disappointment, since the following verses outline the resulting "action" (lighthouse shine no more).

Vikki - okay, so what do you think about this revised chorus:Lighthouse, shine no moreOn Fantasy Island’s shoreI can’t go on like thisHoldin’ on to empty promisesThat I’ve risked everything forSo, Lighthouse, shine no moreDoes that explain the "pain he caused"? And I'm wondering if I'm tapping into the full metaphor of the lighthouse enough, or if it's too weak...your thoughts? And then, with my revised chorus, does the second verse just repeat the same sentiment, or does it give you new information? You're guess about the overall statement is correct when you said "your light was a fantasy and i can't go on like that anymore"...but am I saying it effectively? Larry - thanks for your input! I DO want to continue the theme of disappointment...that's good. Erin

Hi Erin-Are you sure you want to reference a cheesy 70's sitcom in your love song ("Fantasy Island")? It'll be hard to take any of it seriously after that...:PAndré

Andre - Okay, I have to admit I didn't know it was a 70's sitcom. Partly because I was BORN in the late 70's, and partly b/c I didn't watch much TV growing up.Dang. Does anyone else make this connection (the TV show), as the first thing you thought?

Quote:Andre - Okay, I have to admit I didn't know it was a 70's sitcom. Partly because I was BORN in the late 70's, and partly b/c I didn't watch much TV growing up.Dang. Does anyone else make this connection (the TV show), as the first thing you thought? gotta vote with Andre on this one. I think a large percentage of us 35+ will cringe on that reference.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFK1rvL2NoQ

I think this can be dealt with by using the word 'fantasy' in a different context.

Quote:Hi Erin-Are you sure you want to reference a cheesy 70's sitcom in your love song ("Fantasy Island")? It'll be hard to take any of it seriously after that...:PAndré yep I agreehow about Heartache Island shore