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(scroll to the bottom of this thread to see the most recent edits to these lyrics)Ok, let me just say that I have written a song that could potentially be in a film. This could be the break that I have been looking for. The film is about my small hometown in Indiana and the fictional world of underground poker tournaments. It's supposed to be the "Major League" of card playing or the "Caddy Shack" of card playing. It's called "Hitting the Nuts". When a card player hits the nuts, that means he has the best hand on the table. This movie is more about life than poker playing, but sometimes life hits us in the nuts too. Anyway, to make a long story short, the producer, writer, and creator of the film is a friend of mine and I played guitar in his wedding. He does improv comedy and it's looking like a few of Saturday Night Live's cast members are going to be in the project. He's hoping that it can be another "Napolian Dynamite" breakthrough hit. Filming starts next summer. I talked to my friend, the producer, and told him that I could nail the title track if given the opportunity and he told me to go for it. Well, faster than any song I have ever written, I am already done with it. Lyrics, melodies, structure, you name it. I even rehearsed it with the singer today and we start recording next week. It's going to be a Travis Tritt inspired country rocker (kinda like T-R-O-U-B-L-E). It tells the story of a sure winner, so he thinks, that bets it all thinking that he's going to hit the nuts. In the end, well...he gets hit in the nuts when another player beats his hand. Please check it out below. The words are pretty much done. I need some professional feedback here. Please read each line carefully. If you have any suggestions or word changes let me know. Many of the terms are poker lingo already, but I want all lines to be winners. This could be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. Thanks guys. The words are below: (This has been revised since original post. Thanks for your help Hummingbird )“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI'll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI'm fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in on hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m all in on hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to seeChorus:When the dealins all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sightI’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em to the skyAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo:Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I was all in and I thought it was guarenteedBut to my surprise I was beaten by my companyOutro Chorus:When the deal was all doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was ableBut I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, that’s the way life goes…sometimes you hit and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.

Hey Tony - sounds like a great opp. Hope it works out for you. I've got a few comments on the lyric - bear in mind this is just my take on it, keep or sweep. “Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’m gonna ante up cause I only need one (one what? - doesn't the ante come before the bet?)With aces in the pocket and queens in the holeI’m lookin for the A flush and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m all in on A hand that’s a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m a waiting to see (mixed metaphor)Chorus:When the dealin's all doneI’m gonna know that I wonIt’s gonna be a glorious sight (POV: after I've won)I’ll take it all inI know I’m gonna win (POV: before I've won)Cause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m playing it coolHow bout another shot before I take em all to schoolThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doThey’ll wish they had a folded by the time this hand is throughPre Chorus:Chorus:Bridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise their bet tonight (I wouldn't use 'tonight' here if it's in your hook)All my chips are in and I’m gonna take stock (wouldn't you 'take stock' before you go all in?)When the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…(the bridge is too similar in rythm/meter & rhyme scheme to the verses. I suggest a 2-line bridge that moves the action forward)Guitar Solo:Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is now over and it’s time for the show (how is the game over if you haven't shown your hand yet?)Pre Chorus:I’m WAS all in on a hand that was guaranteed (present tense)But to my surprise I was beaten by my company (past tense - also I'm not sure if "company" scans well; and 'to my surprise' feels lumpy - maybe there's a better way to say this)Outro Chorus: When the dealin was doneAnd another man wonI was thinkin that it couldn’t be rightI left it all on the table, I thought that I was able (able to what? fragment)But I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightI didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)I think your verses are stronger than your chorus & the hook comes in too late. I'd try bookending the chorus or even repeating the hook more.Chorus:I'm Hittin' the Nuts(raking in the dough)yeah I'm Hittin' the Nutsda da da da da dado do do do do dodo do do do do doI’m Hitting the Nuts tonight Lots of good stuff, but I feel this could be tighter. I wonder about having 3 verses and a bridge and a solo. Maybe make the bridge a musical one, since it really doesn't say much that is new and is too similar the verses.Will you post your rewrite?Hope that helps a little,cheersHummin'bird

It's definitely scanning better!"I'm thinking that most people will know that I only need one more card to make my hand complete or to finish out the full house."Yes, I know that's what you mean. But this line is not strong because it is a fragmented sentence. Remember, the people listening to the song aren't going to have the lyrics in front of them. Are you willing to leave it to chance? I wouldn't be.I’m all in and it’s sure to be a winner for meBut I’m rolling the dice for a card I’m still waiting to seeI feel the last pre-chorus suddenly sounds less 'country' and more 'wordy'. I'd make it more punchy.I stand by my comments that the chorus isn't hooky enough. I guess my feeling is, yes, your current chorus is okay. But it's not kick-ass. It doesn't hit me, hook me. You've got an opportunity that most of us would give our eye-teeth for. Are you really willing to settle for what you have - or can you make it better? If you have to re-write the music to bookend the chorus with your hook and use more gambling terms to bring the chorus to life... I'd do it. I know what Jason Blume would say..... make every part of your song shine, and make the most of your opportunity.cheersHummin'bird

Looks like you got the right idea I'll keep an eye out for your re-writes. Happy Thanksgiving right back at ya (I had mine last month but what the heck)cheersH

I like this re-write, I think the chorus is stronger. There are some good points above. I'm glad to see you reworking and rewriting.....that second line in your first verse still stops the flow for me

Quote:Also, if only a professional poker player sees a slight glitch in the wording, do I sacrifice a good line for thatThe first thing I thought of when I read your question is how many times I've watched a film and as a former professional software/computer guy, I'd see all kinds of things in scenes that involve a computer that just don't happen or work that way in real life. Most people wouldn't notice so in the case of a movie, they go for the "feel" of the scene (for the majority of viewers) rather than for technical accuracy (for the minority of viewers). My vote would be to go for the item that will please the majority of listeners (the great line).

This just gets better and better! I still feel that the chorus is a weak & I had a couple of suggestions for other lines, they follow.Note: there is a little "timing" thing between the prechorus, which says "I'm all in" and the bridge, which says "I’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sight" - you can't raise when you're all in.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“Hitting The Nuts”In the style of Travis TrittBy: Tony CarterVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and bankin on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m RAISIN', YEAH, I’m bankin on a winner to be I’m bettin’ Lady Luck TURNS UP the card I needChorus:yeah, I’m Hitting the Nuts tonight!GONNA HIT THE BIG ONESTACK UP THE THE LOOT I've wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in - I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetThe tables lookin at me wonderin what I’m gonna doI’m gonna double up my take before THIS hand is throughPre Chorus:I’m RAISIN', YEAH, I’m bankin on a winner to be I’m bettin’ Lady Luck TURNS UP the card I needChorus:yeah, I’m Hitting the Nuts tonight!GONNA HIT THE BIG ONESTACK UP THE THE LOOT I've wonIt’s bound to be a glorious sightI’ll rake it all in - I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hitting the Nuts tonightBridge: Bobby Joe’s on my left and Billy Bob’s on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll my chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a little peekA little red queen is givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I WENT all in - KNEW THE POT WAS guaranteedBut the big dog at the table laid em down and busted meOutro Chorus:When the dealin was doneBIG OL' BOBBY JOE wonI was thinkin that it COULDN'T be rightHE SHOWED FOUR THREES - I HAD BULLETS OVER QUEENSSO I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonightNO, I didn’t Hit The Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hummin'bird

Toncart-Glad to see so many people helping you on this; it's forum feedback at its finest.For my small contribution, I'd like to suggest informalizing the tagline and title - "Hittin' The Nuts." You have informal word forms peppered throughout the song ("needin," "dealin," "aint") so I assume you're in that frame of mind with the vibe...this sounds much more natural and less stiff to me.If you decide to rap over any of it, you could even go so far as calling it "Hittin' Da Nutz." Andre

" The river hit me bigger than the Rio Grande but he drowned my stack with a better hand. " ...AubDid someone call Bingo RanG

Hi - I think it works fine if the pre-chorus continues present tense and then the outtro goes past tense. I recommend that approach.....“Hittin The Nuts Tonight”Written By: Tony CarterPerformend By: M. RobinsonVerse I:It’s my turn to bet and I’m under the gunI’ll push it to the limit cause I’m only needin oneWith aces on the table and queens in the holeI’m fillin up the house and waiting on the roll Pre Chorus:I’m gonna bet the farm, it’s sure to be a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit it with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightVerse II:The dealer man is ready and I’m putting on the heat I’ve got my aces up and my queens are lookin sweetMy poker face is ready, this is what I’m gonna doI’ll call another round, then I’ll raise it through the roofPre Chorus: I’m gonna bet the town, it’s sure to be a guaranteeI know I’m gonna hit it with this hand staring back at meChorus:When the dealin’s all doneI’ll be the lucky oneIt’s bound to be a marvelous sightI’ll rake it all in I know I’m gonna winCause I’m Hittin the Nuts tonightBridge: I’ve got deuces on my left and kings on my rightI’m gonna call their bluff and raise em out of sightAll the chips are in, I’m already takin stockWhen the last card falls it’s sure to be a lock…Guitar Solo: (spoken) Ahhhhh, show me what you got…Verse III With the last card down, I take a quick peekA little red queen’s givin me a big wink The house is now full and I’m ready to goThis game is almost over and it’s time for the showPre Chorus:I thrOW my cards down, THINKING IT'S a guaranteeTHEN I SEE THE HAND OF the guy sittin next to me...Outro Chorus:He had a grin on his faceAs he flashed another aceHis king took my queen by surprise I lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerCause I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonightI lost it all playin pokerNow I’m feelin like a jokerBut I didn’t Hit the Nuts tonight (2x)Spoken: Hey, aint that just the way life goes…sometimes you hit it and sometimes you get hit. Don’t let it get you down.~~~~~~~~~~~~I think you have an excellent lyric now, except for "I thought that I was able" - it's a weak line & it feels like the only reason it's there is the need for a rhyme. I made a suggestion about that.Thanks for sharing your process with all of us. One thing I noticed was how willing you were to listen and consider feedback - IMO that attitude is crucial in being a successful songwriter."The advice on here is worth the money spent"you can buy me a beer at the next Rally ...but otherwise it costs nothing to join this forum and get free advice I think we're all eager to hear this with the music!!!cheersHummin'bird