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mikeShort wrote:I like the contrast between day and night. And on the whole I think the lyric works very well.

I don't think "buttery" works though. It stands out when I read this as a word that's only there to rhyme with sultry. And the first verse describes her as a ghost, so I think something more ephemeral and less ... greasy ... would work better.

simonsays wrote:Album: 2 Die 4
Song: Snow White Succubus
Copyright Steve Simon 2011


(1st Verse)

1 When I first met this beautiful ghost
2 her dark side didn't show
3 was it love?
4 or just lust?

(Pre-Chorus)

1 Little did I know ...

(Chorus)

1 She's a ... Snow White Succubus
2 An Angel by day, and a Demon by night
3 She's a ... Snow White Succubus
4 and when we're alone
5 I'm so far gone -- past wrong or right
6 a ... Snow White Succubus
7 If she's so hot ... why am I so cold?
8 a ... Snow White succubus
9 so ... this is how it feels, to be burned by snow!

(2nd Verse)

1 In the daylight -- she seems so soft and buttery
2 but in the night time -- she glows white hot and sultry
3 by day -- I see her sweet demure
4 by night -- I feel the heat of her allure

(Pre-Chorus)

1 Little did I know ...

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)

1 When we first met
2 I didn't know
3 was this love?
4 or just lust?
5 now I know it's both ...
6 and she's turning me to dust

(Repeat Chorus)

mikeShort wrote:I like the new bits, especially the "porcelain" skin, which is white, lustrous, hard and cold. Just a great word.

This time through, I was also struck by line 5 of the chorus, where you have "wrong or right." I think you did that to rhyme with night, but I think it's totally unnecessary ... the more common "right or wrong" has an inside rhyme with "gone" AND consonance with "alone" so I'd go with that.

Hi Mike,

I'm glad that you liked that 'porcelain' image. I was picturing her like a "perfect porcelain doll." (beautiful and un-aging ... but on the flip side -- cold and hard.)

You're right about me choosing the 'wrong/right' order, for the outside rhyme scheme. (ie, night-right, and cold-snow). I considered that option ... and while I do like the internal (ie, in line) assonance/consonance possibilities there ... presently, I'm liking the outside rhyme better. Plus with how I like to twist things -- the reversal of right/wrong suits my style. Thanks though, for highlighting that possibility! As I like to stress, all input is good input , by my way of thinking. Again, thanks for your input.

Steve

jonathansorensen wrote:I like this lyric. It's quite visual and visceral.

In your 2nd addition: "I asked her once,
2 "How do you get that, cold white porcelain skin?"
3 she just smiled and said, "Hell ... it's easy"
4 " I never let the light come in!"

Those lines really resonate with the overall idea of this beautiful, angelic woman who's actually dangerous.

The second section isn't bad, just doesn't seem like it fits into the dark poetry of the rest of the lyric. This is a really interesting lyric. Sexy and dark at the same time.

The line you're working with "buttery/fluffy" is a really important moment to define the image of this woman. It doesn't seem like you've nailed it yet. I get the dangerous vision of her but the day image doesn't seem to click. Maybe it's too light?

Anyway, hope that helps. I'd love to hear the tune when you get it nailed down.

Best,
Jon

simonsays wrote:

jonathansorensen wrote:I like this lyric. It's quite visual and visceral.

In your 2nd addition: "I asked her once,
2 "How do you get that, cold white porcelain skin?"
3 she just smiled and said, "Hell ... it's easy"
4 " I never let the light come in!"

Those lines really resonate with the overall idea of this beautiful, angelic woman who's actually dangerous.

The second section isn't bad, just doesn't seem like it fits into the dark poetry of the rest of the lyric. This is a really interesting lyric. Sexy and dark at the same time.

The line you're working with "buttery/fluffy" is a really important moment to define the image of this woman. It doesn't seem like you've nailed it yet. I get the dangerous vision of her but the day image doesn't seem to click. Maybe it's too light?

Anyway, hope that helps. I'd love to hear the tune when you get it nailed down.

Best,
Jon

Hi Jon,

1st off, thank you for taking time to offer your thoughts here!
By second section ... are you referring to my second verse ... or the second part of my revised first verse, that I brainstormed the other day?
At the moment I'm pretty happy with 'fluffy' for her good day image description. I think it's a definite improvement word and concept wise over 'buttery'!
I'm not sure how you're using the word 'light' in "Maybe it's too light?". Did you mean too good? ( as in the opposite of dark/evil), or too light ... (as in light hearted?), or something else entirely?

Steve