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Hi there

This is a new song I've just finished. Would appreciate any comments.

Don’t Look Back

The couch feels cold and empty every evening
She used to snuggle close for extra warmth
I drive to her bed when she rings me ‘cause she’s lonely
Forgetting why I left her twice before

Chorus
Don’t look back, that’s not where I’m going
Turn and face the road that lies ahead
Don’t fall down, I’ve got to turn around
Don’t look back, it’s not where I want to go

She’d tell her friends the things I said were private
And laugh at stuff she promised not to share
She could be so cruel when she’d been drinking
She’d dance with another guy like I wasn’t there

Chorus

Bridge
I park the car and sit there in the darkness
Knowing in my heart what I need to do

Chorus


© F-M C Cossey 2011


Cheers

Hi FM,
I was scrolling back through the songs for ones with no responses ... and this one caught my eye.

FMstereo wrote:Hi there

This is a new song I've just finished. Would appreciate any comments.

Don’t Look Back

Nice, short, and to the point title. It also has me wondering what the singer doesn't want to look back on.

The couch feels cold and empty every evening
She used to snuggle close for extra warmth
I drive to her bed when she rings me ‘cause she’s lonely
Forgetting why I left her twice before

The first verse sets the mood/tone well, and the setting too.

Chorus
Don’t look back, that’s not where I’m going
Turn and face the road that lies ahead
Don’t fall down, I’ve got to turn around
Don’t look back, it’s not where I want to go

I understand that the chorus is probably more figurative than literal, however, the sequencing there gave me some trouble. You had him driving back and forth from her place. So when I hear that first "Don't look back" I pictured him driving away from her house, and also figuratively leaving her in his past. The next line "turn and face the road that lies ahead" doesn't make much sense to me in that light. If he 'turns' again he would be heading straight back in her direction. (nit picky, I know. But that's just how it came across to me) The "Don't fall down" part also doesn't jive with me. I think that's because I still had the 'he's driving' visual in my head.
I did like how you repeated the title twice in your chorus, and where you were going with the chorus. (well, where you were trying to lead me. It may be my fault that I got turned around in there. )

She’d tell her friends the things I said were private
And laugh at stuff she promised not to share
She could be so cruel when she’d been drinking
She’d dance with another guy like I wasn’t there

Great exposition here on why he left her twice before!

Chorus

Bridge
I park the car and sit there in the darkness
Knowing in my heart what I need to do

I don't get the sequencing of this part either. Is he waiting in the car outside her place or his? Is this before of after he sleeps with her? The "Knowing ... what I need to do" line I interpret as him knowing he has to leave her for good. Setting the place and time for the 'sitting in the car' line might help make the "knowing' line more concrete IMO. I don't know how big a deal this stuff might be to others, but to me, a visual of what's happening helps.

Sincerely, Steve (aka, SimonSays)

Chorus


© F-M C Cossey 2011


Cheers

Hi Steve

Thanks for all your comments. You've given me some good things to think about for the chorus and the bridge. You're right that the chorus is more figurative than literal, but I probably should have paid a little more attention to the actual meanings, and not just the convenience of the rhymes!

Cheers

Nice job...I like the lyric. A couple things I thought might make it a little stronger:

"She used to snuggle close for extra warmth"
- I'm not a fan of the word extra here. It implies to me she's already warm and therefore decreases the emotional impact of her cuddling up to you. I think it'd be stronger to say that snuggling up to you was the only way she could get warm. I realize that's probably not how it really happened in real life, but hey...songwriter's license


"I drive to her bed when she rings me 'cause she's lonely"

- I think this line needs to be changed/simplified. There are 4 pronouns in this line and it gets confusing (her, she, me, she's)

Also, there's so much info given in the life it's hard to keep it together:
1. You're driving
2. You end up in her bed
3. This happens after she calls you
4. She's lonely

Someone listening to the song once without lyrics in front of them may get confused. Maybe you can leave out 1-2 pieces of detail above and leave them implied. For example, I think people would still understand you were driving to hook up with her, even if you left out the bed part.

Hi Mike

Thanks for your comments; you've made some really good points.

Cheers