TAXI.com

DonnaMarilyn wrote:I like to write across genres, stepping out of my comfort zone now and then. Recently, I've tried my hand at a few pop lyrics (the themes based on brief posts on the dearoldlove site).

I'd be pleased to have feedback on this one. Give it to me both barrels. [Gotcha, I'm locked and loaded ... No holdin' back!]
(Specifics: does line 4 in V2 work? What about the pre-choruses?)

I hear the (eventual) song as upbeat, catchy, and a little quirky. Female vocals.

Donna

Which Mistake [ I give you points for the short title. But it wasn't all that memorable for me. It is indicative of the song, but
lacks the alliteration and/or assonance that would IMO make it more catchy.(for example; "Which Mistake I Made")

V1
You dropped in for a (freezie) [What's a 'freezie'?]
(Liked) the magnets on my fridge [you might want to upgrade (liked) to (loved). When I read those first two lines, (dropped) and (freezie) led me to misread that (liked) as (like). My freezer magnets are always dropping! I think even sung ... some people might hear that (liked) as (like).]

I thought I’d found a soul-mate
In a world of cosmic kitsch [I love this line!]

V2
You like smooth peanut butter
While I'm more the crunchy kind [I like these lines too.]
I didn't think this difference
Would (dent) a meld of minds [(dent) derailed me ... it didn't seem to fit image wise with (meld) and (minds). I would suggest something like (prevent).]

Pre-chorus
Yet over time life intervened
Doubts and dangers came between
And… [As far as I could see, there's nothing off with this pre-chorus.]

Chorus
(If) Loving you was a big mistake [I think this could use a qualifier like (If). The (Loving) and (leaving) as definitive statements ... don't seem to fit the questioning tone of this piece.]
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was (flee or fight) [Why the 'fight or flight' type reference here?
(flee) fits with your (leaving) in line 2 of the chorus, but fighting doesn't fit with your (loving).

Which mistake was right [I like this line, but the line preceding it, doesn't work as well IMO. I think you could do better.]

[Dianne Warren's song "Right Kind of Wrong" in the movie "Coyote Ugly" is a favorite of mine. This has a similar theme, but is not as catchy for me. Your chorus read a bit verse like.( A little repetition there might help IMO.)]

V3
It’s easier to sleep now
If I shut out thoughts of you
But harder finding reasons
To get up and make it through [Nice verse.]

Pre-chorus
For over time life interfered
Somehow (the?) magic disappeared [Other than the (the) I added in my head as I read this, like your first pre-chorus ... this one seemed fine to me.]
And

Chorus
Loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was flee or fight
Which mistake was right

Bridge
What happened to our midnight talks
The laughter in your eyes
Like when I oven-dried your socks

Chorus
Loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was flee or fight
Which mistake was right

© 2012 Donna Devine

DonnaMarilyn wrote:I like to write across genres, stepping out of my comfort zone now and then. Recently, I've tried my hand at a few pop lyrics (the themes based on brief posts on the dearoldlove site).

I'd be pleased to have feedback on this one. Give it to me both barrels. [Gotcha, I'm locked and loaded ... No holdin' back!]
(Specifics: does line 4 in V2 work? What about the pre-choruses?)

I hear the (eventual) song as upbeat, catchy, and a little quirky. Female vocals.

Donna

Which Mistake [ I give you points for the short title. But it wasn't all that memorable for me. It is indicative of the song, but
lacks the alliteration and/or assonance that would IMO make it more catchy.(for example; "Which Mistake I Made")
Agreed. I took the title from a line in post on the dearoldlove site, and at the time of writing (during the recent 50/90 challenge) was sticking close to that post. However, something catchier is called for. Maybe 'Which Mistake Did I Make'.
V1
You dropped in for a (freezie) [What's a 'freezie'?] A kind frozen dessert with no stick. Also known as an 'ice pop' or 'freezer pop'. Really, it's a slushy juice frozen in a plastic wrapping. I almost used 'popsicle' instead but wanted the alliteration with 'fridge'.
(Liked) the magnets on my fridge [you might want to upgrade (liked) to (loved). When I read those first two lines, (dropped) and (freezie) led me to misread that (liked) as (like). My freezer magnets are always dropping! I think even sung ... some people might hear that (liked) as (like).] Agreed. I had the same thought about 'liked'.

I thought I’d found a soul-mate
In a world of cosmic kitsch [I love this line!]

V2
You like smooth peanut butter
While I'm more the crunchy kind [I like these lines too.]
I didn't think this difference
Would (dent) a meld of minds [(dent) derailed me ... it didn't seem to fit image wise with (meld) and (minds). I would suggest something like (prevent).] I've been so-so about this line. I wanted something quirky, and 'prevent' seemed a little dull. I take your point, though.

Pre-chorus
Yet over time life intervened
Doubts and dangers came between
And… [As far as I could see, there's nothing off with this pre-chorus.]

Chorus
(If) Loving you was a big mistake [I think this could use a qualifier like (If). The (Loving) and (leaving) as definitive statements ... don't seem to fit the questioning tone of this piece.] Good point.
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was (flee or fight) [Why the 'fight or flight' type reference here?
(flee) fits with your (leaving) in line 2 of the chorus, but fighting doesn't fit with your (loving). I agree. I had doubts about this as well. I was hoping that 'fight' would imply they'd argued, but it's true it doesn't fit.

Which mistake was right [I like this line, but the line preceding it, doesn't work as well IMO. I think you could do better.] I'll sort this out.

[Dianne Warren's song "Right Kind of Wrong" in the movie "Coyote Ugly" is a favorite of mine. This has a similar theme, but is not as catchy for me. Your chorus read a bit verse like.( A little repetition there might help IMO.)] Good point.

V3
It’s easier to sleep now
If I shut out thoughts of you
But harder finding reasons
To get up and make it through [Nice verse.]

Pre-chorus
For over time life interfered
Somehow (the?) magic disappeared [Other than the (the) I added in my head as I read this, like your first pre-chorus ... this one seemed fine to me.]
And

Chorus
Loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was flee or fight
Which mistake was right

Bridge
What happened to our midnight talks
The laughter in your eyes
Like when I oven-dried your socks

Chorus
Loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
Now which mistake was the right one
I’m in existential hell
So when the choice was flee or fight
Which mistake was right

© 2012 Donna Devine

DonnaMarilyn wrote:I like to write across genres, stepping out of my comfort zone now and then. Recently, I've tried my hand at a few pop lyrics (the themes based on brief posts on the dearoldlove site).

I'd be pleased to have feedback on this one. Give it to me both barrels.

I hear the (eventual) song as upbeat, catchy, and a little quirky. Female vocals.

Donna

UPDATE 11.10: I've tweaked the lyric already, taking into consideration a couple of Simon's suggestions (below).
I've also shortened/tightened up the chorus.

Further feedback is welcome.

Which Mistake Was Right [I like the new title. It's easier for me to remember now. That, and It's still on point with the song.]

V1
You dropped in for a freezie
Loved the magnets on my fridge
I thought I’d found a soul-mate
In a world of cosmic kitsch

V2
You like smooth peanut butter
While I'm more the crunchy kind
I didn't think this difference
Would prevent a meld of minds

Pre-chorus
Yet over time life intervened
Doubts and dangers came between

Chorus
If loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
So which mistake was right
Oh, I’m in existential hell
(The) choice was flight or stay and fight [My only new suggestion for you is changing your (the) to (my). I think it would make it more personable, and it also adds assonance with (fight) and (flight).]
Now which mistake was right

V3
It’s easier to sleep now
If I shut out thoughts of you
But harder finding reasons
To get up and battle through

Pre-chorus
Yes, over time life interfered
Seems the magic disappeared

Chorus
If loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
So which mistake was right
Oh, I’m in existential hell
(The) choice was flight or stay and fight
Now which mistake was right

Bridge
What happened to our midnight talks
The laughter in your eyes
Like when I oven-dried your socks

Chorus
If loving you was a big mistake
Leaving was as well
So which mistake was right
Oh, I’m in existential hell
(The) choice was flight or stay and fight
Now which mistake was right

© 2012 Donna Devine