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Hi everyone. I wrote these today, just kinda wondering how they come across. Any comments appreciated

[verse1]
You shone a light in my eyes
This morning
And I wasn't sure quite what to say
Took me by surprise
With a warning
Now I see you in a whole new way

[pre-chorus 1]
If you try to fight much longer
You're on your own.
But I believe we are stronger than this
Than this

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in
Lets give it a little time to breathe

[verse 2]
We been talking all night
And I'm hurting
But you stick to your story
You took flight in the night out of sight
And you left me
Would you just say you're sorry?

[pre-chorus 2]
Coz if we try to fight much longer
We'll make our bed

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in
Lets give it a little time to breathe
Lets take some space from this tonight
Give it time to breathe.

(here's the recording if you wanna hear it: http://tessbmusic.co.uk/songs/timetobreathe.html)

The music and vocals sound good, Tess. If you plan to revise the lyric, I have a few suggestions. It might mean adjusting the melody, however.

Basically, I'd like to have more of a story, a little background. It's not quite clear what's going on. As a result, there's a chance neither the verses nor the chorus will grab a listener by the throat. Adding a bridge between the 2nd and 3rd chorus might help punch things up.

I realise that a singer-songwriter can pretty much do whatever she/he likes with lyrics & music. However, I'm looking at the lyric in terms of how it might be strengthened by taking on a more familiar structure, and not simply being a generic recounting of a person's (real or imaginary) experience, but related in a slightly more concrete way that will cause listeners to think 'Yes! I can relate to that! Those details are spot on!'

I hope the comments are useful. They're simply one person's opinion.

Donna

[verse1]
You shone a light in my eyes Image not clear. Was it a flashlight? Was the ceiling light turned on? Or the bedside lamp? Was it done on purpose to annoy the singer?
This morning
And I wasn't sure quite what to say
Took me by surprise
With a warning The notion of 'warning' seems to contradict the idea of 'surprise'.
Now I see you in a whole new way

[pre-chorus 1]
If you try to fight much longer
You're on your own.
But I believe we are stronger than this What is 'this'? I assume it refers to the unpleasant situation, and working through it, but I feel more clarity and detail are needed.
Than this

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in What does 'it' refer to? The fact of breaking up? The need for space to reconsider things?
Lets give it a little time to breathe

[verse 2]
We been talking all night I like lines 1 & 2. They're visceral, conversational.
And I'm hurting
But you stick to your story
You took flight in the night out of sight Suggest rethinking this line. It's a bit Dr Seuss-like, and is out of sync with line 4 in V1.
And you left me
Would you just say you're sorry?

[pre-chorus 2] Why is this pre-chorus shorter than the first one?
Coz if we try to fight much longer
We'll make our bed

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in
Lets give it a little time to breathe
Lets take some space from this tonight
Give it time to breathe.

(here's the recording if you wanna hear it: http://tessbmusic.co.uk/songs/timetobreathe.html)[/quote]

DonnaMarilyn wrote:The music and vocals sound good, Tess. If you plan to revise the lyric, I have a few suggestions. It might mean adjusting the melody, however.

Basically, I'd like to have more of a story, a little background. It's not quite clear what's going on. As a result, there's a chance neither the verses nor the chorus will grab a listener by the throat. Adding a bridge between the 2nd and 3rd chorus might help punch things up.

I realise that a singer-songwriter can pretty much do whatever she/he likes with lyrics & music. However, I'm looking at the lyric in terms of how it might be strengthened by taking on a more familiar structure, and not simply being a generic recounting of a person's (real or imaginary) experience, but related in a slightly more concrete way that will cause listeners to think 'Yes! I can relate to that! Those details are spot on!'

I hope the comments are useful. They're simply one person's opinion.

Donna

[verse1]
You shone a light in my eyes Image not clear. Was it a flashlight? Was the ceiling light turned on? Or the bedside lamp? Was it done on purpose to annoy the singer?
This morning
And I wasn't sure quite what to say
Took me by surprise
With a warning The notion of 'warning' seems to contradict the idea of 'surprise'.
Now I see you in a whole new way

[pre-chorus 1]
If you try to fight much longer
You're on your own.
But I believe we are stronger than this What is 'this'? I assume it refers to the unpleasant situation, and working through it, but I feel more clarity and detail are needed.
Than this

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in What does 'it' refer to? The fact of breaking up? The need for space to reconsider things?
Lets give it a little time to breathe

[verse 2]
We been talking all night I like lines 1 & 2. They're visceral, conversational.
And I'm hurting
But you stick to your story
You took flight in the night out of sight Suggest rethinking this line. It's a bit Dr Seuss-like, and is out of sync with line in V1.
And you left me
Would you just say you're sorry?

[pre-chorus 2] Why is this pre-chorus shorter than the first one?
Coz if we try to fight much longer
We'll make our bed

[chorus]
Would you give me some time?
Just to let it settle in
Lets give it a little time to breathe
Lets take some space from this tonight
Give it time to breathe.

(here's the recording if you wanna hear it: http://tessbmusic.co.uk/songs/timetobreathe.html)

[/quote]



Good song.. liked it.. nicely sung.