TAXI.com

Hi Megan,
Ok, I'll try to play nice. 'Try' being the operative word for me. As usual with my crits ... please feel free to keep or sweep ... as you see fit! (Yep, I'm in a seussian mood again ... green words and trying to ham things up! )
Steve

megannuell wrote:First time posting lyrics so am a little nervous, strike that.... very nervous. I have music for verse and chorus so far, I always struggle with the bridge : ( any help/feedback/advice is so very appreciated.

I am attempting to write for film/TV/advertising in case this helps critique.

Sunshine always from Megan : )


ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river (falls on) my pillow [I had some trouble with this image. individual drops I can picture falling/dropping ... a 'river' though IMO (runs down). Yes, waterfalls are rivers that drop down ... but 'rivers that fall' sounds a bit contrived to me as a substitute. But heck, that might be just me nitpicking. ]
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie (awake) in (heartbreak) beside you [Nice assonance here! ]
My soul spent, my heart (robbed) [I understand you were probably just going for a rhyme here, but one does not rob ones-self ... so ... why would she be blaming herself for that? If her heart is gone, but not taken ... perhaps it's just lost?]
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the (darkness drinks) me in [Nice alliteration, and sticking to your analogy here! ]
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking

FOR EVERYTHING WE (HAVE) [(Have) sounds like the good stuff to me ... I would expect blame to be for what was (lost)]
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

You've never lifted a hand to me
You've never () raised your voice [(Once) might place unnecessary emphasis here ... but I found myself adding it in my head anyway. (Just another keep or sweep thing.)]
You've never forced yourself on me
Or taken away my choice
Still I am broken
The (lacerations) show [if she blames herself ... (flagellations) might work better here. That is, if you're willing to lose the alliteration tie-in with the next line. It's up to you, of course.]
From this (loveless life) [I love great alliteration. Nice job here! ]
That has stolen all my hope

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

Bridge
I want to open my mouth [This bridge does not work for me for a couple of reasons. First, the imagery is indistinct. What does she want pouring out? (Her love?) What does that look like in your mind? Second, If she's pouring out her love for someone else ... why do you later say it's ... for her alone? Now, if it's her (knowing and feeling love) that's for her alone, then it would seem to imply that she might have been cheated on ... and that brings us back to her logically blaming him, instead of herself again. (at least if you want a sympathetic character, one a singer would want to sing about) ]

and let (it) pour out [What is it?]
Out of my heart, out of my soul
I want to feel warmth instead of cold
I want to know love
I want to feel love
For me, For me
Alone

FOR EVERYTHING WE HAVE
FOR THIS GREAT DIVIDE
THE TEARS THAT FLOOD THE VALLEYS BELOW
FOR ALL THE TIMES WE'VE TRIED
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF
I BLAME MYSELF, ALONE

I hope this was useful for you Megan, and not too tough to take.
Sunshine to you too Megan. (An entirely appropriate sentiment for me right now I think, since it's currently raining here! )
Sincerely, Steve (Aka, SimonSays)

megannuell wrote: ALONE
© Megan Nuell 2012

Another river soaking my pillow
Another breath quietly sobbed
I lie awake in heartbreak beside you
My soul spent, my heart throbs
My eyes close around the moisture
I pray the darkness drinks me in
Please let sleep come this time
Let me be done thinking