what's you all's thoughts on this?

[KBearden]

Blood on the Moon

(1st verse and chorus)
There was blood on the moon tonight
Children playing with the weapons of the night
Cold blue steel flashing deadly bright
And there was blood on the moon tonight

What kind of world must these children see
As they lay dying on a cold wet street
Are they wondering what just went wrong
Or are they cursing life be gone......life be gone

There is a conscience that society bears
Although well hidden within our despair
We must rise above to conquer the night
And wipe the blood from the moon shining bright

The children are the moon and you and I the night
We must understand that we're their only guide
We are the teachers, from us they learn to hide
Resulting in blood again on the moon tonight

We hold the answers
It's up to you and I
We must teach the children
We don't live to die

(chorus)

There was blood on the moon again tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Len911]

Mudbug, I think you have unraveled your metaphor, first by preaching, and secondly by explaining it.

For the metaphor to work, it shouldn't need explanation. By the children being the moon, you have to transfer everything that happens and what is happening to the children, to the moon. The moon doesn't lie on a cold, wet street. If you and I are the night, "the weapons of the night" are ours, but "we must rise up and conquer the night", would be conquering ourselves because we are the night.

I think if you translated the points in the preaching to the metaphor, you would lose the contradictions that occur when you go back and forth between the metaphor and preaching. A single focus is also easier to follow.

You've picked some difficult metaphors imo. The moon usually represents lovers or lunacy, not so much children, and the night usually hasn't represented society. Maybe the moon revolving around the earth, or the earth revolving around the sun, though generally I think most parent's lives revolve around their children.

Because you are describing the affects of gun violence on kids, why not a metaphor more direct, like "a child is a loaded gun", or "society is a gun"? and proceed from there. The details of how a child is a loaded gun, or how society is a gun, has the potential to need no preaching and depending on how convincing the details are, need no explanation. hth

[Uttenreither]

The opening verse is quite shocking with out a setup. The second and third verse sections should come first to help lead the listener into the metaphor.

[inga]

(1st verse and chorus)
blood on the moon tonight
Children playing with weapons of night
steel flashing deadly bright
blood on the moon tonight

What kind of world children see
As they lay dying on cold wet street
wondering what went wrong
cursing life is gone......life is gone

There's a conscience society bears
hidden within despair
We must rise to conquer night
wipe blood from moon bright

children are the moon, you and I night
understand we're their guide
the teachers, from us they learn to hide
Resulting in blood again on moon tonight

We hold the answers
you and I
teach the children
don't live to die

(chorus)

blood on moon tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/quote]

[SpeakLifeSasha]

Hi Mudbug!

I enjoyed much of this. The first line, though jarring, drew me right in. I love the visual but saw the line as more overstatement or hyperbole than a metaphor for children. I can totally see the blood splatters staining the moon while it remains detached. I agree that as the lyric progressed it began to unravel. First regarding form: The lyric seems to be set in AABA based upon the first two verses and what appears to be a bridge. However, you seem to be missing a refrain/hook/title in most of your verses. The first verse sets it up nicely with the refrain framing the verse in the first and last lines, but that then disappears. Then there is additional lyric and reference to a chorus. Not quite sure what that all means. Secondly, if you want the moon to represent something, the metaphor would probably work better if society was the moon and the children where actual children dying of gun violence. Lastly, the bridge is preachy. Consider approaching it from the standpoint of be the change that the world needs a la Man in the Mirror. Good start though. Definitely has promise.

Sasha

[KBearden]

I appreciate the feedback, I really do, but I believes a lot of overthinking is going on...

[Len911]

I appreciate the feedback, I really do, but I believes a lot of overthinking is going on...

You may try tweeting to @realDonaldTrump for the greatest under thought out review. I hear he's the best!.

[KBearden]

really len911, politics in this forum....OK...you still trying to clean up the salt that saturated your toes from crying that hillary lost? here to help? you are a perfect example of those that can't achieve, "teach". I sent my lyrics to hillary and she responded with.... I need to put more "twiddle dee, twiddle dumb to power up the message and put it on the cloud....hee hee pathetic

I simply made a suggestion that I thought there was to much thinking going into the critique. I wrote that over 30 tears ago and the message holds true today. kids are killing kids...trying to pull intent from the 1st verse to the 3rd to the 2nd, the 2nd to the bridge, who's the moon? who's the night?....The message my friend is that we are all bleeding.............old and young...................and please keep politics off of this forum.................

[Len911]

really len911, politics in this forum....OK...you still trying to clean up the salt that saturated your toes from crying that hillary lost? here to help? you are a perfect example of those that can't achieve, "teach". I sent my lyrics to hillary and she responded with.... I need to put more "twiddle dee, twiddle dumb to power up the message and put it on the cloud....hee hee pathetic

I simply made a suggestion that I thought there was to much thinking going into the critique. I wrote that over 30 tears ago and the message holds true today. kids are killing kids...trying to pull intent from the 1st verse to the 3rd to the 2nd, the 2nd to the bridge, who's the moon? who's the night?....The message my friend is that we are all bleeding.............old and young...................and please keep politics off of this forum.................

I simply made a joke about your comment that too much thinking was going on into the critique. It wasn't political, it was that I thought DT was a splendid example of an under-thinker, irregardless of politics. As a Bernie Bro, I have to apologize for not crying at Hillary's loss,lol! As for over-thinking my critique, you are probably correct, I do tend to over-think things.

Here to help, I sure hope so, though it doesn't seem to be the best way to make friends,lol! I'm definitely not an over-achiever, you are correct on that one. My philosophy on teaching is probably not mainstream either, I think the most important thing is causing someone to think, not necessarily learning them the facts.

I understand that I bombed on my joke, but what I am really curious about personally is what your thoughts were on my critique.

[KBearden]

your cool bernie bro...as far as what I think of your critique, we''ll start with this.... The moon doesn't lie on a cold, wet street. that's not what the verse states.. what kind of world do these children see....it clearly states "as THEY lay dying on this cold wet street",,,,, this is where I don't see how you mix the metaphor stated later (the children are the moon) and the song title to that line. Also the metaphor of "blood on the moon" is simply the premise to the story. 1st verse...kids are killing kids...2nd verse... kids without guidance no not what they do.....3rd verse.... we as adults owe something to the replenished generations ( happy to make them but "get away kid, you bother me" (W.C. Fields) 4th verse and bridge is .... GOD DAMMIT we need to do something about it. You and others critiqued 4th and bridge as preaching. .....Bernie preaches to you and you believe it.........he he
the children are the moon as they revolve around the night, the reality of life and living to grow old as you and I.........Mudbug