Will You Be (NEW work tape, wrap-up, please)

[derekmcfarland]

5/02/09: OK, I finally got time this morning to record another work tape with some revisions. I'm going to lay down tracks on Tuesday. Final lyric tweaks can always take place afterwards, but I hope some of the weak lines have been improved.I'd really like some specific feedback on:1) New solo/bridge chord progression. I had feedback that the original one was not quite right, so I tried something less predictable.2) Did the addition of the extra "will you be" at the end of the chorus make an improvement? Original chorus stopped after "you already are to me."3) Anything else?THANKS!Derekhttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=2316 ... m=trueWill You Be (revised)(V1)Hey Baby, I'm nervous and I don't know why'Cause I've never been so sure of anything in my lifeLet's find out if you agreeI'm gonna get down on one knee(C)Will you be, will you beThe one who knows my thoughts before I speakWill you be, will you beMy life, my laugh, my love and all the thingsYou already are to meWill you be(V2)I'm crazy, all I've been thinkin 'bout is this daySat in my car, and practiced every word I'd sayYou can restore my sanityGive me your hand now, and take this ring(C)Will you be, will you beMy kiss goodnight when we disagreeWill you be, will you beMy life, my laugh, my love and all the thingsYou already are to meWill you be(solo)(C)Will you be, will you beThe last one I see before I fall asleepWill you be, will you beMy life, my laugh, my loveMy gift from God aboveAnd all the other thingsYou already are to meWill you bewords and music Derek McFarland © 2009

[deantaylor]

Derek,Beautiful ballad. Love the melody. Really good hook. The words are good, I really like the opening 2 lines. Here's just a few ideas for you:1. Consider adding one more line to the chorus .. WILL YOU BE .. at the end .. not sure it is better, but I'd consider it.2. I think this line could be improved......... What we should do; where to go; what I'd say3. Maybe .... Just hold OUT your hand and take this ring or.... Just GIVE ME your hand and take this ring Very good song.Dean

[solrax]

It's a very good song. Not my style of music at all, but I really enjoyed it. Me personally I think everything was good, but I agree with Dean on two things. 1) You should end it with "Will you be". I think it would complete the song. 2) Just hold out your hand and take this ring IMO flows a little better. Overall great song that I'm sure will go far.

[k o star]

hey Derek... the Chorus of this song is the main strength... very good hook indeed.U know with words like that & e romantic feel... this could be a hit IMHO...Good song... I like the second last note U used at the end... don't know what U call it but gives a good feeling...-Kel

[lyricboy]

I like it, man.It reminds me of Cool Change (Little River Band?) and of Bread, too.The tempo could be picked up just a bit IMO.GREAT job.

[eokamura]

Hey Derek Very strong tune here. You're another one of those guys that sets the bar high and gives the rest of us something to work towards. The one thing I kept wanting to hear in the chorus was a different, more held out phrasing of "you already are to me" and I'll see if I can explain without being able to write it out in rhythmic notation. Hold out "al" ( of already) for 1/2 note and then "rea" 1/4 note and "dy" 1/4 note and then "are" is a 1/2 note and "for" 1/4 note and then sustain "me" into the start of the verse changes. I hope you can decipher this. It could suck but for whatever reason that's what I kept hearing in my head. Good stuff! eo.

[teleblaster]

Very nice Nashville ballad feel. I could hear the drums enter into a nice side stick groove on the 2nd verse. My only rub was the ascending whole step chords after the 2nd chorus -- they just didn't seem to lay down with the rest of the song.Great piece o work.Erich

[marcblack30]

nice derek, very nice with some powerful vox, sounds great!i can hear this with a nice full production and great potential to be a hit.my only beef is the line "I'm worried you might laugh at me", sometimes lines grow on ya, on the first listen it kinda stuck out to me. could just be me.nice work!

[jwebbinspired]

Derek, Heck yeah. You've got something here. Your melody is solid (and not too predictable, and you almost want it to be slightly predictable on this subject, i think) I agree with Marc about the line "I'm worried you might laugh at me" I think he's more worried about a "no"...or better yet, he's nervous and he "has no reason to be" to underline his confidence in their relationship. Too bad Emerson Drive didn't get a chance at this one first. Better song than their latest single imho. My favorite line: "The one who knows my thoughts before I speak" Great job Derek. I would just work on the third line of the first verse. Not really an exact lyric suggestion, but maybe a topical suggestion: I'm worried but have no reason to be, You're waiting on me to get on my knee, I love it Derek!Andy

[ideascapes]

Nice job, Derek. And you have a voice that can definitely pull off a ballad such as this. There are enough musical surprises to make this an interesting composition, so congrats.Since you wanted comments on the lyric, I zero'd right in on the hook: "Will you be all the (other) things you already are to me?" It's a sweet concept, but slightly confusing. Obviously, when you are spelling out the items in the chorus (my life, laugh, love), it makes perfect sense. It just seems that the idea of "and all the other things" makes it sound like you just can't think of what they are (or maybe the other things are not so good?). It sounds like you really mean, "everything."I would just recommend you give the above idea a little more thought and, if it still rings true to you, go for it!Vince