YOUNG DAYS - a Taxi collab

[deantaylor]

I wrote the lyric. Matt Stevens composed-produced it. We'd really appreciate some feedback on this draft, before we get a country singer to record the final vox. Our primary goal is film/tv.1. If you are busy, just respond with 1-2 words. Rate our songwriting - Excellent, Very Good, Good, Average, Below Average2. Do you like starting each verse with the same words, "I remember ..", or should we start a little differently for v2 and v4, like the written lyric below.3. I think a good vocalist will be able to easily lift the prechorus and chorus sections nicely above where they sit in this draft. Agree?4. All comments welcomehttp://www.taximusic.com/song.php?song_id=9365 ... -----YOUNG DAYS© 2008 by Matthew Stevens & Dean Brantley TaylorLyrics by Dean Brantley Taylor (ASCAP) Denver, CO 80218 USAwww.mp3unsigned.com/DeanTaylor.asp www.LetsTalkMusic.com/DeanTaylor Music by Matthew Stevens (BMI)http://keystevens.googlepages.com VERSE 1 I remember my first bike .. American FlyerFishin’ all morning while the sun burned higherRunnin’ through the woods, chasin’ the windKissin’ my first girl on a Coke bottle spin VERSE 2 And I remember my sister, hula hoop ‘n Springsteen ... or And I (can) still see my sister ….Dancin’ with her girlfriends as she turned thirteenSummers in the yard, baseball with boysWhackin’ at a pitch and makin’ all kind a’ noise PRE-CHORUS 1Heart beatin’ fast, try to make it last CHORUS Young days, fun daysWill-they-never-come-again daysYoung days, best daysI remember them like yesterdaysVERSE 3I remember Elton John's radio songsPhiladelphia Freedom played so hard, loud and longWillie and Waylon, Barbara MandrellSeger and The Eagles and the stories they’d tell VERSE 4And I remember Friday nights, goin’ out with friends ... or And all (a’) those Friday nights ….Stretchin’ out the curfew, so it never would endBorrowin’ Dad’s old truck, drivin’ everywhereHey Adventure, we took all of your dares PRE-CHORUS 2Dreams reachin’ far, gotta get a carCHORUS BRIDGE Slip and Slide, Hot Wheels, Monty let's make a dealPinball, PacMan, Bandit and his Trans AmPet rocks, Icees, wear those hot pants pleaseTravolta's Barbarino, Camaro(s), El Camino(s)Mandy, Brandy, All in the FamilyDisco, New Wave, Urban Cowboy dance craze PRE-CHORUS 3Song singin’ high, American PieCHORUS END© 2008 by Matthew Stevens & Dean Brantley Taylor

[deantaylor]

Any takers? We'd really appreciate any comments. Just one-two words is enough (excellent, very-good, good, average, below-average).Thanks,Dean

[steini]

Being an honest kind of man I'll tell it frank:The song is very good I think, and the playing excellent with good lyrics. My main beef is the singing, the voice is way to low for this kind of upbeat song, you need a higher voice that has some tenor color in it, it would life the song high. A major would be good for the chorus.

[deantaylor]

Stein,Thanks for giving us some feedback. We agree. We plan to have another vocalist record the song. This is just a draft. You are the second to recommend a higher key. What key would you recommend?Dean

[daskitso]

I'm not an expert in this genre, and I know you're planning on changing the vocals, but the first thing that made it kind of difficult to judge was the mix had the vocals too far back to really hear and in effect feel what you are trying to get across. Also it didn't seem to go anywhere. It just seemed to trudge along in the same pocket. It's didn't build up, it didn't taper off. I think with each verse a song has to grow a bit. Change just enough to make it intersting, but not so much that you can't tell it's the same song. And not to beat a dead horse, but I'll add to the vote for a higher key as well. That too will give the song more energy. But you are a nice person and people really like you. lol.

[Casey H]

Hi Dean 'ol friend, Some really cool lyrics here and what may be a pretty darn good song. I agree with what's been said that the vocal in this low key makes it too hard to feel the energy of the song and give a better opinion. I'm not sure that, musically, the chorus is as strong as it could be. But maybe sung in a higher key I could get a sense for whether there is a nice "lift". My gut reaction is you might need something more there. You say you are targeting country for film/TV. Even though film/TV is more forgiving as far as that high bar approach to country, you still need to be sure your song can really BE a country song. I'm not 100% of this, but references to Springsteen and Elton John might (big question mark with my comment) make it less country in comparison to the other artists you named. The chorus chord structure and melody doesn't feel very country to me. A big disclaimer on those comments... I am not all that into country music. There is a really good song in here. It would be fun to hear the next version.Warmest, Casey

[Casey H]

Quote:Stein,Thanks for giving us some feedback. We agree. We plan to have another vocalist record the song. This is just a draft. You are the second to recommend a higher key. What key would you recommend?DeanI don't think that can be answered with an absolute. You want a key that works for the vocalist, high enough to give it energy without the vocalist straining or sounding unnatural.

[squids]

Average but only because of the key set so low and that I think it should be sung by a female instead (we're more likely to sing about stuff like this). The subject matter makes it a tough sell but that doesn't make it a good song, Dean. I like it jes fine. It might work for alt country unless you wanna drop the pop references. Commercial country doesn't always appreciate acknowledgement of other genres of music.

[keystevens]

Thanks for the great feedback guys. I used the key of "F" as the main key and I will try what was recommended to me of going to the key of "A". I think squids may be right saying alt country, or maybe another sub-genre of country. Dean has been great working with on this song. The bridge was my third attempt, but the rest seemed to fall together nicely. We have had a lot of feedback on a build up throughout and I am not sure yet how I can achieve this.For our next mix I will try to create a build-up and sing the new key for my last attempt before a good vocal for this style is found. Thanks very much again for the feedback so far guys.Matt

[arkjack]

I gave a listen. I think its a nice song, well constructed. As far as the key change goes, I would meet with the vocalist and find out what key he or she likes and then redo the tracking to fit. With regard to the artist reference, I agree, Elton John should be Johnny Cash, and Phila Freedom could be Boy named sue, something a little more mainstream or country crossover like springsteen or Bon Jovi, or southern rock like skynard, allman bros.... On the lyric, I kind of get the feeling that it doesn't really go anywhere and tell a story. It seems more like a collage of memory pictures and after each picture I'm left holding the bag wondering whilst you move on... for instance, when your sister turned thirteen, did she have some really hot friends that you had a relationship with? Instead it moves on to a baseball game in the sandlot. For a film/tv listing, the lyrics may not be as important, and it might be a track that fits a scene. But the lacking a story line, I kind of just flow along with it with a kind of 'yeah I remember that, I remember that too, I remember that.... There doesn't seem to be a plot or action. Sorry to be so frank. (I hope someone does it to me next time....). I would say to continue your work on this as you have it to get something done for the catalog, but I think there is room for polish on this that would take from 'very good' to great.. to outstanding.ArkJack