Advice on a lullaby song please :)

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robbiejhancock
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Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by robbiejhancock » Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:54 am

Hello fellow members :)

This is my first attempt at a lullaby song. I am looking to submit it to the next lullaby listing that pops up so anyone with experience with lullaby forwards or just feedback in general would be appreciated on the mix or production. Thanks in advance! :)

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by MartyH » Mon Dec 09, 2013 2:45 am

It sounds good, Robbie. I feel like some of the lyrics are are a little forced.. I can't say that would necessarily be bad, because it draws attention and may make it more memorable. I could be more specific if you post the lyrics.

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by feaker66 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 5:26 am

Nice to meet you Marty

Purty little piece.

Your voice is nice but your timing is off just a little. Try and relax bud, you got it going:)

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by robbiejhancock » Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:10 am

Hey thanks for the feedback guys much appreciated :)

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by mobster85 » Mon Dec 09, 2013 3:20 pm

I can't comment because the track is not there send another link man

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by robbiejhancock » Mon Dec 09, 2013 6:19 pm


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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by MichaelAmoriello » Mon Dec 09, 2013 7:30 pm

Hey Robbie,

Good work. It's got a very peaceful vibe. I think the imagery, especially in the chorus, is very kid-friendly. I wonder if you considered adding an instrumental third verse (strings, harp, something mellow) so that you could do the chorus one more time (or simply repeat the chorus after a half-verse bridge).

One suggestion I have is for your phrasing in the second verse. I imagine that you wrote it this way:

Dream tonight
Won't you take a ride
On the lucky stars
That brought you to my life

But you sang it this way:

Dream tonight
Won't you take a ride on
The lucky stars
That brought you to my life

I think it might sound stronger if you emphasize the word "ride" instead of the word "on" (which is a preposition, not an action or image word). Treat "on" like a pickup at the beginning of the third line and it should sing easily enough.

My only other concern (which I'll qualify by saying that it's been awhile since my kids were that age, and it might be just me) is that your opening riff reminds me of something from the telletubbies TV show.

Grreat job & good luck,
ttfn,

Michael

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by mobster85 » Tue Dec 10, 2013 7:40 am

I really like this but I'm not sure that your voice fits this Justin opinion it's a little too rigid you need a lighter tone really could use a female voice in my opinion but love the melody and the concept nice job

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by robbiejhancock » Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:13 pm

Great advice all and thank you so much for your feedback! it really helps and this is exactly why I love the forum :) I agree that this will also work with a female voice and I will be doing that session soon as well but I have also received lots of feedback mostly from women that the male voice is also endearing with the delivery of this lyric and works for this song. This is certainly outside of the box for me but I enjoyed the process and strengthening my dynamic toolbox. As for the "Ride on" lyrics I have been toying around with that section with my co-writer and I will give the other way a try. Here are the listings I wrote the song for (initially for a commercial which is why it's only a 2 minute cue). One return and one still pending ...

ORIGINAL, CHILDREN'S LULLABIES are needed by the Creative Director at a highly respected Music Library with an incredible list of Film, TV, and Commercial placements. He's lookin' to put this search to bed, so lets send your very best sleepy time jams! ;-) Quoting the source: "I need simple lullabies that have a sweet, innocent, and endearing quality to them." Be sure your lyrics are simple and not too complicated or wordy. Vocal and instrumental performance must be delicate, soothing, and gentle. Male and female vocals are both okay. Broadcast Quality is needed (great sounding home recordings are fine). They offer an exclusive deal. You'll split all upfront sync fees 50/50, and you'll keep 100% of your Master and Writer's share. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD. All submissions will be screened on a Yes/No basis - No full critiques. Submissions must be received no later than Wednesday, November 20, 2013. TAXI #Y131120CL (This was a return with another male vocal that was not my own which I have since replaced with my own.) Here is the screener's feedback ...

"The listing specifies that vocal presentation needs to be top-notch, and the vocals here could be richer, rounder, warmer (especially in the verses). Nice work with the chorus!!! It's super cute!"

so I replaced the old vocal with what you have heard and then submitted to this listing ...

---------

The Owner of an incredibly well respected Children's Record Label needs ORIGINAL CHILDREN'S LULLABIES. This is the first listing he's running with TAXI in five years. He's looking for SONGS and ARTISTS that he can sign to his label! He wants to hear soft, gentle, soothing, and dreamy pieces that will instantly have the little ones drifting off to dreamland. This might be the first time we’ve said this, but it’s okay if your tracks put the listeners to sleep. ;-) The deadline for this is Tuesday, so you have a long weekend to hit the studio and whip up something great for this opportunity! Male, Female, and Duet vocal performances are ALL WELCOME! Remember this is a lullaby, so don't submit anything that's too harsh or intense. Down-to-Mid Tempo pieces will work best. Warm, acoustic-based instrumentation with simple, but well crafted arrangements will be right on target. He's looking for original, interesting, and unique versions of the classic Lullaby. Use your imagination, but don't go too far outside of the box. He's not looking for anything too strange, quirky, or weird. Your vocal and instrumental presentation must be top-notch and Record Label ready. Broadcast Quality is needed (excellent home recordings are fine). Lyric themes need to be sweet, innocent, nurturing, creative, and obviously G-Rated. Please, only submit Original Songs with vocals. Instrumentals are NOT needed at this time. You must own or control 100% of your Master and Composition rights to pitch for this opportunity. Do not submit any material with unauthorized samples of any other artists or songs. The overall deal points for this will be negotiated directly with the Label on a song-by-song, artist-by-artist basis. Each deal may be slightly different depending on the scope of use. All songs will be screened on a Yes/No basis with no full critiques. Please submit one to three songs online or per CD no later than Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013, by 11am (PDT). TAXI #U130903CH (This one is still pending with the track you heard after replacing the vocal)

Thanks again guys! Anyone with experience with lullaby forwards I would really appreciate your words and maybe some samples of those songs :) Happy writing everyone! Cheers!

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Re: Advice on a lullaby song please :)

Post by funsongs » Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:27 pm

fwiw:
'Like the composition, and it does have the tender quality one might expect in a lullaby; "music box"-ish, even.
Agree with the comments and idea that a soft, female vocal rendering might work better; or, at least as well.
Seems it couldn't hurt to have two versions of it for comparison sake.
Nicely done. Good luck with it.
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