Advice please for "Coffee Shop In Heaven "

[songmaster]

I am considering having a demo made of this song. It is a country song. Any advice would be appreciated.

Coffee Shop In Heaven

I hope there's a coffee shop in Heaven
Cause I need to sit down with my Dad
I'll tell him just how much I love him
Never told him when I had the chance

We were driving home one night from Grandpas
Most of the time we hardly talked
Guess I didn't notice he seemed different
As we approached that coffee shop

He said, how bout we stop here for a little while
But I saw some friends of mine inside
I lied and said I wasn't feeling well
Cause it wasn't cool to have your old man be your ride
So we just drove on by

Chorus
If I could go back to that one night
I'd tell that kid to swallow his pride
I'd hold the door so Dad could walk in
We'd spend a couple hours talkin
Even now I can just imagine
Me and him might end up laughin
If there's a coffee shop in Heaven
I hope I find him sitting there.

A few months later Daddy passed away
And it was just my Mom and me
His old work boots sat there in the hall
Right next to where he hung his keys

Mom said...I know you miss him and it's gonna hurt
It's best you don't keep it inside
I 'm glad that you both had a chance to talk
When he broke the news to Grandpa on that night
That he'd run out of time

Chorus

Bridge
And we will pass the time away
Like it was always meant to be
Where forever is a day
That might be long enough
For Dad and me

Chorus....I hope I find us sitting there.

[DonnaMarilyn]

What a lovely, poignant story – made doubly poignant in V5.
The singer’s grief and regret are tangible.

To maximise the emotional impact, however, you may want to rearrange the structure. All of the elements are present – they simply need to be combined a little differently.

I’d suggest VV/C/VV/C/B/C.

Three verses before the chorus is a long time to keep listeners waiting for the pay-off.

I suggest having the title/hook in the chorus at least twice.
At the moment, it’s lost in the second-last line.

Keep your verses the same length, and try to match the metering in each line with corresponding lines in the other verses. This will make it easier to have a strong, catchy melody.

You might consider making V1 part of the (rearranged) chorus.

Dropping a few words here and there would also help to tighten up the lyric.
I’ve made a few suggestions below. Explore or ignore.

Donna

Coffee Shop In Heaven

V1 Maybe drop this verse. Elements of it could be part of a (rearranged) chorus.
I hope there's a coffee shop in Heaven
Cause I need to sit down with my Dad Suggest dropping 'Cause'.
I'll tell him just how much I love him Suggest dropping 'just'. It's a filler word.
Never told him when I had the chance This gives the plot away.

V2 Suggest making this your first verse.
We were driving home one night from Grandpas The line sounds rushed. Maybe drop "one night". Or "Driving home one night from Grandpa's".
Most of the time we hardly talked
Guess I didn't notice he seemed different Suggest dropping "guess", as it's clear the singer didn't notice.
As we approached that coffee shop

V3 Keep the number of lines in a verse consistent.
He said, how bout we stop here for a little while Suggest dropping "little" for a smoother flow.
But I saw some friends of mine inside
I lied and said I wasn't feeling well
Cause it wasn't cool to have your old man be your ride
So we just drove on by

Chorus
If I could go back to that one night
I'd tell that kid to swallow his pride I don't think this line is necessary, as the next line implies this is what happens.
I'd hold the door so Dad could walk in
We'd spend a couple hours talkin
Even now I can just imagine Suggest dropping "just". It weakens the line.
Me and him might end up laughin Suggest "He and I". The ungrammatical vernacular "me and him" sounds - at least to me - odd because the vernacular isn't used elsewhere in the lyric. Suggest "would" rather than "might".
If there's a coffee shop in Heaven
I hope I find him sitting there.

V4
A few months later Daddy passed away Smoother would be "Daddy died" plus you get alliteration.
And it was just my Mom and me You use 'me' in the bridge. Maybe rethink lines 2 & 4. Something like, for example, "Leaving Mom and me alone" - which could rhyme with a change in line 4: "With his keys still by the phone". Anyway, only a thought. )
His old work boots sat there in the hall
Right next to where he hung his keys

V5
Mom said...I know you miss him and it's gonna hurt
It's best you don't keep it inside
I 'm glad that you both had a chance to talk Suggest dropping "that". It's a filler word here, and breaks the flow. Also, it avoids having the same word twice in one section.
When he broke the news to Grandpa on that night Suggest dropping "on".
That he'd run out of time

Chorus

Bridge Lines 1-3 could be stronger to match lines 4 & 5.
And we will pass the time away
Like it was always meant to be
Where forever is a day
That might be long enough I love these last two lines.
For Dad and me

Maybe simply something like (rough example only):

We'll sit and talk forever
Like it was meant to be
That might be long enough
For Dad and me

Chorus....I hope I find us sitting there.[/quote]

[songmaster]

Hi Donna Thank you so much for the advice . A lot of the suggestions make a lot of sense. In order to use v2 as v1 I will have to make it clear who the "We" are, so that people know it's the boy and his Dad. I can probably do this in line 2 of v2...but Dad and I we hardly talked. I agree that I should get to the chorus a lot faster. The reason I don't use the line " Coffee Shop twice in the chorus is because I find it an awkward and hard set of words to sing. Also the tempo changes to a bit more of a driving beat. I guess because I know what the melody is, it is harder for you to know what I'm talking about. I am always worried that people will not understand the song so I probably put too much information in it, but obviously you get it. By the way, a lot of this story is true and so it was easy to write from memory ( it beats making stuff up ).

Well thank you again and it looks like it's time for a re-write. Have a great Christmas!

[wen]

awesome feedback. good luck with the song, i love the ending, could be very emotional and strike a chord with a lot of people.

[songmaster]

Hi Wen Yes, I think that the ending is where the emotional impact really kicks in. I think people can relate to missing an opportunity to spend time with someone,especially when that time is gone. Now, if I can just get Tim Mcgraw to sing it! We can dream can't we ?

[inga]

Hope there's a coffee shop in heaven
Cos I need to sit down with my dad
And tell him just how much I love him
Never told him when I had the chance


( By the way your father may have felt that way about his own dad. Perhaps every generation realises too late they didnt tell their parents how much they loved them. But dads are older and wiser than the kids and perhaps he didnt need to be told. He knew already. Many things repeat themselves with every new generation and that generation thinks its the first time its ever happened. )

[songmaster]

Hi Inga Thank you for the reassuring words. It's funny how small moments in time can stick in your head forever. At the time, they don't seem so important but looking back it seems like a cross-road. I'm sure every generation goes through the same thing. Someone once said that life is like a tapestry , on the bottom it's all ugly threads hanging every where with no rhyme or reason, but turn it over and it makes perfect sense. We can only try.