Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Want your lyics reviewed? Post 'em up!

Moderators: admin, mdc, TAXIstaff

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Sun Feb 21, 2016 12:20 pm

This is a piano-based pop ballad I'm working on; think Coldplay, 5 For Fighting, etc.

___
Chameleon

Don't open your heart
Put on a show
And I will try to believe you
Just wish it away
Turn a blind eye
And let the moment deceive you

Tread alone the seas
Drown in the lie
Tell yourself anything to get by
Bury your head
Erase the scars
Or stand up until you see
Who you are

Oh, goodbye chameleon
Changing your colors beneath the sun
Oh, misery in disguise
Hiding your pain right before my eyes
Oh, loosen those chains and breathe
Chameleon
Come out of the dark
Sometimes it's okay to bleed
___

And then of course there would be another verse and a repeat of the chorus. But is it working so far? Because the music is already written, I'm less concerned with the number of syllables per line (trust me, they work with the music) and more concerned with a) Is it focused or too schizophrenic? b) Is the chameleon metaphor working and effective? and c) Should I eat the last piece of pie in the fridge?

Okay but seriously, there is no c) because the pie is already gone. So how about a) and b)? Thanks!

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Thu May 12, 2016 11:18 am

Ha, thanks, but I've gone through about four rewrites since I posted that. :D I dropped the chameleon angle; it just wasn't working for me. So right now I've got:

You put on a show
Tell me you're fine
It's getting hard to believe you
You bury your head
Turn a blind eye
Let your emotions deceive you

You could let the hurt out
Let my love in
Open your heart to me now and then
Don't drown in the pain
Don't cover the scars
Just stand up and let me see
Who you are

I'll always be there for you
Any time day or night that you want me to
I'll come for you when you call
And pick you up if you ever fall
I promise you I will be
The one you need
I'd give you the world
But all I can give is me


And then I'll write a second verse and bridge soon. Thanks for reading, though!

NaeDae
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 225
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:01 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by NaeDae » Thu May 12, 2016 7:00 pm

Turn a blind eye
Let your emotions deceive you

--

Lyrics like this are poetic and I like the poetry, but it's not "to the point" enough for a pop-listener to 'get' the first time hearing it (which is important if you're writing pop). Other than that, most of the lyrics are solid.

Just try to write lyrics like you'd say them to someone in the heat of a moment.

And I'd also suggest adding the mention of chameleon in there somewhere; it's novel enough to make a good hook. Maybe just add "you're a chameleon" at the end of the chorus somewhere. Idk though I haven't heard the song, but just saying that was the only thing I remembered about the lyrics.

I'd like to hear the song if you have a rough of it.

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Thu May 12, 2016 10:13 pm

That's a good idea; maybe I can use parts of the original chorus (including the chameleon bit) in the new bridge or something. Thanks!

megeath
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 152
Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2016 9:39 am
Gender: Female
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by megeath » Fri May 13, 2016 6:56 am

Hullo, I like the the way you handle your words!

What's the actual hook now after the rewrites?
Megeath (meg-AY-eth)
Songwriter/Composer/Indie Artist
http://www.megeathsmusic.com


'Success is a Journey, not a Destination'

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Fri May 13, 2016 1:36 pm

Thanks! Right now I'm leaning toward it being called "All I Can Give", because I like the sound of it, and because it's the last line of the chorus (I'm planning on having the first half of each chorus be different).

adessell
Active
Active
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2015 11:50 pm
Gender: Male
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by adessell » Wed Sep 07, 2016 9:57 pm

Sounds a bit to Shakespearean to me. I would turn those metaphors into just normal everyday conversation and tell me what's going on. Hoestly metaphors can become messy quick. Because you lose the listener. This modern day and age better just to say things the way you would tell it someone

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Wed Sep 07, 2016 10:27 pm

Ha, thanks, but I think you read the first post in this thread and commented on that. I've rewritten it about a dozen times, haha, and I don't think I ever put the newest version on here. I've got pretty much everything except the bridge now, and I've changed the language to be more modern, fewer metaphors, etc. Here's the current version:

Verse:
You put on a show
Tell me you're fine
It's getting hard to believe you
You bury your head
Turn a blind eye
Let your emotions deceive you

You could let the hurt out
Let my love in
Open your heart to me now and then
Don't drown in the pain
Don't cover the scars
Just stand up and let me see
Who you are

Chorus:
I'll always be there for you
Any time day or night that you want me to
I'll come for you when you call
And pick you up if you ever fall
I promise you I will be
The one you need
I'd give you the world
But all I can give is me

Verse:
You wish it away
Wait for a change
Smile through all of your sorrow
You wander through life
Trapped in a haze
Trading today for tomorrow

You don't have to pretend
Live out the lie
Or dream up a perfect world to get by
I'll be right here
Come take my hand
And follow me until you
Understand

Chorus:
I'll shelter you from the storm
When your world gets cold I will keep you warm
I'll guide you home when you're lost
And point you north when your stars are crossed
I promise you I will be
The one you need
I'd give you the world
But all I can give is me

User avatar
Kolstad
Serious Musician
Serious Musician
Posts: 4428
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 7:19 pm
Gender: Male
Location: Denmark
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by Kolstad » Wed Sep 07, 2016 11:54 pm

I liked your first draft above. It would suit the references well, imo.
Your references are indie rock bands, that doesnt have to comply as much with the “rules“ of songwriting. Its about what their fan base likes, and yours is spot on, imo.

The chameleon metaphor works well, and it creates an open ended lyric (which is good for these references), but in your edits you seem to be drawn to closing it down, and “button“ it with a explicit payoff line. That makes it sound more contrieved, controlled and closed in terms of what you can read into it as a fan of these artists, imo.

So, imo, you need to resist straying from the chameleon idea (thats what works here), and keep some pockets that is open for interpretation. If not, you are ped with the managerialist idea of controlling what can be read into the lyric, and that might please the writer police, but will also keep you from talking to the fans of these artists, imo.

This relates to what your target is for this. If you have to pitch it to an artist, you have no option to please the writer police, but if you are recording the song yourself or work with an artist or singer, you can follow your heart more candidly. What counts in indie rock is the performance, which also contributes to give meaning to the words, which is why a heartfelt lyric that works well with the music mostly is better than a trimmed and coherent lyric that pleases the reader. But with these references, they write their own music, so it needs to sound like they did..

For other genres, other things apply.

Stick to the heart, not the logic. Its a difficult path, but worth it, imo.

Justmyinflatedcents

DooWahDiddy
Impressive
Impressive
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:12 am
Gender: Male
Location: New York, NY
Contact:

Re: Am I on the right track with this lyric so far?

Post by DooWahDiddy » Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:14 am

No, I hear ya, I hear ya. The other posters here and the people I've played the song for live both say they like the chameleon approach, so it might be worth keeping. Maybe I can combine the two versions, to make it less obtuse but still keep the chameleon angle. Like this:

You put on a show
Tell me you're fine
Smile through all of your sorrow
You bury your head
Turn a blind eye
[something something tomorrow]

You could let the hurt out
Let my love in
Open your heart to me now and then
Don't drown in the pain
Don't cover the scars
Just stand up and let me see
Who you are

Oh, hello chameleon
Changing your colors beneath the sun
Oh, misery in disguise
Hiding your pain right before my eyes
Oh, [something something]
Chameleon
[something something]
[something that rhymes with chameleon]

This is obviously a quick revision, as evidenced by all the missing lyrics, haha, but my point is that I think there's a way to have the best of both worlds, in making the story clearer but also keeping the metaphor. Thoughts on that?

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest