Another Blue D-a-y

[Casey H]

I usually don't post lyrics only but I haven't had a chance to record this yet. It's going to be for the acoustic singer-songwriter listing, primarily a la Elliott Smith.Any thoughts on these lyrics? Cohesiveness? Storyline? Depth? General sucketh-ness?("D-a-y" with hyphens ("day") is only to prevent Google on title.)Appreciate any comments... Deadline is approaching!Thanks Casey[Updated lyrics further down the thread]Another Blue D-a-y © Charles P. H*rowitz Verse 1Haven’t slept for a month nowMy eyes don’t wanna closeI see you lying next to meAs if it were realityI know I should be movin’ onI’m not getting very farChorusOh another blue d-a-yOh it’s a blue d-a-yWith a heart in recoveryA brain stuck on a memory So I pass the timeOn this blue d-a-yVerse 2To err is humanForgiveness is divineBut after all my big mistakesWhy would I expect a saintAnd so you answer on the phoneYou’re busy and you have to goChorusBridgeWhen you needed meI was somewhere elseOnly a fool wouldn’t seeJust how you feltInstrumentalVerse 3Fake it till I make itThat’s what people say If I take it very slowReal will imitate the show And when I step down from the stageThe color of the day will changeChorus

[ontariolightning]

hey there CaseyYou need to post more lyrics!Now I was expecting to hear a rhyme for close right after realityJust sounds better in my opinion but you'd have to add another lineand I don't know if you have a melody alreadyI'd like to know how you're passing time if you're not sleepinglike are you building lego houses, playing with dominoes LOL\Doing puzzles etcI mean hes barely slept in a month, whats he doing?for verse two I think it'd be better if she didn't pick up the phoneor he didn't call her at all, but that'd be just meyour bridge is nice, wouldnt change thati understand the fake it til you make itsurely we've all had to do that at some pointthe show stage thing i think doesn't fit therethats not what it was about at the startyour last lines perfect end to itjust don't know about the two before itjust my opinion anywayhope I helped a bithave a good day!

[Casey H]

Thanks Aaron... excellent points... Casey

[Casey H]

Is this update better?Another Blue D-a-y © Charles P. H*rowitz Verse 1Haven’t slept for a month nowMy eyes don’t wanna closeI see you lying next to meAs if it were realityI know I should be movin’ onI’m not very far alongChorusOh another blue d-a-yOh it’s a blue d-a-yWith my heart in recoveryMy brain stuck on a memory Time moves slowly by On a blue d-a-yVerse 2To err is humanForgiveness is divineBut after all my big mistakesWhy would/should I expect a saintNo answer on the telephoneI think you’re home but not aloneChorusBridge When you needed meI was somewhere elseOnly a fool wouldn’t seeJust how you feltInstrumentalVerse 3Take it one day at a timeThat’s what people sayEvery day I try againPut on the smile and pretendSomeday I’ll get over you Till then everything looks blue Casey

[lyricboy]

Casey,I like it. Nice lyrics.My 2 cents comes in similar to Ontario's. I'm kind of a fan of more strict structure, though, so take it for what it's worth (a NEWBIE, too, on top of that )A possibility if you wanted to adjust that CLOSE rhyme on line 2 could be something like:No sleep for three weeks in a rowMy eyes don't wanna closeand verse 2:I'm human, to err is mine(But) Forgiveness is divineand verse 3:Just get through one more day (or Just try to get through today ... though that "try" would compete with the "try" in line 3)That's what people sayAnd, for some reason, in that last verse:Put the smile on and pretend seems easier to sing and rolls betterPut on the smile and pretendBut that could just be in my head.Looking forward to hearing your song. I'm curious how you sound out your d-a-y. It sounds great on paper.Don't forget to ignore anything that doesn't fit with your vision (or ear). I'm still an armchair quarterback.lyricboy

[Casey H]

Thanks, lyricboy... The hypens in "d-a-y" are not how the word is sung. I often put funky characters in my name and song titles so that they don't come up as easily on Google searches...It's just "day"...

[ontariolightning]

Hey!The way it is you still have one set of rhyme in first verseand two sets of rhyme for the 2nd and 3rd, that could be a problemI was thinking for the last line, something likeI know I should be movin' onAnd here comes the dawnAnd then it leads into your chorusOh another blue dayI think that way it leads into the chorusFor verse two I'd chooseWhy should I expect a saintI don't think your last line in verse two leads to the chorusIt is better thoughVerse 3 is improved very muchI hope all of this helps!

[Casey H]

Jan 13, 2009, 4:42pm, ontariolightning wrote:Hey!The way it is you still have one set of rhyme in first verseand two sets of rhyme for the 2nd and 3rd, that could be a problemI was thinking for the last line, something likeI know I should be movin' onAnd here comes the dawnAnd then it leads into your chorusOh another blue dayI think that way it leads into the chorusFor verse two I'd chooseWhy should I expect a saintI don't think your last line in verse two leads to the chorusIt is better thoughVerse 3 is improved very muchI hope all of this helps!Thanks again!I'm considering the last 2 lines of V1 as rhymes, even though a stretch on "imperfect"... So I think all the verses match that way....I know I should be movin’ onI’m not very far along(i did make a minor edit... the last line ended in "far" before)Yes, it all helps! Casey

[momof4]

i agree with Ontario with pretty much everything he said, and i'll especially camp on the "very far along" line because it seems unclear to me. but otherwise, i think this is good! oh, i was a little confused by the bridge, just because it kind of introduces a whole other storyline, which might be distracting. just my opinion, of course, but maybe instead you could say something about "i didn't realize how great it was having you until you were gone" instead of alluding to you being off somewhere else? just a thought. nice job, though!

[Casey H]

Thanks Mom!(Why does that sound funny, LOL?) Appreciate your time and input!! The country writers out there are the best lyric critiquers... you have to be to survive!Thanks Casey