Are these Universal

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PaulBergren
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Are these Universal

Post by PaulBergren » Mon May 19, 2014 8:23 am

Hello,

I got a return for this listing: Y140415SS. ACOUSTIC-BASED, CONTEMPORARY SINGER/SONGWRITER BALLADS are needed by a growing Music Licensing Company that's in catalog building mode. They want emotionally moving Songs that could be found on the same playlist as artists like Andrew Belle, Meiko, A Fine Frenzy, etc. Male and Female vocals are both welcome. Your Songs need to have an honest, sincere quality, with vocals that speak directly to the heart of the person listening. Give them the type of Song that could work amazingly for an emotional Featured Placement. Your hooks, melodies, and chorus need to be engaging and immediately memorable. This is a Film and TV pitch, so please make sure your lyrics are universal, and could work well for a variety of scenes and storylines. Please avoid specific names, places, dates, times, brands, etc. The screener's comment was "Beautiful song Paul, and beautiful vocals. However the lyrics are not universal, the blanket and under the trees put a visual into the song that will make it hard to sync." I have no problem with rewriting those lyrics, but was just curious if others agreed with the screener's comments. Below are the lyrics in full, plus a link to the recording. Thanks.

https://soundcloud.com/paulbergrenmusic/i-will-let-go-1

VERSE
The snowflakes kissed your cheeks.
And melted in your hair.
I brought out a blanket
Hoping we could share.
We fought the cold
And danced beneath the trees.
You said, "Take me somewhere warm."
I agreed

CHORUS
I will let go. If you promise to stay.
I will let go. If you don't run away.
I will let go. If you stick by my side.
I will let go. If you don't say good bye.

VERSE 2
The stairs don't make a sound
When I sneak down the morning.
You're stunning in the sunlight
I don't give up any warning.
I ease up from behind
Taking in the sight.
Until I can't take it no more
And grab you so tight

CHORUS

BRIDGE
We are trapped inside
By the snow piled high
The fire has waned
But the coals remain
We have all we need 'til we die

CHORUS

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DanLuedke
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Re: Are these Universal

Post by DanLuedke » Mon May 19, 2014 9:15 am

Hey, Paul! Great song! I love the vocals and the guitar sounds after the first chorus and 2nd verse in particular.

The chorus is very universal (and sung very well), but I have to agree with the screener that the first verse is not universal. It could be argued that the first verse can be interpreted metaphorically like she was going through hard times and he saved her which would be more universal, but the visual imagery of the first verse is still very specific. I hope this helps. You definitely have a good song.
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Re: Are these Universal

Post by Kolstad » Mon May 19, 2014 10:23 am

I agree with Dan, the chorus is universal, and the song is well done overall.

Both verses are packed with physical detail, though, and even if you use it metaphorically, it stands in contrast to story and pictures.
So, for universal, maybe rewrite some of it to emotional detail, so it's more balanced.

It's the big trick of writing songscores for tv&film. Physical detail basically limits the uses, so if you have too much of it, it risk hurting the songs potential for placements.

Robin Fredrick has a thorough explanation of that in her book on writing for tv/film.

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Re: Are these Universal

Post by Robtoons » Mon May 19, 2014 11:13 am

Gottta agree with Dan and Mag on this.
The verses are action statements (I did this, we did that, you did something else)
So it's kind of like a story song, which is probably not good for film/tv.
Nice tune though!
Cheers! Rob

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PaulBergren
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Re: Are these Universal

Post by PaulBergren » Mon May 19, 2014 11:23 am

Thanks everyone. I guess I figured if stayed away from specific names, places, etc. I was good. Now I know better. I will check out the chapter in Robyn's book too. Thanks for the advice.

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Re: Are these Universal

Post by johnlewitt » Mon May 19, 2014 12:19 pm

Yeah, the first verse sets the scene too well to be universal!

IMO, the second verse isn't too specific, but that's just my interpretation.

BTW, I like the repeat that starts at 3:19.

Jon

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PaulBergren
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Re: Are these Universal

Post by PaulBergren » Mon May 19, 2014 6:38 pm

Thanks John. I think the screener agreed with you. He/she seemed to only have issue with the first verse. I will tweak it for film/tv submissions.

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Re: Are these Universal

Post by uncbilly » Mon May 19, 2014 6:54 pm

Yeah, from a TV/Film point of view, even the very first line, the word "snowflakes" is a deal-breaker.
great song though!
I'm finding out that all of my songs are full of deal-breakers like this.

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Re: Are these Universal

Post by AmandaJane » Tue May 20, 2014 3:21 pm

Hi Paul :)

I'm afraid I agree with your screener also :cry: And personally, if you want to be on the safe side and make a beautiful song really universal, then there are a fair few parts to switch around to universal/emotional rather than specific things.

Verse 1
Snowflakes, blanket and under trees (although I'd be less worried about the trees)

Verse 2
Sneaking up/down stairs
You look stunning in the sunlight (maybe)
Actually grabbing tight

Bridge
The fire
The snow piled high
Indoors

All the non universal elements can fairly easily be changed into emotions, rather than physical things.
For example, "Your stunning in the sunlight", could be something like "I'll love you in the mornings, With your hair as molten sunlight" or some such thing... :? (sorry that was fast off the top of my head)

Sláinte, Amanda

ps would love to do something together sometime maybe :P
Sláinte, Amanda



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Re: Are these Universal

Post by singer1 » Wed May 21, 2014 9:09 am

I agree with the others on the verses. The choruses are perfect, but for T.V., it can't paint ANY picture. The idea behind music on media is that the song or music, help create the emotional impact of the scene. (Like we need to be told when to laugh or cry..)
It would be more about how you feel, than the description of her. That way the piece of music can be used in more than a scene of 2 people in love. Work on the result of her being there, rather her just being there. Do you feel jumpy and happy inside? Do you feel like shouting it out?
Again, the cheek line creates only a visual of her being in front of you. Some of this I had to learn the hard way. Phil Gates was completely indispensable in this area. (previous head-screener). Peace, D.B.M.

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