Beat the Rain (Country with Traditional Roots)

[mikeShort]

Here's a new one. I'd like to know what you think.

As you consider the verses, think of each syllable landing on a primary beat: You are sweet ness you are can dy I can't get e nough

The first two couplets in each verse go that way, then the music gets more "conversational" and the rhythm fits the words (with a rest after "something"). The chorus is pretty conventional. With that in mind ... thanks in advance for any comments and suggestions you may have.

Beat the Rain
by Michael B. Short © 2012

You are sweetness you are candy
I can't get enough
But there's a center oh so bitter
Why are you so tough
Is it something I did or I didn't
Something that I said

Chorus
Your temper's glowing once again
I see the clouds a-buildin'
See the lightnin' flashin'
I will be going once again
Gotta beat the rain

I can't help but feel attraction
A magnet to a nail
But get too near and feel repulsion
Too close and I fail
Is there something I should or I shouldn't
Something that you need

Chorus

Bridge
So much to
Admire
Misstep and
Feel the fire
I reach for
Your sunshine
But I won't stand in the middle of your storm

Chorus

So much pleasure so much wonder
Could drive me insane
Too much lightnin' too much thunder
To go through that again
Is it something I was or I wasn't
Something I can't be

Chorus

[simonsays]

Hi Mike,
I'll give it a go ... I have some time free.
Steve

Here's a new one. I'd like to know what you think.

As you consider the verses, think of each syllable landing on a primary beat: You are sweet ness you are can dy I can't get e nough

The first two couplets in each verse go that way, then the music gets more "conversational" and the rhythm fits the words (with a rest after "something"). The chorus is pretty conventional. With that in mind ... thanks in advance for any comments and suggestions you may have.

Beat the Rain

[I like the title. It's fairly short, easy to remember ... and intriguing.]

by Michael B. Short © 2012

You are sweetness you are candy
I can't get enough
But there's a center oh so bitter
Why are you so tough
Is it something I did or I didn't
Something that I said [This line seems to modify the above line. However, it only seems to relate to the 'did" part. If that was not your intention, then I would suggest something like 'or" or "or maybe" for the first part of the last line.]

Chorus
Your temper's glowing once again
I see the clouds a-buildin'
See the lightnin' flashin'
I will be going once again
Gotta beat the rain [A little repetition about 'the rain' wouldn't hurt here IMO. (ie, hammering home the title)]

I can't help but feel (your?) attraction
(like?) A magnet to a nail
But (I) get too near and (I) feel repulsion [who's approaching who here? Who's feeling repulsed? It's a bit ambiguous here for me, due I believe to it's brevity.]
Too close (to you?) and I fail
Is there something I should or I shouldn't
Something that you need [Same suggestion here as in the 1st verse]

[Mike, the verse above didn't feel very conversational to me. It seemed a little clipped/short.]

Bridge
So much to
Admire
(but one?) Misstep and [Without a 'but' or 'except' this seems like what he admires.]
(i?) Feel the fire
I (reach)(wait?) for [another word choice other than 'reach' that plays off the 'stand' in the next line might work better here]
Your sunshine
But I won't stand (in the middle of)(for?) your storm [I liked the assonance here with "your storm", but the middle of the sentence feels a little 'wordy' to me. That, and I had a picture of a hurricane in my mind when I read 'storm' ... and the eye (middle) of a hurricane is calm, not stormy.]

Chorus

So much pleasure so much wonder
Could drive me insane
Too much (lightnin' too much thunder) [Is this a negative, like 'pain'?]
To go through that again
Is it something I was or I wasn't
Something I can't be [Same suggestion here as in the 1st verse.](I like how you changed up each verse; "did or didn't, should nor shouldn't, and was or wasn't)

Chorus

[mikeShort]

I love the idea of doubling the title. I'm going to do that (and it's easily supported by the music.

I don't think the tag lines in the verse are confusing. The fact that you seem to worries me, though. I think the "Is it" is implied when the line is repeated in the first and third verse (and "is there" in the second verse). Perhaps the music reinforces that (I have the advantage of knowing what it sounds like).

I've reworked the second verse a little for clarity. I'm not looking for straight conversational tone here; this is very beat-oriented (and I've managed to write it with only one pick-up syllable). This contrasts with the chorus, which is very conversational. I usually write things the other way around, but this is what I was shooting for here.

I'm drawn in by your attraction
A magnet to a nail
I get near and feel repulsion
Too close and I fail
Is there something I should or I shouldn't
Something that you need

In the third verse, I'm trying to show why the singer keeps coming back, and keeps leaving again, by contrasting the wonder with the thunder, so yes, it's supposed to be negative.

On the bridge, I agree with you that it's too sparse, so I've added a pick up to make the contrast clearer. I like the idea of setting up the standing in the storm with a word that fits, but "wait" is too passive, so I went with "walk" instead. As for the last line ... musically, there are pauses after each line, then essentially this cascade into the guitar break with that last line. So it feels like tension building with these broken little lines, then everything lets loose. Again, I think I have you at an advantage knowing what the music sounds like! Each of the short lines starts on 2, so they go rest-2-3-4, and except for the pick-up words ("but one") are quarter notes. The last line starts on 1.5 and the first four notes are eighth notes, then the rest of the line flows conversationally. Again, the contrast between almost martial lines and conversational as the "discipline" breaks down and the storms starts.

Bridge
So much to
Admire
But one misstep and
Feel the fire
I walk in
Your sunshine
But I won't stand in the middle of your storm

Thanks for your comments. I waited two weeks to see if someone else would jump in, but no, so I thought I'd explain what I was trying to do, and incorporate a lot of your ideas.

[simonsays]

I love the idea of doubling the title. I'm going to do that (and it's easily supported by the music.

I don't think the tag lines in the verse are confusing. The fact that you seem to worries me, though. I think the "Is it" is implied when the line is repeated in the first and third verse (and "is there" in the second verse). Perhaps the music reinforces that (I have the advantage of knowing what it sounds like).

Mike, I guess I wasn't clear in what I was getting at. (although, since no one else has commented on it ... it might just be me that had a problem with it ) The repeat of "something" in the line that followed, lead me to believe it was referring to the line above it. (especially since there was no 'or' or 'except' preceding that last 'something'.) With another 'or' added those two lines in each verse would read more like -- 1st line: "is it me". 2nd line: "or is it you?"

I've reworked the second verse a little for clarity. I'm not looking for straight conversational tone here; this is very beat-oriented (and I've managed to write it with only one pick-up syllable). This contrasts with the chorus, which is very conversational. I usually write things the other way around, but this is what I was shooting for here.

I'm drawn in by your attraction
A magnet to a nail
I get near and feel repulsion
Too close and I fail
Is there something I should or I shouldn't
Something that you need

I like the revision a lot. I think the added pronouns make it much clearer .

In the third verse, I'm trying to show why the singer keeps coming back, and keeps leaving again, by contrasting the wonder with the thunder, so yes, it's supposed to be negative.

Why that stood out for me there is I consider thunder and lightning to be exciting things ... not negatives.

On the bridge, I agree with you that it's too sparse, so I've added a pick up to make the contrast clearer. I like the idea of setting up the standing in the storm with a word that fits, but "wait" is too passive, so I went with "walk" instead.

'walk' should work well. Good choice. And the active case is clearly a better alternative IMO.

As for the last line ... musically, there are pauses after each line, then essentially this cascade into the guitar break with that last line. So it feels like tension building with these broken little lines, then everything lets loose. Again, I think I have you at an advantage knowing what the music sounds like!

That, and I'm not a musician and you are. That helps, I'm sure.

Each of the short lines starts on 2, so they go rest-2-3-4, and except for the pick-up words ("but one") are quarter notes. The last line starts on 1.5 and the first four notes are eighth notes, then the rest of the line flows conversationally. Again, the contrast between almost martial lines and conversational as the "discipline" breaks down and the storms starts.

I would love to hear this when you finish with it.

Bridge
So much to
Admire
But one misstep and
Feel the fire
I walk in
Your sunshine
But I won't stand in the middle of your storm

Thanks for your comments. I waited two weeks to see if someone else would jump in, but no, so I thought I'd explain what I was trying to do, and incorporate a lot of your ideas.

Mike, I'm glad I was of some help.
Before I forget, I was going to suggest the substitution of (might) for (could) ... but I would need to backtrack to find out where. I do remember that there would be alliteration with (much) and assonance with (Lightning) though.

Steve

[mikeShort]

"So much pleasure so much wonder
Could drive me insane"

Might works very well here. Thanks!

I agree that Thunder and Lightning are exciting, but from the chorus, I think it's pretty clear that in this case the "singee's" Thunder and Lightning are over the top, and too much for the singer.