Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

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jackzerby
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Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by jackzerby » Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:01 pm

Hey guys, im new to the forums. I thought I'd start by posting the lyrics to one the songs i'm currently working on. I would love any feedback on the individual wording, im not 100% there yet, but I feel like I have a storyline...Verse 1:Nine months of waitingwatchin her belly swellWhat your mother went throughis something only she can tellFrom morning sicknessand sleepless nightseatin snacks under refrigerator lightsPre-chorus:The house was filled with gifts and cardsand clothes you hadn't worn...Chorus:Before you were bornBefore you were bornVerse 2:You weren't much biggerthan a small red kidney beanWhen the nurse first showed us your faceon a blurry black and white screenAnticipation, never set our minds at easeI knew the wait was over when Mom said "grab the keys"Pre-chorus:Ninety miles an hour in our Honda Accordwith my hand held on the horn...Chorus:Before you were bornBefore you were bornBridge:Your Mom and me used to bea whole lot hipper than what you seeGoing out all night with friendssleepin in on every weekendTheir came a time when we realizedthere was something big missin in our livesSo we asked God what to doand he brought us to youWe traded in lives that we hadand changed our names to Mom and DadOutro:We formed a bond that never can be torn...Chorus: (only once)Before you were born

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Casey H
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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by Casey H » Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:16 pm

Jan 12, 2009, 7:01pm, jackzerby wrote:Hey guys, im new to the forums. I thought I'd start by posting the lyrics to one the songs i'm currently working on. I would love any feedback on the individual wording, im not 100% there yet, but I feel like I have a storyline...Verse 1:Nine months of waitingwatchin her belly swellWhat your mother went throughis something only she can tellFrom morning sicknessand sleepless nightseatin snacks under refrigerator lightsPre-chorus:The house was filled with gifts and cardsand clothes you hadn't worn...Before you were bornBefore you were bornVerse 2:You weren't much biggerthan a small red kidney beanWhen the nurse first showed us your faceon a blurry black and white screenAnticipation, never set our minds at easeI knew the wait was over when Mom said "grab the keys"Pre-chorus:Ninety miles an hour in our Honda Accordwith my hand held on the horn...Before you were bornBefore you were bornBridge:Your Mom and me used to bea whole lot hipper than what you seeGoing out all night with friendssleepin in on every weekendTheir came a time when we realizedthere was something big missin in our livesSo we asked God what to doand he brought us to youWe traded in lives that we hadand changed our names to Mom and DadOutro:We formed a bond that never can be torn...Before you were bornJackWelcome! Good lyrics and storyline. I assume this would be for country music... I can't imagine it in any other genre. I'm not the best at country-- I can usaully only point out things that don't work for me, for better or for worse...In "eatin snacks under refrigerator lights", "under" bothers me... Maybe "by refrigerator lights"?In Verse 2, I might reverse the parts about the nurse and the screen with the kidney bean size thing so that it's clear when you sing the kidney bean line, you are talking about the picture. It might work OK as is when sung, but when I first read that he/she was that size, I had a "huh?"... I'm confused because you have sections labeled "pre-chorus" but none as "chorus". Is "Before you were born" (2x) the chorus?Nice to "meet" you... Casey

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by jackzerby » Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:40 pm

Thanks Casey!Yea "by" works much better, appreciate that comment. I need another syllabe though, so I was gonna use "by the"Is "eatin" bothering you? I was going to say midnight snacks, but I already said "sleepless nights", so it wouldnt sound right. I tried "having", or "sneakin snacks"That bean comment is interesting too, never looked at it that way. Thats why I'm excited to get to know people on these boards, you get really valuable feedback.Thanks again,Jack

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by ontariolightning » Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:28 am

Hey welcome to taxiI like sneakin' snacks!The kidney bean part is good, I don't have a problem with itKinda looks like a brad paisley lyric which is good!hes an awesome writerthis was a good lyric for me until you played the god cardand then it totally changed my opinionits what commercial radio wants but personally I just hate itdid you really ask god or was that just an add in for the bridgeeither way its good

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by jackzerby » Tue Jan 13, 2009 5:09 am

Thanks for the feedback Actually the God part is true, we were pretty nervous about having a baby, and what it would entail. My wife told me that she asked God if it was the right time, and well you know the answer.I wrote this song for me to sing and record, so I'm not looking to put it on commercial radio. I wanted to connect with new (and about to be new) parents.I see your point about the God thing. If it's not genuine, then...

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Casey H
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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by Casey H » Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:11 am

I'm sure the sex had nothing to do with the baby thing... ***joke***

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by ontariolightning » Tue Jan 13, 2009 6:30 am

LOL, as long as its genuine then i see no problem, people just like to use the god card

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by momof4 » Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:29 pm

hi! so i like the like about sneakin' snacks while in front of the fridge...as a prego myself (6 1/2 months along), i can totally relate! storyline is clear - i like it! my only issue with it is that i don't see a chorus? maybe you've written one here, but there doesn't seem to be anything that sums up the whole song, you know, the repetitive diddy we all sing between the telling of the story. if you'd stick one in there, i think it'd be a great song! congrats, by the way, on the little guy!erin

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Re: Before You Were Born - a song for my new son

Post by jackzerby » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:43 am

Thanks Erin!Wow, so you definitely can relate, so your comments are even more meaningful now, haha.Actually the part right after the pre-chorus is the chorus, my mistake!Beforrrrrre you were borrrrrrrrrnnn (pause)Beforrrrrre you were borrrrrrrrrnnn (pause)Thanks againJack

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