Blowing up a song, rewriting lyrics, appreciate ur thoughts!

[ChipD]

Actually, I'm gonna answer my own question. Yes, "someone might have to bleed" is a bit too extreme for a pop song. My latest version of the chorus is:

If I don’t see you Wednesday
I might kick and scream
And if I don’t see you Thursday
I might need therapy, ‘cause
I don’t usually freak out much
But I’m not gonna lie, I already miss your touch, yeah
If I don’t see you Friday
Get a straight jacket for me

What I like about this is that the singer's insanity gets progressively worse from day to day: Wednesday, she's kicking and screaming; Thursday, she needs therapy; Friday, she's being hauled away in a straight jacket to an insane asylum. Pretty typical progression when you miss someone, right?

[AnthonyCeseri]

Thanks for the feedback, Anthony!

No problem

[AnthonyCeseri]

You know, Anthony's comments got me thinking about a time I got to have a chat with a Grammy-nominated songwriter about this song. She, in so many words, reacted to the chorus like "OK, if she doesn't see her boyfriend by Friday, she'll feel like she won't survive. So what? That's boring."

So, let me go extreme on this and put this chorus out there for you. I'm trying to play off the "not enough to keep this girl sane" theme from the first verse. Is this TOO extreme? I'm going for a Ke$ha/P!nk attitude on this, but is that even too far beyond what those ladies would do?

If I don’t see you Wednesday
I might kick and scream
And if I don’t see you Thursday
Someone might have to bleed, ‘cause
I don’t usually freak out much
But I’m not gonna lie, I already miss your touch, yeah
If I don’t see you Friday
Get a straight jacket for me

I like this better, mainly because I didn't like the "I might not be alive" line from the earliest version. It was the most extreme line, tucked in the middle somewhere. This works better for me. It fits with the theme better too.

[mikeShort]

Okay, I'm going to confuse things.

I DID like "I won't be alive," and I like the first chorus better than the latest. But I would reverse Thursday and Friday. I think the "I don't think I'll survive" thing is just enough of a cliche that the listener won't take it literally, but when you follow it with "I won't be alive," suddenly the listener has to revisit the first line in a different light. I think that instant change in intensity would offer real power to the desperation of the singer.

In this case, using the cliche is a good thing, because it uses listener expectations to mislead them just enough to bring the full impact of the "I won't be alive" line home.

[AnthonyCeseri]

Okay, I'm going to confuse things.

I DID like "I won't be alive," and I like the first chorus better than the latest. But I would reverse Thursday and Friday. I think the "I don't think I'll survive" thing is just enough of a cliche that the listener won't take it literally, but when you follow it with "I won't be alive," suddenly the listener has to revisit the first line in a different light. I think that instant change in intensity would offer real power to the desperation of the singer.

In this case, using the cliche is a good thing, because it uses listener expectations to mislead them just enough to bring the full impact of the "I won't be alive" line home.

Okay, interesting point...

[ChipD]

Interesting take on things, Mike. Thanks for the feedback! Any way we slice it, I think we agree that if the cliche is to be used at all, it needs to be de-emphasized and not used as the payoff line.

Thanks again!

[FeffyShell]

Personally, I don't think the latest lyrics are too extreme; on the contrary, I think they're the most exciting! That chorus reminded me of the Bruno Mars "Grenade" extreme.