Break the Bottle (First Post)

[kirkm]

Hi, my name is Kirk and I drink too much (too much info, too soon?). Anyway, I'm from Atlanta and I love to write songs, however, the songs don't always share the love. I have realized there are some very good writers on the forum, so I would be honored if you would consider giving me your opinion and feedback for my first post on TAXI.In response to screener critiques, I have re-written the lyrics to Break the Bottle. The original lyrics and music can be heard at:http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_mu ... D=915772As you can see, the first lyrics were prayer-ish and not story-ish. Therefore, I've attempted to give the listener something to hold onto in the revision.Revised Lyrics:Lick the whiskey from my numb lipsSqueeze the trigger with each sipRememberin’ what I want to forgetEmpty bottles filled with regretAt the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againMy daughter a teenager motherTo a drunken father in the cornerShe cried till the tears ran dryTook twelve steps to the doorAt the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeGrant me strength Guardian angelPull my soul from the gates of hellFor my daughter I want to be soberNot the drunk father in the cornerAt the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againPut it back to together againPut it back together ….. againOriginal Lyrics:Break the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againAt the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of my broken heartPut it back to together againGrant me strength in times of weaknessGive me faith and self controlAnd the courage in days of darknessTo put the love back in my soul At the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeGrant me peace in world of violenceGive the devil my anger And shelter with Guardian AngelDefend my heart from the danger At the bottom on bended kneeHear my prayer that I pleadOne day at a time all I needSince she’s left she’s all I seeBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againBreak the bottle on the tableShoot the gun from my handPick up the pieces of the broken heartedPut it back to together againPut it back to together againPut it back together ….. again

[billg]

Hey Kirk, my name is billg and I drink too much also . . . maybe that's why I think your song is really good Seriously, this is a good GOOD song! Perfect production too. I'm going back now to listen to the rest of your stuff. If it's all this good it's gonna be bad news for my drinking problem-Okay, just listened to Georgia Summer Night . . . Really good production there too. Where are you doing your recording?

[feaker]

KirkI went and sampled your stuff.Very nice indeed.You have a great voice.Best part is you don't sound like everyone else.Nice to meet you.Paul

[slowdance]

Kirk,Welcome....enjoyed the listenRegards,Dick

[ideascapes]

Well done, Kirk. Not sure what you're going for here--TV/film placement, song pitch, artist deal--but if this is aimed for contemporary usage, I think you'd need to mix up the melodic rhythm a bit. It sounds very sing-songy to me right now--very on the beat and predicable.Vince

[teleblaster]

Really nice piece. Love the grungy electric guitar backing tracks. Awesome job on the vox. My only nit would be that you might need a bit more variation in the melody; maybe a bridge or something would give it a place to 'go' and 'return' from.Cool track!Erich

[kirkm]

Thanks for the open arms welcome and comments. To billg, the production was done by Martin Kearns at Exocet Studios in Atlanta. As a I am technical idiot, I really on his expertise. Thanks again, from the drunk in the corner.