Broken Doll

[ocean]

This one was emotionally hard to write. And the ending is a little too hard to bear, although it's tragically so true far too many times. If anyone has some input as to how to end it on a more hopeful note, without changing the outcome of the story I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

BROKEN DOLL

Sun shimmering dewy grass
Swaying in the breeze
There's a silence here
Soon broken by the siren screams.

Little Broken Doll
Lying on the ground
Fast tracks of black
Head beyond the mound.

Dry road spins round and round
As men of law appear
A woman cries with desperate eyes
And tells them that she's scared.

Dog walking witness man
Points beyond the mound
"You stay right here, we'll
head up there, and see
what we can find."

Path climbs a little while
But soon it levels out
Law man sees something
In the fields beyond the mound.

Little Broken Doll
Lying on the ground
And like the toy they found
She's quiet now
And stares into the clouds.

[FMstereo]

Hi Ocean

This is beautifully written, and the image of the little broken doll is very powerful.

Almost looks more like poetry than a lyric.

Not sure of a way to keep the story the same but end with something more "hopeful", but maybe something about the mother's gratitude for the short time she did have with her daughter, and the wonderful memories she has. Hard to find the positive out of a situation like this.

A while ago I posted up a lyric about a rape survivor (which will be re-posted shortly following further re-writes) and of course the fact that she is a survivor provides a positive aspect. Unlike this, which is just unimaginable.

Well done.

Cheers

[simonsays]

Hi Ocean,
Your my 1st post here at Taxi.
How about for the last line,have her... 'smiling up into the clouds' ? (As if seeing God,or Angels.)
Steve

[ocean]

@simonsays: I'm honored.
Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, people. I appreciate it.

[Nick2012]

Hey Ocean,

I wouldn't have a clue how to make the ending hopeful, but I did want to say "Dog walking witness man" is a SICK line. I mean that in a good way.

Nick

[simonsays]

Hi Ocean,

More ending possibilities came to me. I hope they're in tune with what you're looking for.
After, 'smiling sweetly towards the clouds', could come something like:

the Rosary man said
as her smile shows... Angels surely know their own
they clearly came...as many claim...to take her on home

Steve

[simonsays]

Hi Ocean,
I was thinking about what FM said... about this maybe sounding more like poetry, than a song lyric.
I'm curious... how do you hear this being sung?
It's formatted similar to a single verse/story structure, but without the title being included in every section.

(In my mind), I hear angelic background singers, softly saying :

baby doll, baby doll, baby doll
broken doll, broken doll, broken doll
angel doll, angel doll, angel doll

Steve

[ocean]

Hi Ocean,
I was thinking about what FM said... about this maybe sounding more like poetry, than a song lyric.
I'm curious... how do you hear this being sung?
It's formatted similar to a single verse/story structure, but without the title being included in every section.

(In my mind), I hear angelic background singers, softly saying :

baby doll, baby doll, baby doll
broken doll, broken doll, broken doll
angel doll, angel doll, angel doll

Steve

Well... I have parts of the music ready. It's very simple. I think I've drawn some inspiration from "Ode To Billie Joe" by Bobbie Gentry on this. I wouldn't say they're all that similar, but to me the feeling/emotional backdrop is almost identical. I'll post a sample as soon as I can.

[simonsays]

Hi Ocean,
I really look forward to hearing this. Thanks.
I find your lyrics to be both clear and original-- truly, not an easy thing to accomplish!
Sincerely, steve

[ocean]

Thanks, Steve. That means alot to me:)

Here's a part of the song: http://oceanarts.net/Downloads/Music/Br ... Sample.mp3
I apologize for the crap vocals, I tried to mask it in reverb... didn't work.