Can't Let Her Go

[ocean]

Don't know if you intended this or not, but you say she was in possession of the "spare key" which indicates that there was a level of inequality in the relationship which may have lead to her leaving. I like this little "clue", perhaps you could exploit it further.

[Nick2012]

Wow. Great point! That's definitely food for thought.

Did you read my last revision of the lyrics posted further down in the thread? I do bring up the key again in the new bridge. But it still doesn’t exploit the key as you've suggested. To be honest, in that new bridge, I was going to have him say something about it not being a sufficient key to her heart. Now I'm kicking myself for giving up on that idea so soon. Seems so obvious now.

I think I'm going to make some changes and possibly rename it "Spare Key".

Thanks for the great feedback.

Nick

[ocean]

Happy writing.

[FMstereo]

Hi Nick

Your re-write has certainly improved this, and I'm loving some of your great lines:

But the sun just went down in 44-J
Foolish to think that he still has the choice

You're talking about another re-write.

"To be honest, in that new bridge, I was going to have him say something about it not being a sufficient key to her heart. Now I'm kicking myself for giving up on that idea so soon. Seems so obvious now."

Please don't write about the "key to her heart". I think that is such a cliche and would weaken the song.

Cheers

[Nick2012]

>>> Your re-write has certainly improved this, and I'm loving some of your great lines:

Thank you very much FM, I really appreciate you saying that.

>>> Please don't write about the "key to her heart". I think that is such a cliché and would weaken the song.

Oh, I hear ya FM. That's why I didn't do it. What I'm kicking myself for is letting the thought pass without thinking through it a little deeper and working the "inequality" factor in there somewhere.

On another note, I'm kind of bummed to realize I may have to change...

Spare key on a chain
That anchors the note

Back to..

Spare key on the counter
That holds down the note

At first I thought it was really creative to compare the key to an anchor. A lot of metaphor there if you read between the lines. But then it dawned on me that she would not have that key on a separate keychain. It would be attached to her other keys. And that can bring in a whole different level of emotion, especially if you imagine the moment she's taking the key off the chain. Gosh, there is SO much that could be explored here. I need to avoid the temptation to make this too complex.

This has been VERY interesting. As I mentioned in another thread, I threw the first lyrics together at my desk (here in Iraq) and posted them just as an experiment to see what kind of feedback I would get. During my months of "prowling" : ) I saw it often said that a major benefit of TAXI is the peer review and what evolves from it and how it makes you a better writer. So I wanted to test that out. Those first lyrics were not even remotely close to something I'd normally write, and I had no intentions at all of ever making it a song. But now I'm thinking it might be something worth completing. I might have to let someone else tackle the music though. I suspect the style of this song leans toward country (for now anyway). That's not my forte.

[Nick2012]

2nd revision. What say ye?

Can't Let Her Go ©Nick LaFrance

V1
He comes home from work
And smells her perfume
He thinks, "What a surprise"
And searches each room

V2
But the sweet air turns heavy
When he finds he's alone
And he comes to discover
Her things are all gone

Pre-chorus
She gave plenty of signs their time would soon end
But denial is a tragic friend

Chorus
He was blind to her needs
Now he can't let her go
Deaf to her pleas
Now he can't let her go
Not one for romance
Now he can't let her go
Wants one more last chance
'cause he can’t let her go

V3
Spare key on the counter
Holding down the note
Took all his strength to lift that key
And read the words she wrote

V4
"I hope life is good to you
I just can't be a part anymore
I was yours more than you were mine
I had the landlord lock the door"

Pre-chorus
The city outside still glows from the day
But the sun just went down in 44-J

Chorus

Bridge
Funny how want only lives in a void
Clutching a key he now longs for her heart
He's made up his mind that he won't let her go
Foolish to think that he still has the choice

Chorus

[mikeShort]

This is really good, but I have some problems with the second half of the chorus:

Not one for romance
Now he can't let her go
Wants one more last chance
'cause he can’t let her go

The romance/chance thing, in addition to being in 23% of all love songs ever written (16% if teamed with dance ... these stats, like 48% of all stats, were made up on the spot!), sounds like it's there just to get a rhyme. I don't know what "Not one for romance" has to do with the song. I didn't like "one more last chance" either at first, but it's growing on me. But it's hard to rhyme chance without a cliche.

The rest of the song is strong. I think this bit hurts it. Just one opinion.

[Nick2012]

You're 100% right Mike. To tell you the truth, it was beginning to dawn on me that the chorus had become the weaker part of the song. And that's a big problem. I need to come up with something better.

Thanks for the reality check : )

Nick

[ocean]

I think you should keep the anchor analogy. Because it's beautiful, and in my opinion metaphors outweigh slight breaches of logic in songwriting and poetry. But maybe, rather than anchor the note, it anchors the feelings she wrote?

[Nick2012]

Yeah Ocean, I'm inclined to agree. I need to put that back.

Thanks for your feedback.

Nick