Can YOU write a SECOND VERSE to this song? Looking 4 Colab

[joeyhatcher]

Hi! I thought a good way in looking for a collaborator might be to post a song that is unfinished and if you are interested in having your name on this song, feel free to write a second verse and send it over!


I can produce it all myself if necessary, I'm looking for the right lyrics to bring it to the next level.. It's a simple, moving song (for TV/FILM ideally) I already co-write with one really good songwriter. Although, I would like to expand my pool of collaborators, as everyone has different strengths.

PM me if you'd like to give a second verse a try! Would be great to strike up a collaboration! Had 82 Forwards in the last 1.5 years at Taxi!

Listen HERE: https://soundcloud.com/joeyhatcher/didn ... unfinished

SOME TIPS:
The second verse would have to be in the exact same rhyme scheme as VERSE 1
the stanzas would need to be conversational and natural lyrics
it would have to somehow move the story forward.. Make it up- it can go wherever you want!


VERSE
you always had your way
of making me feel I
was your moon by night
and your sun
by day
but somehow you can shelve all that
and leave all the memories behind
but you could never leave my mind

CHORUS
you didn’t even say
goodbye to me
all that I wish for
was one last kiss
one ya wouldn’t miss
you didn’t even say
goodbye to me
no, oh
when ya moved on

THANKS YOU GUYS!

[funsongs]

Hey Joey... check your Private Message (PM).
Cheers,
Peter R.
https://soundcloud.com/funsongs-1

[melodymessiah]

pm'ed you.

[Paulie]

Nice song and track?

What's the goal of the story... are you bitter and hurt and its getting worse, or are you upset but know you will power through it?

[marywalk]

Hi Joey,

Not sure if you found your second verse yet but I wrote one and pmed you.

[joeyhatcher]

There were some great submissions. Thank you. I have settled on a rough verse 2! I still hope to collaborate with many of you guys at some point!

I remember just yesterday
we were laughing hard
now you've left me scarred
since you
went away
you musta been hurt
it was hiding behind
the beauty in your eyes
maybe you
will return when you realize-

Chorus
You didn't even say...

Joey

[Casey H]

Hi Joey
Just a few general comments on the songwriting, FWIW... Not what you asked for (e.g. writing a verse) so I hope this is OK. Apologies if this is out of bounds (You didn't ask for a critique)... It's all meant to be constructive and helpful.

A few things jumped out at me.

(1) The overall storyline in the song isn't all that clear/coherent. She left without saying goodbye is the key thing in the chorus but your verses could do a much better job painting the story to support that. Verses are there to do the set up and the chorus there to drive home the conclusion. Sometimes I start off writing without rhymes to get down what I want to say in each section and carve in rhymes later. It's like an outline for what you want to say in V1, C, V2, etc...

(2) The chorus opens with the title, repeats it again but then ends on something that is "just hanging there". You want the listener to walk away with the hook line in their head. Ending the chorus somehow with "You didn't even say" would be one way to do that. Focus your chorus on the hook line.

(3) You use a lot of cliché phrases and rhymes. It's OK to use a few but it's best to give the song a few more passes to de-cliché as much as you can. When you can, try to say something is a way in which it hasn't already been said a million times before. Not always easy, I know.

(4)
all that I wish for
was one last kiss
one ya wouldn’t miss
Not sure I understand this part of the chorus. You want a kiss she WOULDN'T miss? And the tense is inconsistent. Line 1 above is present tense, line 2 is past tense.

Just my thoughts on the overall lyrics and I sincerely hope this doesn't come off obnoxious in any way. I've done a lot of critiques on these boards over the years and every now and then I see a place where I think I can truly add value.

Warmest
Casey