Co-writers and Revisions

[Tree]

Thanks for even more great answers and responses! Yeah, maybe I should get him on the forums as well. I can keep telling him that other songwriters feel the same way but him actually seeing other people struggle with the same feelings maybe will help him.

Debra, Thanks for the great advice. Definitely something I will try, such a good idea! Makes him really think about the end result and that we're in this together and he has a say too.

Thanks so much everyone! I feel more hopeful for sure and I think things will get better!

[mojobone]

It seems that every time we make any suggestion on a song Fred gets extremely defensive, starts talking about how art is subjective and takes time, how we're just guessing what other people are going to like and well, the conversations always end badly with everyone in a gruff defensive mood (not a good mood to be in when trying to be creative).

It sounds to me like "Fred" is getting triggered. In other words - he's reacting emotionally because an old pattern or belief is being activated by what you are telling him.

If you are invested in making this work with him (because if you're not, I recommend you move on and find someone you work with better), you may need to play "coach" a bit.

Try saying something like this:

"Hey Fred, I really want to work with you to create the best song we can. And I really respect that you want to fight for what you think is right and I want to help you. I don't really feel like you are hearing me. So, I'm curious, what did you just hear me say?"

After he answers - this is the key question:

"OK - and what did you think that meant?"

And after he answers -

"Thanks - and what do you need from me in order to be able to really collaborate on this song?"

See - when people act defensively it's because from their experience they, personally, are being attacked. He can't feel safe enough to really work with you as long as he believes he's being attacked. And, believe me, that likely has nothing to do with you. It may just be how he sees the world around him. One of the ways to diffuse could be to really be on his side. Not that you get in the defensive mode with him. But that you talk with him, not with his defensiveness. And one of the best ways to do that is by asking questions that ask him to check in with himself. Because this is probably completely unconscious for him.

I like to remember that everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. Sometimes my job as a coach is to let them know there are a lot more resources than the are aware of - and invite them to use these resources.

Hope that helps.
Debra

Deb, I'm gonna own up to this; I never really saw much of a value in life/career coaching 'til now-that was one of the most insightful posts I've ever seen on this site, and I've seen a bunch.

[coachdebra]

Deb, I'm gonna own up to this; I never really saw much of a value in life/career coaching 'til now-that was one of the most insightful posts I've ever seen on this site, and I've seen a bunch.

Wow - from you, that means a lot. Thank you!

OK - you just totally made my day!

Debra