Confused

[solrax]

I have a big dilema, and I've been thinking about it all night. I have some choices to make, and they have to be right.So I took a job transfer from Texas to Maine. It's not to bad here, but my wife hates it. In fact, she went on a 6 month vacation, we both agreed on, to Texas. This has kept me away from her and my daughter. We are not separated or anything, she'll be back at the end of June. I also kinda want to go back to Texas I miss my family and my friends. (I miss my band too!)This is where the dilema comes in, and I have to make a choice.I can stay here in Maine for a couple more years, and wait to get promoted back to Texas. The good things about this is that I get more training....A lot more training. The bad things are that I have to stay here a couple more years and my company will not pay my move. I can also hope I get a 90% or better on my supervisor test this Sunday, and put in for 2 almost guaranteed promotions. None of these are near Texas, and I would have to promise them 3 years. I can then get to go wherever I want after those 3 years. The good things are that I get my move paid and I can almost guarantee I'll be close to my family again in 3 years. The bad things are that I have to score a 90% or higher, on a killer test....I've been studying, and all the study material for the test, is about 1500 pages, all small print with no pictures! The other downside is that I have to wait 3 years before going back to Texas.The last thing I can do is wait about 3 months, put in for a transfer, and hope that I get it within 6 months. If I don't get it within 6 months I try again. The bad things are that it's not guaranteed and it's not a promotion. Furthermore, I will lose the ability to get trainings and make getting a promotion harder for me. The good things are that this is the easiest of all roads to get back, they will fund my move, and I will be close to my family. I'm confused I don't know what to do. This is a random post, but had to get it out of my system. I figured the best place to do it would be on this forum, since everyone here has been great to me.On the bright side, the music shop opens in 57 minutes, and I'm gonna be there!

[jonathanm]

Hi, Solrax.I really feel for you, man. Since we don't know each other, this is just for what it's worth. You'll have to determine how true the words ring.The only things that really matter in life are relationships. The stuff and accomplishments are pretty hollow without them. The main purpose of a job is to support the relationships in life. Therefore, if in your situation, I'd first make sure me and my wife and kids were together and loved on a daily basis. The job situation can be worked out together as a family.$0.02 Jonathan

[byllsong]

Hey SolraxJust read your post...wow! I agree with Jonathon though, a loving, sharing, growing relationship with your family is #1...15 years ago I had a job that was slowly eating away at my family time...it got up to 10-12/7. On the day that they decided to expand the company and give me more responsibility, I started looking for something else. There was no time for my music, friends...it was all about trying to get enough rest to prepare for the next round. Now I have less stress, more time with my family and a happy grateful wife. Now I can work on my music more.Good luck man Billy

[jonathanm]

Apr 21, 2008, 5:35am, byllsong wrote:Now I have less stress, more time with my family and a happy grateful wife....And he had a happy birthday...IN THE BAHAMAS!!!!Your results may vary!

[squids]

Hey Sol,Well, here, maybe this will help......I'm a housewise too.....hubby is a wildlife biologist and could only work in certain places in the country. I knew this before I married him and the agreement was that I would be a stay-at-home mom once the kids came around. It is a tough job, no doubt about it. Having family around helps (not my family but ya know, lots of families! ). Now that they're older, I'm in school and volunteer so I'm still on the go. Anyway, I've followed him from Maryland to New Hampshire (not a good move) and finally to Mississippi. Raised the kids here and worked every single place before they showed up. He had the career, he was bringing in the big funds for everything so it was my job to back him up. I agreed to do it, I didn't agree to like it all the time. So let me suggest a compromise (cuz marriage is all about that, imho)......how about she comes back this summer and then takes more trips home for less time? Like a long weekend every two months or something like that? That way you can pursue what you need to do, she gets to see home a lot without interrupting YOUR family time too much and the time will fly by. I don't know how old your kids are but they're only a pain in the arse to fly with until they get to be around 5 or 6 (if their mom has them under control anyway and makes it fun for them). Look, I'm a southern girl, my mom's family hails from here and family is like God. I know she misses them but a couple of years away from them with lots of visits home means she still gets to keep up the relationship (it's not going anywhere, for heaven's sakes, family is forever (even in my case, ugh!) but marriages don't always last without real commitment on both sides). Her relationship with YOU is the key here. Marriage should come before kids and then the kids after that if you want something left after they're grown.I ain't lyin' when I tell you I wish my mom had wanted a relationship as close as I have with my kids and that your wife has with her family. It would've been a god-send to me, especially this far away (they live 1200 miles away). In your wife's case, she knows they'll support her but perhaps she doesn't understand the significance to you or to her in the future if you can stay there a couple more years. Especially if it means she gets to go back home permanently then but on much more financially lucrative terms.Of course, I'm only hearing one side of the story here but that's my opinion.

[davekershaw]

Apr 21, 2008, 7:07am, solrax wrote: I suggest you book a room at a hotel, have a lovely dinner, and then sit down with her and talk with her about the options. Can't add much to all the good suggestions everyone has put, except to say, you can NEVER replace that time with the kids.Oh, and yeah, when you book that room and the lovely dinner, be sure to invite Hummingbird.She's gives so many words of wisdom, she'd be a great intermediary.I'm starting to see her as the Elton John of the Taxi forum.(That's meant to be a compliment Vicki )

[mikegoudreau]

This is a difficult situation...I feel for you and your family Solrax. I know the feeling since this year I said no to a gig as a guitarist backing up a major artist in France...It was a 15 week gig and paid a bit more than whole years salary for me ...And we'd be playing very famous halls in France such as the Olympia etc. + TV gigs.But the thing is I would gone from my wife and my 2 kids ( 3 & 6 years old )... My wife was encouraging me to do it ( to be supportive ) but in the end I refused and I never had a regret since I would have been miserable and lonely....Money isn't everything and everything worked out for the best...Of course I'm 42 now and this is my second time being a full dad ( oldest daughter is 22 ! ) and realize the importance of these moments.Every situation is different and everyone has to make these heart wrenching decisions...I hope you find the best solution for your happiness and your families.Good luck, God bless,MG

[liamkelly]

Apr 21, 2008, 2:57pm, sgs4u wrote:Hey Solrax,I was lucky enough to be chosen by a wonderful woman, who also wanted to have kids. Actually I told her on our first date, not to go out with me again, if she wasn't sure she wanted kids. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered, after my first practice marriage, which I failed at miserably. I was so freaked when our first kid was born. It's a lot easier to say "I want a family," than it is to actually do it. As my social life (which revolved around gigs,) morphed into being the main childcare provider, many of my goals and dreams changed as well. There have been many times when I pleaded with God to give me my career back. Not because I wanted to run away, but because it's easy to find stuff to complain about, if I obsess about the things I'm not satisfied with. Every time our 2 day a week nanny is sick, the kids are my responsibility. There is never enough time for music or enough money to do all the things I dream of experiencing with my family. I go thru hell because my ego still has a very rough time NOT being the main breadwinner. It's all bullshit, and just facets of the human experience. None of that can ever be more important than my first priority. My Dad lives in New Brunswick, just across the river from Maine. When I went to high school ('78), we would drive over to Maine for lunch @ MacDonald's. You are living in a very beautiful part of the world. When my Dad moved our family into a very secluded hamlet in the hills of northern New Brunswick, I thought I wanted to kill him. As a 47 yr old Dad myself now, I now look back at that period as one of the most influential experiences of my life. My Mom was very unhappy about it too. But that was back then, and my mom was traditional enough to follow her man anywhere... Personally, I don't ever want to be away from my kids for 6 months. Even going to the Taxi Rally for 3 days, drove me a bit bonkers. As a father committed to raising our children to caring about the world and each other, I can't influence their lives very much with phone calls. However, if my wife decided that she couldn't live where we are living, I would be willing to uproot everything we have going here on the west coast. Because to me, all the career stuff is secondary to raising our kids into adults that are ready to make the world better, thru their love for people. Moving back to Texas (tho it must be a very cool place to live), looks like another mess for you. Staying where you are, for "X" more years, with limits on how much time your family spends with you, also seems pretty complicated. She fears the change of having to adapt to life in Calais. You fear letting go of a job situation that is stable, even tho your family life might not be for ever. Maybe it's time to take the leap of faith into believing that you will effortlessly attract every bit of stability and income you and your family need. You've gotten this far successfully, you're not throwing away progress, by changing jobs, careers, or location. All the great things you've managed to pull off in your life, are not because of your job. They are results from you busting your ass, to get where you are. Redefine your perfect existence, and go after that right now, instead of hoping that the future will be more perfect. You've already proven to yourself (and your wife) what you can do, when you set your mind to it. She married you BECAUSE she thought you are worth a lifetime of love and commitment. You've had lots of input from some pretty stellar people here, it's all worth consideration. Allow their suggestions to help you get deep into what matters most to you. Whatever choice you make, can ultimately work out fine. This is my first choice, and will be for another 20 years. As you'd say yourself, Steve.... awesome Great post

[jchitty]

Solrax, since you folks haven't been in Maine long, your wife probably hasn't had the chance to establish many friendships, although I don't know, maybe she has. She's probably going back to Texas to get some needs met of course. I don't know if you folks go to church, but maybe trying to find a network of friends will help her through the rough spots for those three years you will be there. I know that network of friends won't replace family and friends back in Texas, but it could smooth over some of the rough spots when she returns in June.We women have a tendency to feel isolated if we stay home, and that can result in unhappiness. If you're religious, maybe a church would help with some of her spiritual and social needs. Or if she has some sort of hobby, she could find people with similar interests. People need people, that's a fact...heck even send her to this glorious message board where people will make her feel part of something....this place is great for that. I am certainly not saying that money is more important than family, but in the current job climate, I wouldn't be too hasty about leaving your job in Maine. Tell your wife that it's only three years (I think you said that) and promise her that if she stays with you, you'll do your best to get back to Texas eventually. Reassure her that you believe it's a temporary thing, at least you're hoping for that. Tell her that you love her very much, but that this current job climate (even if your company is sound) might mean that she has to sacrifice for a while. Of course, get her an unlimited minutes plan so that she can talk to her friends and relatives in Texas all the time. You may even have one now. It might make her time in Maine more bearable.When she (and your daughter) returns to Maine and doesn't feel too isolated, she may perk up.....we all need friends and people to talk to...yeah, our families are wonderful, but I think we all need people outside the family sometimes. Hope I'm not being too simplistic.BTW, Steve G. that's an adorable pic of you and your kids!

[squids]

Hey Solrax,I think you both made good decisions and cooperated really well with each other. She came up with a really nice compromise and it's clear she's solidly in your court. That's great. I love to hear about marriages that work. I've lived in both DC and NM.......I liked them both for different reasons, although DC messed me up for a bit, working in a concrete jungle (11,000 lawyers in one square mile downtown and that was 20 years ago!). There's lots of cool stuff to see there and you can live in the suburbs where the schools are good. New Mexico is pretty cool (Ted lives there, he can tell you). I lived down south in Las Cruces, by El Paso. I liked it a lot. And it's right next door to Texas! Heh!I'm gonna hafta PM you to find out what you do for a livin' dude. Meantime, carry on with the good work, you're doing GREAT.Squids