"Consider It A Send Off"-tell me what you think

[chrisvandyke]

Lovely linger listen to my wordsI always have a problem speaking up too loudI just wanted to make sure you weren't twelve for ten centsBut all I have now are dimes in the dime jarShe said I'm moving down to South CarolinaThey're gonna show me how to fightWash my brain, hand me a gunAnd teach me wrong from rightStay on the other sideAre you really gonna have to make me hide?There's bound to be a better lifeAnd for all I know, I'm already out of sightIn the history book of my lifeFrom August until May, I'll rip all of the pages outAnd I'll say I was just too drunk to rememberApparently I fell in loveNow I sing the melody of the middle of the nightRaise these heavy eyes, turn the dark into lightI turned in all my coins for hugs in the hallwayCuz I haven't been myself for quite some timeThere's a path I take when the rain goes awayYou standing there with open armsAcross this love divided highway, I'd like to make my wayBut you're in the roadSo consider it a send offA trainwreck bound for anywhere but hereI'll turn and walk the other wayIf you just stay on the other sideCopyright Chris Van Dyke 2007

[arthurjames]

Hey Chris,I'm new to this but I'll take stab. Couple questions. Is there music to this? What style is it or do you hear it in? I'm hearing roots/country rock as I read it. There's obviously a story here and feels like your connected to it, but I have a hard time tracking w/it. Is there a Chorus? I don't see any repeating lines. I do like some of the imagry and can feel emotion in places, but due to lack of structure I don't feel like it has nearly the impact it could. As was pointed out in my first lyric post (just a few days ago), the rythmic meter varies greatly. It's very difficult for me to imagine these words as is being phrased over music. To pass along some encouragement, DON"T STOP WRITING! If you're connected to it then a rewrite with an eye to rythmic phrasing might start whippin' this into shape. And maybe a Chorus or hook line of some kind.These lines stood out except I was hearing the "teach and "show" switched: She said I'm gonna move down to South Carolina They're gonna teach me how to fight Wash my brain, hand me a gun And show me wrong from rightIn my humble opinion that's got the makings of a powerful chorus. Anyway, that's all I got. Take careArthur

[jamesrjones]

Hi Shot.You've definitely got a poetic leaning. I'm very much of the opinion that the lyric and melody need to dance arm in arm to make a song work, but that being said I would say that you need to have a clearly defined lyrical structure. You don't seem to have a chorus, just a lot of verses. This may work with your melody, but you should consider that the listener craves repetition to some extent and I think that's what's most missing from your lyrics.Jim

[chrisvandyke]

I do have music to it, once i get a decent recording of this song i'm going to post it up on my profile. i think once you hear the music to it, it will make a lot more sense. there is a chorus, i just didn't label which parts were which when i posted it. if you're curious to know what it sounds like, i have an acoustic demo at www.myspace.com/chrisvandyke.

[lopc]

AJ and JJ were pretty much right on. There's no country in this tune, the lyric doesn't fit blues, jazz or pop. Feels like it could be a solid folk work with less intensity. A better blend in these two verses would really stand out. They are strong visions. Actually, AJ had the right idea regarding the chorus. In my humble opinion, pull that from this piece and work it. Maybe take the two below and build on those. Just my opinion. Either way, best of luck should you decide to demo as is.Later.In the history book of my lifeFrom August until May, I'll rip all of the pages outAnd I'll say I was just too drunk to rememberApparently I fell in loveSo consider it a send offA trainwreck bound for anywhere but hereI'll turn and walk the other wayIf you just stay on the other side