Country Tune - Review Please!

[Hotshot]

Wow! You are all awesome. I really - - -REALLY - - - appreciate all the feedback. But can someone explain what a "hook" is. AND a bridge or interlude section.
I apologize for being naive but I don't know what all that stuff means. I just love to write.

Thanks so much to all of you!!!!!

[ottlukk]

Captain "Hook" (what's a "hook")?
Actually, I think this song has two. The "terrified" line, and the "daddy, please" line. It's a lyric that you remember, that means something, that makes the song work.
It's Captain Hook (of Disney fame) bringing reality to a song, just like the crocodile in the cartoon. Or is it the crocodile bringing reality?
Either way, it's a line that makes the song memorable.
Ott

[Casey H]

Thank you for any feedback you may give.
My demo is at http://www.taxi.com/hawkins

©2008-2010 Steven L. Hawkins

ONE DAY

Passing thoughts and forgotten dreams
Life is not at all what it seems
Sipping his coffee thinking about what he didn’t do
Realizing his dreams had already come true
Looking out the window out the back door
His baby girl is playing with the boy next door
He can see she’s about to fall
There’s nothing he can do at all

(Chorus)
One day you’re a child
Scraping your knees
Daddy it hurts make it go away
Daddy please
There’s magic in your touch
Daddy I love you so much
He can see that she’s scared by the look in her eyes
If she only knew he’s the one who’s terrified
Daddy please

Looking out the window out the back door
His baby girl is about to marry the boy next door
Daddy she says with a smile
Take my hand and let’s walk for a while
Don’t feel that I’m ready to be someone’s wife
Its okay baby live your life

(Chorus Repeat)

Sitting on the porch swing playing her favorite song
Grandpa’s playing with the kids out on the front lawn
Daddy she says with a smile
Why don’t you come and rest for a while
She can see he’s about to fall
There’s nothing she can do at all

One day you’re a child
Scrapping your knees
Baby it hurts make it go away
Baby please
There’s magic in your touch
Baby I love you so much
She can see that he’s scared by the look in his eyes
If he only knew she’s the one who’s terrified
Daddy please

Hi Steven
Very pretty and heartfelt! As the father of a daughter in her early 20's it definitely tugged on my heartstrings. I think your lyrics are very well written and the song is nicely performed and recorded.

My comments below are relative to the high bar requirements with country songs. As you probably have read here or learned from Taxi, for a country song to be pitched it has to be nearly perfect. The scrutiny given is many times more than say- a rock song for film/TV. Unkown writers have to live up to an incredibly high standard.

The first thing that struck me is it does not sound like a country song here. It sounds more like 70's pop/rock with some country twang thrown in to try to make it sound country. Unfortunately that usually won't fly.

If possible, try to fix the use of "door" to rhyme with itself. For the country market, something as seemingly silly as this can be a noted blemish.

The chrous is very nice. When pitching one the most key points in a song is the transition from first verse to first chorus. If the A&R person doesn't immediately feel differentiation-- a lift, change-up of phrasing, etc they won't keep listening. You do have differentiation. The only thing that MIGHT be of concern (not sure) is the last line of pre-chorus ,"there's nothing she can do at all" and the beginning of the chorus, "one day your a child" are the same cadence and phrasing. It might not matter because as you get into the chorus it works, but I just wanted to throw it out there. I struggle with similar issues in my own writing-- got one in the queue right now with that weakness-- it definitely wouldn't fly in a high bar SONG pitch.

You might consider not pitching this as a country song at all but as a specialty film/TV song. I say 'specialty' because it has very specific subject matter and therefore it would require a unique opportunity. However, requests for songs along specific subject lines do come up from time to time-- commercials, advertising, TV, etc... To do this, I think you may want to decide what genre it really is and go completely that way. For example maybe make it generic pop/rock without any country elements.

Good luck with it! I enjoyed it! I hope other opinions are posted... Mine is just well... MHO...

Best
Casey

[waltl]

Steven,

One of the reviewers had a good explanation of a "hook." Also, in contemporary country, the hook is usually the title of the song. It's the line that hooks or grabs the listener's attention and the line that the listener remembers. Below is a link to the lyrics of Trace Adkins' "You're Gonna Miss This." Notice that the title/hook is used twice in the chorus. Also, his song has a bridge instead of a third chorus. The bridge has different music from the verses and chorus. I think you will see some similarities to your song.

http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/adki ... 23933.html

The link below is to the music video of the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vG9XfJxMY8A

Walt

[DorothyWallace]

This is a very nice song and the vocals and production sound great. I think you have to work on the chorus to create more of a hook. Either repeat "One Day" a couple of times or change the title to "Daddy Please" as someone else suggested, since that is already repeating. Good Luck.

Dorothy

[Hotshot]

Okay. Thanks. Makes more sense now to change the title like some suggested.
Very good. Thank you!!

To Mojobone suggestion. Would something along these lines be what you are referring to?

One day your a child
Scrapping your knees
Baby it hurts make it go away
Baby please
She does what she can but knows it wont go away
It's just enough to hear him say
Baby don't know what it is
There's magic in your touch
Baby thank you I love you so much
She can see that he's scared by the look in his eyes
If he only knew she's the one who's terrified
Daddy please