Dandelions - please give a listen

[nylyrics]

Hi All:

Singer Songwriter style song in the works -another collaboration with Ken aka remoteoutofcontrol -

I was looking for feedback on the song journey and structure. I feel like its working but need fresh ears to make sure.

The song "Dandelions" can be heare at this link www.taxi.com/andymackay
and here are the lyrics:

Dandelions
© Mackay/Fukuda

I’m loving the way you won’t live the same day twice
Experiencing you has become my emotional vice
You say others have left you showing cuts but not scars
Unwilling to feel and unfreeze their hearts
Well I’ve let my ice all melt away
I know all the exits, I’ve locked all the doors
I’m here to stay

So you can keep me guessing
Keep me trying
I’ll be here pulling petals
From my dandelions
I’ll only want you more
Then each day before
I’m giving this all I’ve got, all I’ve got
Love me or love me not

Whenever I’m with you I’m kissing a different girl
Your lips are my keys to all your beautiful worlds
Like a light in the woods, a mystical glow
Every color you are I want to know
So show me yourself and who you’ll become
I know where I’m going, I know where I’m from
For me you’re the one

So you can keep me guessing
Keep me trying
I’ll be here pulling petals
From my dandelions
I’ll only want you more
Then each day before
I’m giving this all I’ve got, all I’ve got
Love me or love me not

Bridge:

I have been to the garden
Only to leave before spring
But this time I am waitin
Oh I am waiting
I want to see everything
I want to see everything

So you cankeep me guessing
Keep me trying
I’ll be here pulling petals
From my dandelions
I’ll only want you more
Then each day before
I’m giving this all I’ve got, all I’ve got
Love me or love me not

Love me.

[Gypsygal]

Nice work overall, really nice. My first impression was the chorus could use a bit more sizzle as the melody for the chorus is not that
different from the verses, if you did that it could really push this up like 10 notches. It has the potential to be a GREAT tune
but I would suggest the chorus needs a change-up to really make it shine diane

[mikemichnya]

Hey Andy & Ken,

Some thoughts, for what they're worth...

I like the feel and the melody, athough I agree w/Diane's comment that the verse and chorus melodies seem to be in pretty much the same range. I think when you go up on the third line of the verse, you're kinda giving away the store. I wonder if it might not be stronger to go down there to the melody you use in the fifth line of each verse (I love that melody!), and then go back to what you're doing in the first line and stay there until you get to the chorus.

I like the tryin'/dandelion rhyme, but the image of pulling petals from a dandelion doesn't ring true for me. When I think of dandelions, I think of blowing the white seeds away in the wind. When I think of "she loves me, she loves me not" image, I think of daisy's or sunflower's ~ flowers that have big petals, not the rather smallish petals on dandelions. And that said, I don't think you really need that image in the chorus. Consider this variation:

So you can keep me guessing
Keep me tryin'
I’ll only want you more
Then each day before
I’m giving you all I’ve got, all I’ve got
LOVE ME OR LOVE ME NOT (new title)

BTW, I think that "love me or love me not" is a great hook. There are some other really strong lines as well (the last three of the first verse and the "every color you are, I want to know" lines are my other favs).

If you really want to keep the "pulling petals" image, that might work well in the bridge, something like (and this isn't it):

I have been to the garden
Only to leave before spring
But this time I’ll be here pulling petals
Oh I'll be here waiting (or, "I'll be waitin' to see" or "I'll be waitin' for you...")
I want to see everything
I want to see everything

My only other thought is that, IMHO, the bridge melody has more energy and passion than the chorus melody. I wonder (with a bit of tweaking) if it might not make the song stronger to switch them around, or at least make the chorus melody jump up like you do in the bridge, and do something slightly lower in the bridge (bearing in mind that I'm also suggesting making it a six line chorus instead of an eight line chorus by dropping the third and fourth lines).

I also agree w/Diane that this is really nice work overall, and has great potential. I'll be curious to hear how it turns out.

[remoteoutofcontrol]

Diane and Michael, thank you so much for the great feedback! (Im Ken BTW)

I haven't gone back to this song in a while so I'll have a listen again and see what I can do to make the chorus stand out more

I'll leave the lyric feedback for lyric-man!

Thanks again,

Ken

[johnlewitt]

Andy / Ken,

This is close to being really good. In trying to put my finger on it, I think it's the phrasing in the chorus that's holding it back. If it were me, I would make it simpler - make it something easier for someone to sing along with. So basically I wouldn't sing each vowel so well as I think it's taking a little wind out of the momentum of the chorus.

Does that make sense?

John

[nylyrics]

John and Diane, thanks for the chorus lift input - we will work on thiat I am sure.

Micheal. Appreciate your detailed input and time. I will study your suggestions and see what works. I have had a couple others struggle with the "dandelions" image. "Wait aren't those supposed to be daisies"...... I think you get the petals image though right?

What the heck does adele's term "chasing pavements" mean? To me that is confusing and it became a huge song.

I am sensative to input and sometime i go with gut. Still at this point in the game i am leaning toward - the image is clear
and this guy happens to pull dandelions out of the ground and pull those petals vs a daisy.

I wonder how long i will stand my ground............testing testin 123

Thanks again.

Andy

[mikemichnya]

Hey Andy (& Ken),

You're welcome. I got the petals images, but the connection to dandelions threw me... And if other's are asking about daisies, it sounds like a speed bump to me. Pick a couple of dandelions and see if pulling petals makes sense.

Yeah, I don't know what Adele's "chasing pavements" means either (although Wikipedia has an explanation, FWIW ). There are plenty of hit songs that having confusing or inane lyrics, but if you're Joni Mitchell, Lennon & McCartney, etc., you can write whatever you want and your fans will buy it. The only rules is if it works, it works.

In any case, I wish you the best of luck w/it!

[ottlukk]

I agree the chorus needs more of a lift. I do like the" love me or love me not" line, but I'm still wondering about dandelions. Unfortunately, a lot of people think of them as weeds, and you might lose the listener's attention. The song is definitely worth polishing. Ott

[feaker66]

Hi The song is very clear and bright. Acoustic is well played and sits well with the vocal.

Yeah, the chorus needs a little kick.

Nice

Sincerely

Paul

[sansharbour]

Your song has potential and has all the right parts

NO matter what the listener needs to sense change.

The pre chorus should begin the rise.
You need to lift the chorus

It is simple as that
Get creative with this and I think you will have quite a neat tune.
Maybe a stomp of the foot or a hi hat accent or a hand claps in the chorus

Nice guitar work

Good Luck with this