Dead Woman Walking

[arthurjames]

Hi Chits! You may not know me but I know you Been lurking around for a bit and was active for a few months. Recently got some music up and decided it was time to connect again.Ya gotta give to get, as they say, so I figured I'd find a song I liked and post some suggestions. I like the tune and your honest performance very much. Nice soulful voice. Live takes ain't easy and you got the melody (which I also liked) across pretty well, I thought. I didn't feel your performance told the story as well, then reviewing the lyrics it seemed the meat of the story wasn't there. Very little if any imagery that I could see. I also got very little sense of movement, like this is where she is, this is what she decides and this is where she's going. I still felt something in your performance but I wanted it to be fleshed out. If a song doesn't move me I don't really comment, so don't take this the wrong way. The Gillian song you linked to was chock full of imagery and movement, so I know your tuned into how those things can make a song great.I think this song has great potential and would love to see a rewrite of the lyrics. Putting imagery in a song on this subject would take some guts for sure, but then it might have that much more impact.Hope this is helpful and check out my "Is Nice What We Need" thread if you'd like to talk about how we can help each other become better at this songcraft stuff.Yours in MusicArthur James

[jchitty]

Jul 8, 2009, 11:49pm, arthurjames wrote:Hi Chits! You may not know me but I know you Been lurking around for a bit and was active for a few months. Recently got some music up and decided it was time to connect again.Ya gotta give to get, as they say, so I figured I'd find a song I liked and post some suggestions. I like the tune and your honest performance very much. Nice soulful voice. Live takes ain't easy and you got the melody (which I also liked) across pretty well, I thought. I didn't feel your performance told the story as well, then reviewing the lyrics it seemed the meat of the story wasn't there. Very little if any imagery that I could see. I also got very little sense of movement, like this is where she is, this is what she decides and this is where she's going. I still felt something in your performance but I wanted it to be fleshed out. If a song doesn't move me I don't really comment, so don't take this the wrong way. The Gillian song you linked to was chock full of imagery and movement, so I know your tuned into how those things can make a song great.I think this song has great potential and would love to see a rewrite of the lyrics. Putting imagery in a song on this subject would take some guts for sure, but then it might have that much more impact.Hope this is helpful and check out my "Is Nice What We Need" thread if you'd like to talk about how we can help each other become better at this songcraft stuff.Yours in MusicArthur JamesArthur, thanks for your really good input....I can tell you put a lot of time into this review, and I greatly appreciate it. As far as a rewrite of the lyrics go, it's something to ponder down the line. Sometimes, a song will get fixed in your head, and it's hard to come up with something different. It's not that I'm adverse to what you said, just hard pressed to come up with something right now. But sometimes you can sit on a song, and you can come up with better lyrics in the future.For now, "Dead Man Walking" is just something fun for You Tube.But if I revisit DWW in the future, I'll definitely think about making the imagery more vivid and flesh it out a bit more.Thanks once again! BTW, I just read thread "Is Nice What We Need?" And I really agree....first off, I don't want to be dismissive of anyone who gave me a favorable critique....I felt they were being honest when they said they loved the song. On the flip side of that, if someone doesn't care for the song that much, I really appreciate honest input because it helps me. I wondered if my performance carried the song....as you say, maybe it wasn't the performance so much as the lyrics themselves.Here's what jazzes me though....I feel like you wouldn't have fooled with my song if you thought it had no potential. The fact that you even gave me a review lets me know you see something there.But getting to that NEXT LEVEL is the hardest thing....that's what we song writers struggle with....we are good enough, but are we GREAT enough?

[arthurjames]

Hi Chits Yeah, your dead on about a few things. Firstly, I felt something in the song and your performance that moved me to look closer, then I saw the things I mentioned. I don't really give energy to anything that doesn't move me emotionally, so your song has that "special something" that I look for and too rarely find.Secondly, I hope my post didn't come off dismissive or arrogant but looking back I an see how it could be taken that way. It's also not completely out of the realm of possibility that I was having somewhat of a self-righteous moment , but hopefully folks here can see past it to my good intentions Thirdly, this trying to write GREAT songs stuff is a real process and I need all the help I can get. Thanks so much for receiving what I said so graciously, and I hear you about them working themselves out when we leave them be for a bit.Great to meet youArthur James

[derekmcfarland]

Chitts - Don't sell yourself short as a singer! It was a compelling performance that reminded me of Wynonna.Song aside, for now. I'd suggest have your video start right into the song and leave the intro/explanation for the info boxes.I really like the song melody and structure (and your performance). When I go back and just look at the lyrics, I don't know if this subject matter is good or bad for marketability. I'm sure many women can relate and it's got a Martina "Broken Wing" feel to it, but decidedly darker. Not being a woman, I'm not one to say but it is a concern. You did a great job of picking words that denote the violence (beat, knife, cell, hell, dead...) but did it go too far?I didn't get a chance yet to read the comments above, but a scan of the posters tells me that you've probably received great advice already!Keep the videos coming.Get a taller stool Derek

[jchitty]

Jul 10, 2009, 5:05am, derekmcfarland wrote:Chitts - Don't sell yourself short as a singer! It was a compelling performance that reminded me of Wynonna.Song aside, for now. I'd suggest have your video start right into the song and leave the intro/explanation for the info boxes.I really like the song melody and structure (and your performance). When I go back and just look at the lyrics, I don't know if this subject matter is good or bad for marketability. I'm sure many women can relate and it's got a Martina "Broken Wing" feel to it, but decidedly darker. Not being a woman, I'm not one to say but it is a concern. You did a great job of picking words that denote the violence (beat, knife, cell, hell, dead...) but did it go too far?I didn't get a chance yet to read the comments above, but a scan of the posters tall me that you've probably received great advice already!Keep the videos coming.Get a taller stool Derek I love Wynonna!!! Thanks, Derek....she is probably one of my fave singers of all time.....I wish I could curl my lip like she does, but I'd probably look silly. And thanks for the great review also. Yeah, this song does have dark lyrics....I don't think they would work for Nashville unless Martina is singing it. This was done mainly for a You Tube project...I probably wouldn't pitch this to a country listing. Next time, I'm gonna do a better job with seating and my camera angles. BTW, I went to your You Tube site (hope you don't mind me mentioning it here) and I left a comment, and I subscribed to your channel....your song was just SO great. Thanks for leaving a comment on my site. You should post your You Tube link too.

[michael11]

Jul 10, 2009, 5:41am, jchitty wrote:Jul 10, 2009, 5:05am, derekmcfarland wrote:Chitts - Don't sell yourself short as a singer! It was a compelling performance that reminded me of Wynonna.Song aside, for now. I'd suggest have your video start right into the song and leave the intro/explanation for the info boxes.I really like the song melody and structure (and your performance). When I go back and just look at the lyrics, I don't know if this subject matter is good or bad for marketability. I'm sure many women can relate and it's got a Martina "Broken Wing" feel to it, but decidedly darker. Not being a woman, I'm not one to say but it is a concern. You did a great job of picking words that denote the violence (beat, knife, cell, hell, dead...) but did it go too far?I didn't get a chance yet to read the comments above, but a scan of the posters tall me that you've probably received great advice already!Keep the videos coming.Get a taller stool Derek I love Wynonna!!! Thanks, Derek....she is probably one of my fave singers of all time.....I wish I could curl my lip like she does, but I'd probably look silly. And thanks for the great review also. Yeah, this song does have dark lyrics....I don't think they would work for Nashville unless Martina is singing it. This was done mainly for a You Tube project...I probably wouldn't pitch this to a country listing. Next time, I'm gonna do a better job with seating and my camera angles. BTW, I went to your You Tube site (hope you don't mind me mentioning it here) and I left a comment, and I subscribed to your channel....your song was just SO great. Thanks for leaving a comment on my site. You should post your You Tube link too. Quote:Next time, I'm gonna do a better job with seating and my camera angles. Don't you go too diva'ish on us now Chits,just because you are receiving worldwide recognition. Where's that hair and make up department when you need them!!!!!!It was never like this at Universal.

[wings]

Some really neat stuff here - I'd suggest putting your "reason for doing this" - in the description up at youtube. That way someone browsing will know your purpose instead of just the forum readers here. You might be able to attract more people - which is your point, right? When I brows YouTube, I always read the descriptions. (Dunno- maybe that's just me! )~wings~

[wings]

Oh! - and add more TAGS! That's huge!~wings~

[ideascapes]

Chits,Sorry late coming in on this--work and life intervened.I'm hearing the same Bonnie/Wynonna vibe, which are very high comparisons in my book. I also vote for "Dead" and agree with Derek's recommendation to go right to the music--maybe you could have the explanation be a separate video, because it does give viewers a piece of your personality.Wings had a good idea too, about putting the reason in the subject line. I'd go even further to say this is a blues song (subject, harmony, feel) and I'd put right up front that you're looking for a female blues singer to give a Bonnie/Wynonna take to this.Thanks for sharing!Vince