Did Stayin' 4 Breakfast Ever Dawn on U?

[momof4]

okay, so finally, i have something more than just lyrics and opinions. some of you may remember this from the Lyric Lovers section, but i finally made a rough demo of it, and thought i'd post it to see what y'all thought. and be as gentle as you can, because, me, the "mom of 4", is prego with #5, so i'm reeeeeaaaalllly emotional and also really nauseous. not that the last part matters, but i thought i'd throw it in there and try to get some extra sympathy. THIS IS NOT ME SINGING - IT'S MY NIECE.http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default ... =880666Did Stayin’ For Breakfast Ever Dawn on You?2008 Erin VenableWell, hello, there, darlin’Wipe the sleep from your eyesI know the guys, they put it to youIn the fight last nightI appreciate the factThat you defended my honorBut now, honey, let’s be honest, Before we take this thing fartherDid stayin’ for breakfast ever dawn on you?How ‘bout kissin’ me good morningInstead of goodbyeFeel free to grab a chairgrab a plate, grab me, tooDid stayin’ for breakfast ever dawn on you?We meet at the barHave our fill of the beerScoot our boots across the dance floorAnd then wind up hereIt’s a shady arrangementThat leaves me wantin’ moreWhat good’s a night full of passionif you’re racin’ out the doorDid stayin’ for breakfast ever dawn on you?How ‘bout kissin’ me good morningInstead of goodbyeFeel free to grab a chairgrab a plate, grab me, tooDid stayin’ for breakfast ever dawn on you? Are we just foolin’ ourselves We’re not domesticated - We’re wild as hell!so my dad thinks i should make it more clear that this situation isn't ideal, what in keeping with my values and all, and he's probably right. so i was thinking about changing the bridge to say "you're just foolin' yourself; you're not domesticated, you're wild as hell" and then part 2 of the bridge (same melody) would say "so it's adios, 'cause here's the deal, i want a man who wants the cow, not just the milk"does that make sense at all? has anyone else ever heard the phrase (when justifying why a girl shouldn't let a guy move in with her without marrying her): why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? weigh in, here, people...weigh in!thanksssssssssssserin

[jchitty]

Hey, Erin...I really like this song! I like the lyrics, the melody is good, etc. I don't fully get the story though... I don't understand why the guy would get into a fight and 'defend her honor' but then not stay for breakfast with her....it just seems contradictory. I love the title though...very clever.The bridge could be clarified lyrically as you say.....also, the bridge might need a little more melodic contrast too....but the melody is great in every other place...nice contrast between the verses and the chorus.Overall, you did a really good job....just a few tweaks and you're there.

[momof4]

thanks, chits! hmm...i'll think about making my first verse make better sense. i've rewritten and rewritten that one, but it looks like i might need to keep at it! yeah, the one thing that kind of bugs me about this song is that melodically, it's all very simliar. in this recording, there aren't any solos or anything, which would give some additional contrast to the song's different sections, but i'm still wondering if i need some kind of major melodic shift to change things up a bit. anyhoo, thanks for your critique! very helpful!erin

[zoom]

Hey Erin!Great to hear a song from ya! I really liked the piece overall, it's got a great groove to it with some really catchy lyrics. But I did hear a couple of little things (and these are pretty small) that I'll at least call attention to, and then you can tell me to go to hell after that. First verse -- honor and farther seem to be stretching the meter a bit... it would be a cleaner line to have those both be one syllable, but I know that the story should lead the lyric and not the other way around.Chorus -- man, the way that the melody comes around, I really wanted the line "instead of goodbye" to rhyme with "you".... felt a little awkward that it didn't. I think it would be a bigger hook if it did... 2nd verse -- "fill of the beer"... doesn't work for me. I know it's a little thing and I know you're flowing with the lines around it, but it still is a bit of a stretch. Maybe the line should be "Have a couple of beers"... or insert numbers... "Have three or four beers" could work too... or something higher than that! 5.... 6..... 8.... 12... LOLI too would like to know why the guy is always leaving... maybe I little hint in the second half of the first verse would be a help. Even something that just says he runs away at the crack of dawn would be a help and ease you into the first chorus a little better... which you actually did in the 2nd verse really well. Good stuff, and good singing by your niece!

[cameron]

Hey Erin,Well first of all, this is a gem of a song.My only problem with the song is that the melodies of the verse and chorus are so similar. I know, I know... I've got about 1/2 dozen songs the same way and I hate it when someone says that. To me, the song works anyway, but I think that's what the screeners will say.Lyrically, only a few things need changing. I LOVE the first two lines, I think the next two you could say something like "well, you put on quite a show in the bar last night" and then just leave the next lines as they are, which alludes to a fight without actually saying it.A couple of the rhymes maybe are stretching things a bit, as Zoom already mentioned.I like the changes you've suggested for your bridge. Nashville IS in the heart of the bible belt, after all.I love this kind of song. It's fun, it's country, and it's not an overly sentimental, saccharin-sweet ballad with a corny twist at the end. Nice job!Cam

[sgs4u]

Pretty wicked song! I love the lyric's, not the melody as much (mostly the fast bluegrass tempo). Because - the lyric could really use a Carrie Underwood - Last Name, rock & roll vibe. Mostly because that's what Nashville seems to be buying lately. I thought I could hear it like that as soon as I looked at the lyric. The singer on the demo sure sounds great tho. She's a keeper!Great work pal, I'm stoked about hearing more from you!Oct 6, 2008, 6:16pm, momof4 wrote:yeah, the one thing that kind of bugs me about this song is that melodically, it's all very simliar. in this recording, there aren't any solos or anything, which would give some additional contrast to the song's different sections, but i'm still wondering if i need some kind of major melodic shift to change things up a bit. You're right to wonder. PM me if you want some ideas

[linziellen]

Erin It's wonderful to hear something from you, and to put a face to your name. Congratulations on you pregnancy, and wishing you a good/healthy few months.I'm more than impressed with this song, it's nothing how I expected it to be. I remember looking long and hard at the lyrics. It's upbeat and catchy and I love the melody. I'm pushed for time this morning but I wanted to just let you know that when I listened to this ten minutes ago I was singing the hook within five!Your niece has a very good voice (imo).Well done momof...5

[feaker]

erinI agree with all of the above. Lot's of fun to listen to it.Also congrats on the new munchkin on the way.Keep an update/ progression for us.Paul

[billg]

Hey Erin, this is a great lyric idea & I like the song a lot. One big problem for me is the awkward rhyming scheme in the chorus. I like what you're saying but I think the impact is lost without the rhymes being more what one would expect. If you're not gonna rhyme it, I'd just leave out the first "Did staying . . . etc." and rely on the last one for the payoff.

[liamkelly]

Hey ErinCool song! Enjoyed the listen Might sound like a broken record but it really does feel like line 2 of the chorus should follow the 'you' rhyme.And congrats on number 5! Take it easy and put your feet up every now and then Liam