Distant Shores

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Fri Oct 10, 2008 9:53 am

Hi everyone,Here's one I wrote a few weeks ago. I was inspired by a dream. I wasn't going to bother posting a lyric but it might kick me back into shape. I'm slacking something chronic. Thinking of a "Katie Melua" type melody, mellow but a little tortured towards the chorus. Nothing too dramatic, and obviously a little blues/jazzy (because of my voice). Distant Shores(c) Lindsey Ellen JolivetI'm not getting any betterThough I'll tell you that I'm fineLast night I dreamt about usBefore you ripped me from my spineMy body was a castleWhen you were here with meBut now my soul has gone to ruin And my flag has blown to seaSo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbye Could you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresPeople tell me I'll recoverTime will heal the broken hopeBut I can't stop searching for youI can't put down the telescopeEverything you told meThe promised sound of little feetBut the silence here is hauntingAnd disturbs me from my sleepSo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbye Could you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresSomething tells me it's too lateBut should you ever pass this wayYou know where you can find meLonely, old and greySo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbyeCould you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shores Just had a thought for the chorus, how's about;Before you say goodbyeCould you possibly just pauseBlow a kiss at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresThanks for any feedback, sorry I haven't been around lately, looking forward to being stuck at home over the winter months

matthoggard · Post by **matthoggard** » Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:39 am

Hey Linzi,This is a very beautiful lyric. Im no officiando on the artist you mentioned but I like the way this reads. For me i would say sarah Mclaughlin but thats what iim familiar with.I like the change up from "wave at what your leaving" to "blow a kiss". I would just use it as an alternate line in the lst chorus. Just for dramatic effect.Very nice.M~

Casey H · Post by **Casey H** » Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:56 am

Oct 10, 2008, 12:53pm, linziellen wrote:Hi everyone,Here's one I wrote a few weeks ago. I was inspired by a dream. I wasn't going to bother posting a lyric but it might kick me back into shape. I'm slacking something chronic. Thinking of a "Katie Melua" type melody, mellow but a little tortured towards the chorus. Nothing too dramatic, and obviously a little blues/jazzy (because of my voice). Distant Shores(c) Lindsey Ellen JolivetI'm not getting any betterThough I'll tell you that I'm fineLast night I dreamt about usBefore you ripped me from my spineMy body was a castleWhen you were here with meBut now my soul has gone to ruin And my flag has blown to seaSo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbye Could you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresPeople tell me I'll recoverTime will heal the broken hopeBut I can't stop searching for youI can't put down the telescopeEverything you told meThe promised sound of little feetBut the silence here is hauntingAnd disturbs me from my sleepSo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbye Could you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresSomething tells me it's too lateBut should you ever pass this wayYou know where you can find meLonely, old and greySo before you sail that boat Would you turn around once moreLook back on what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresBefore you say goodbyeCould you possibly just pauseMaybe wave at what you're leavingBehind for distant shores Just had a thought for the chorus, how's about;Before you say goodbyeCould you possibly just pauseBlow a kiss at what you're leavingBehind for distant shoresThanks for any feedback, sorry I haven't been around lately, looking forward to being stuck at home over the winter months Hi LinzNice to see you posting again. Nice lyrics. It's hard to know without hearing the music and getting a feel for the genre. How lyrics work is, of course, very genre dependent. A few things hit me that might be worth looking at...My body was a castleWhen you were here with meBut now my soul has gone to ruin And my flag has blown to seaYou started an analogy to your body being a castle but didn't finish it. Your body was a castle and now what is it? You weren't talking about your soul in the first 2 lines.I'm not sure about this line:Before you ripped me from my spineMaybe something else with 'spine'? (more along the lines of more common expressions?)Check on the singability of: "Could you possibly just pause". It reads as a mouthful but some things that don't read as singable turn out OK.Warmest, Casey

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:08 am

Hi there, Thank you Matt and Casey. I have been listening to a lot of Sarah and similar artists these last few weeks I see what you mean Casey. I'm referring to her spine holding her up as strong as a castle, she obviously still has her body but not her soul, her spine, her life line?!? Hmm, yes needs some work lol. Any ideas for those first two lines then I did wonder about 'ripped' but in the end I quite liked it, sounds harsh but not with music.Cool guys, thanks for reading, I'll keep it on the hob! (Good to be back by the way )

momof4 · Post by **momof4** » Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:01 am

Hey! This is a very pretty lyric...I was picturing some castle in Ireland, on a rainy day. Anyhoo, I agree with the "spine" line, but my main issue with it is that "spine" is such an ugly word, and it's rather jarring in this beautiful lyric. Also, your "blow me a kiss" idea is good, but that phrase to me kind of sounds like it doesn't fit, like it's a flirty "blow me a kiss", which it obviously wouldn't be. Maybe you could say something like, "at least let a tear fall" or something to that effect? Don't know if that helps at all...Definitely a wistful, sad, romantic song, and I hope you keep working with it, because I'd love to hear it! Hope you're doing well!erin

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:56 am

Thank you Erin, I will look at those lines. OK...might just rework that first verse a little Good to hear from you, hope you're doing well more like Thank you, there are a few more like this!Linzi

jchitty · Post by **jchitty** » Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:07 am

Well, you know how I feel about this lyric, Lindz...we had a PM convo about it...it's just wonderful...I find myself hard pressed to find anything wrong with it.

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:49 am

Thank you Chits, always appreciate your input

linziellen · Post by **linziellen** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 1:52 am

How's about simply...I’m not getting any betterBut I’ll tell you that I’m fineLast night I dreamt about usAs if you’d never left my side Because my body was a castle When I had you here with meBut now my soul has gone to ruin And my flag has blown to seaI can see I haven't rounded up the dream thing, it doesn't tie perfectly with the rest of the lyric, it's as if she hasn't woken up! But I'm not sure I can do any better than this, the lyric kind of wrote itself

Casey H · Post by **Casey H** » Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:57 am

Oct 20, 2008, 4:52am, linziellen wrote:How's about simply...I’m not getting any betterBut I’ll tell you that I’m fineLast night I dreamt about usAs if you’d never left my side Because my body was a castle When I had you here with meBut now my soul has gone to ruin And my flag has blown to seaI can see I haven't rounded up the dream thing, it doesn't tie perfectly with the rest of the lyric, it's as if she hasn't woken up! But I'm not sure I can do any better than this, the lyric kind of wrote itself Hi LinzI still think on the last 2 lines (especially next to last) could tie in better with the castle analogy, though I realize castle's have flags on top. But what if "But now my soul has gone to ruin" could tie in more? Maybe Google on "castle", castle parts, and other key words and see what comes up... Maybe something about "towers"?Of course, I could be off here... Casey

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