Do YOU know the Maury Povich show??

[singer1]

Just for review; Maury Povich was a talk show host whose shows always had two 'people', screaming how the other was to blame for they're sorry existence. Or which man is the father of a woman's' baby. Usually required at least a couple of security guards to keep couples apart. The shows' head of security was seen so often, he even got his own show. Steve something or other. He is often mistaken for Cal Ripken, famous baseball player.
Oh, did anyone see me get fried on yesterdays' Taxi T.V.? I was the fool who did not pay attention to my second verses' wording of ' I am tied to you, a prisoner in chains". OOPS. Not the best way to be known to Michael. He did give a tiny prop, by saying he agreed with viewer that I had a voice, which reminded people of SEAL. COOL>
Back to Casey's question;
The song is "Don't Go Away".
" The vocal performance is very expressive, and the melody line is totally engaging. Lyrically, there are some lines that seem kind of abstract. For instance, the line about not wanting to be on Maurys' show. I'm not sure what that has to do withe lines proceeding and following it. In developing your narratives, try and move from one line to the next in a more cohesive fashion. Be careful about being overly vague. We aren't able to get up inside your head and read between the lines, so you have to spell things out in a way we're able to follow and comprehend."
"Main reason you were not forwarded : The lyrical themes and imagery don't seem compelling enough for such a high bar listing. It seems you have yet to establish a focused and distinctive stylistic personality as a songwriter and performer."
REALLY??!!!
My lyrics might be compelling to someone with intelligence!!! We can't scoop down and start teaching screeners about pop culture. I thought these kids were hip?? It might help if they had started shaving more than 2 years ago. D.B.
... the only race we're in, is the human race... D.B.
www.taxi.com/davebradley

[sedge]

I agree with the screener on the lyrics. Does that put me in the non intelligent non hip camp too : O

'I've yet to even step on that plane' - what plane, to where, whatsappenin ?
Why do you not want him/her to go etc

there really is an 11 to turn this up to!! just needs a few more passes on the lyric like the screeners says

I thought that was fantastic feedback on the return and no need to take it defensively.

- its a push up he/she is giving you - not a push down ... reads that way to me anyways

[rld]

Dave, I think you are confusing Jerry Springer and Maury in relation to the security guard story.
Also, the screener didn't say he doesn't know of the Maury Povich show, just that your lyrics leading up to that line don't work.

[eeoo]

Never watched the Maury Povich show but from your description I don't suspect that many intelligent people do. I'm not sure that familiarity with the Maury Povich show has anything to do with one's grasp of pop culture either. I thought the screener was pretty gentle with you, even encouraging, not quite understanding the heated reaction...

eo

[cardell]

...not quite understanding the heated reaction...

I do...
It's clear to me that Dave was feeling too angry to read his critique carefully...

However...Dave did write an attention grabbing title to this thread...

Stuart

[davewalton]

- its a push up he/she is giving you - not a push down ... reads that way to me anyways

Disengaging emotionally from our music is difficult but there's always a way to make it better. Kara DioGuardi, Diane Warren, Jeff Steele, Jason Blume and other top songwriters all say the same thing... they make lots of changes to their music, adding co-writers and even completely re-writing songs. No biggie.

[Len911]

Dave, I actually thought this critique was, if not the best, certainly one of the best I have seen.It not only critiques the song, it tells you exactly why the song wasn't forwarded, and it also gives you direction in what you need to work on as a singer/songwriter. I have listened in the past to other songs you have posted, and I concur, you are an excellent singer, the music is good, but I think the weakest part of your songs are the lyrics. Your lyrics are way under the quality of your voice and music. Don't go away is emotional, and should be a part of the chorus as it is, but I think the hook should be either in the next to last line or last line of the chorus, and I don't hear anything that is remotely a hook there. It seems you start with a theme such as "leaving", and grapple with a few thoughts and lines that might deliver a punch, but they don't punch because much of the lyrics lack unity. The song starts out fine, It started in late February, at the time, we were in such a hurry. What started out in February, and why were you both in a hurry?( I'm thinking), so I am waiting for the next lines to answer my questions, or lead me closer to the answers. Striving for all I could to play this game as I knew we would. So you started playing a game in February, what game?, still, why in a hurry?(I'm thinking). And then, though it's the same old story, I don't want to be on Maury's show! You've totally lost me. A game in February, in a hurry, I don't have a clue what the old story is, and I'm wondering if Maury might have hosted a gameshow or something?? Then the chorus. Don't go away. Ok, someone's leaving, obviously she is, but then it says, I've yet to even step on that plane. No he is. Heck I don't know, but a couple lines later, I see you have written what I am enduring in these lyrics, "rolling in a constant whirlwind, still reeling from the spin that's me". "My freedom is undercover, lock and key". Yes, and I would say you did a fine job with keeping the clarity and meaning of your lyrics undercover also.

You've got the voice and the music, I just think you need to focus a little more on the lyrics or finding a lyricist.

[Casey H]

Back to Casey's question;
The song is "Don't Go Away".
" The vocal performance is very expressive, and the melody line is totally engaging. Lyrically, there are some lines that seem kind of abstract. For instance, the line about not wanting to be on Maurys' show. I'm not sure what that has to do withe lines proceeding and following it. In developing your narratives, try and move from one line to the next in a more cohesive fashion. Be careful about being overly vague. We aren't able to get up inside your head and read between the lines, so you have to spell things out in a way we're able to follow and comprehend."
"Main reason you were not forwarded : The lyrical themes and imagery don't seem compelling enough for such a high bar listing. It seems you have yet to establish a focused and distinctive stylistic personality as a songwriter and performer."

Dave
I have to agree with all the posts above that followed your post of the review. It's a lot clearer now. Your original post implied that your return was all about the reference to Maury when, although that really isn't working in the context of your whole song, it's much more than that. And the screener reiterated that this was a very high bar listing.

Dave W's comment summed it up. You have to step back from being too emotionally close to your song. We've all ‘been there’ where you are—angry about a return, convinced the lyrics we have are best as is, etc. Taking this experience to the positive side, there are many positive aspects to this song—take advantage of that! Re-write or co-write! Maybe this return is just what you need to end up with a hit song.

Good luck!
Casey

[singer1]

OH lord; yes I guess I am thinking with my child-brain. I would be open to a lyricist helping out on this. The premise is about a guy that travels a lot, musician type. He's on his way out of town, and the woman he's been seeing has creating a scene at the airport. She's crying to him "Don't Go Away"! The " in such a hurry" refers to the beginning of a relationship; diving in headlong with passion and no real thinking about the consequences. Dean, are you out there?? D.B.
... the only race we're in, is the human race.. D.B.
www.taxi.com/davebradley

[sedge]

ahhh man thats awesome!! Thats the stuff you should be putting in the lyrics!!! That is great story, we can all get a dig on that!

Just write it down, forget rhyme, verse/chorus, making a song etc, just write it all down freely like you just did , then the song lyrics will fall out nicely once you can see it.