Everything Is Beautiful - lyric rewrite

[RonKujawa]

5/11/12 EDIT: REWRITE A FEW POSTS BELOW
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This is a song I wrote quickly within the last year for a listing. I got one forward and another return for vocal performance. Since I'm going to retrack vocals, I decided to make an effort at making the lyrics stronger too. I'm going for a happy emotion. The theme is seeing the beauty of the world.

Everything Is So Beautiful

V1
Under red skies
I stare out at the setting sun
Listening to the waves
Hear them crashing one by one

I taste the salty air
Dig my toes into the beach
Wait for night to fall and
Count the stars and try to reach

PRE
Let go and start to see
All that's waiting for me

CHO
And everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is

V2
Morning sunlight
Slowly creeps into the sky
The world becomes a painting
While I watch in realtime

The fog has lifted
Everything so crystal clear
The beauty all around me
Things I never knew were here

PRE
Let go and start to see
All that's waiting for me

CHO
And everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is

[mikeShort]

This is very nice. Congrats on a forward ... I'm still waiting for my first!

I have a couple of comments, which I've included below.

Everything Is So Beautiful

V1
Under red skies
I stare out at the setting sun
Listening to the waves // surprised to find out the singer is seaside. I don't know if the red skies line adds anything, so maybe bring the sea/lake/ocean in there?
Hear them crashing one by one

I taste the salty air // Ah. Ocean.
Dig my toes into the beach // We would normally expect "sand" here, so this line sounds like a "it's here to rhyme" line a little bit. Not too egregious, just a little.
Wait for night to fall and
Count the stars and try to reach

PRE
Let go and start to see
All that's waiting for me // It's the end of the day, so is there much waiting for you?

CHO
And everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is // nice!

V2
Morning sunlight
Slowly creeps into the sky
The world becomes a painting
While I watch in realtime // Editorial: real-time

The fog has lifted
Everything so crystal clear
The beauty all around me // I know you only have two lines, but I'd like to be shown here, not told. Again, not bad, but could it be better?
Things I never knew were here

PRE
Let go and start to see
All that's waiting for me // This makes sense here. See below.

CHO
And everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is

As I was commenting, I had the idea that perhaps you should flip-flop the verses, to make them chronological as far as a single day goes. Then the pre-chorus for the evening verse could say something about how the singer went out and grabbed everything that was waiting and has a feeling of satisfaction about it.

So that's my two-cents worth. I have a similar themed song: Ain't It a Beautiful Thing. Check it out. (Links to a thread in this forum).

[RonKujawa]

Thanks for the input, Mike. I checked out your song, which I like a lot. I made a comment on that thread.

You have a very interesting idea in flipping verses. I'm going to play around with that and your other comments. They all make a lot of sense.

The "red skies" comment was meant to imply it was happening at dusk, but maybe there's a better way to put that together.

Thanks again for your help. Much appreciated.

Ron

[mikeShort]

Re: red skies

Setting sun covers that, so I think it doesn't add anything. I don't think you need to be in such a hurry to establish the time that you can't wait until line two, especially if you use line one to set up PLACE, which is also important. Just thinking out loud.

[RonKujawa]

REWRITE 5/11/12

I made quite a few changes. I'm hoping you guys can let me know if I have made it better and if anything is sticking out.

V1
Morning sunlight
Slowly creeps into the sky
The world becomes a painting
While I watch in realtime

The fog is lifting
Making every color glow
Life becomes a movie
I sit back, enjoy the show

PRE
I look up to the sky
Close my eyes and I smile, that

CHO
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is

V2
I see the faces
Lovers walk along the beach
Children laughing loud
Water stretching out of reach

I taste the salty air
Dig my toes into the sand
I hear the crashing waves
And wonder how this all began

PRE
I look up to the sky
Close my eyes and I smile, that

CHO
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is so wonderful
Everything is so beautiful
Everything is

[mikeShort]

I like this much better. Good work!

[simonsays]

Wow, Ron. I agree with Mike ... great job! I think the rewrite is much much better. I'm on that beach when i read it. All my senses are engaged. I swear, i can almost hear those children squealling in delight as they play tag with the surf! I also like how you managed to keep your beach and reach rhyme. Very smoothly done there!

The only beach image you missed for me (and I know I'm nit-picking here. ) is the ever present seagulls. Again, very nicely done.

Steve (aka, SimonSays)

[RonKujawa]

Thank you so much, guys! I'm going to re-track this week and I'll post when the new version is done. I appreciate all your help on this one.

Ron

[AnthonyCeseri]

You've done a nice job with your lyrics here. You got very descriptive with your imagery in the verses. Cool stuff.